Page 47 of Back to December
I have to figure out how to replace them with the old gumdrops—the ones that look exactly like what they are.
He pulls me close, his arm wrapped around my backinstead of casually on my back. We lace our fingers together, like perhaps it might keep what’s coming at bay if we’re connected. I don’t know how long we stand here and sway, gentle and quiet, like a heartbeat.
It steadies me for what I have to do.
I tuck my head under his chin, wishing he could hear my heart and the promise it’s making.This isn’t goodbye. I’ll be back when I figure out how to fix what she’s ruined.For the first time all night, I let myself lean in. Not enough to lose balance, but enough to feel what it’s like to be home.
“You’re quiet,” he says.
“I’m memorizing. This moment belongs in the vault,” I answer.
It’s something we say before we prepare to be apart for a year, but that’s not my intention. I’ll be back before Christmas. Luke will propose to Ella within the month, and it’s not just because he pulled me and Bridget aside and asked for our blessings.
I can feel it in my bones.
He exhales slowly, his breath stirring the hair near my temple. “Then memorize this, too.”
His hand slips to my chin, tipping it up so our lips meet.
He knows. I can feel the quiet mourning in the way he takes his time, reverently moving his lips against mine like it’s the last time.
It won’t be. I want to scream it because Ihatethe way goodbye feels almost as much as silence. But I need to figure out who I am without performing. Without someone pulling the strings behind the scenes. This version of me can’t be who Holden needs.
Maybe before tonight, I stood a solid chance, but not now.
She took more than I could have ever imagined. I think she’d been doing it so long that I’m only just now noticing how fragile everything is that she left behind.
When the song fades into another, I pull away.
“Holden—”
His eyes search mine, his words barely audible when he says,“Stay with me, honey.”
It’s not desperation; it’s yearning. It’s sure and steady in a world that won’t stop tilting and I wish I could just cling to him instead of dealing with what comes next.
“I want to,” I whisper, and it’s the first time I’ve genuinely meant what I’ve said all night.
I do want to. I also want to rewind and seek all the clues that led to tonight, so I could prevent it.
I’m tired of getting lost in the woods.
“Then stay.” His thumb traces slow circles on my wrist. “We’ll rebuild together.”
But that’s just it, our foundation was never strong to begin with. We started as teenagers, and that made it shaky at best. People make it work all the time, but that’s because they worked through the hard parts.
I kept him a thousand miles away and gave him one weekend a year.
I want to do this right, and that means time and space. If she taught me anything, it’s how to build a cage. But maybe I can learn how to build a home instead.
It means letting the dust settle and collecting what’s left of the rubble from my life first, then seeing what pieces of our life still fit together. Once I make sure she won’t touch Holden.
Or can’t.
We need a new foundation because I don’t know how to fix what’s there.
But I think I also need to fix myself, because Holden deserves more than his broken woman, who’s spent her whole life emotionally anticipating outcomes before they even happen. I’ve lived my whole life in a cage, and while I think I knew—to a degree—I didn’t realize how small it really was.
He’s looking for something I told myself I couldn’t give him.
