Page 95 of Back to December
How could I just snap back to real life knowing this could exist?
But that’s just it.Thisis magical. It’s not real.
This could all shift and disappear, and I could go home to find that Holden’s patience has finally run out. He’s shown me time and again that he wants this,us, but how long can someone keep loving from outside the walls I built?
Maybe one day he’ll find someone who doesn’t mistake being chosen for losing herself—someone who doesn’t flinch at being loved.
Someone who doesn’t second-guess what she already has.
And that’s the part that terrifies me most.
I never wanted to get so lost in love that I disappeared inside it. But somewhere along the way, keeping myself safe turned into keeping him out.
My one-weekend-a-year plan started as a way to find myself without Holden. I could love him fully for that one weekend and work hard the rest of the year. I didn’t have to “lose myself” in a relationship, and I could still create a life independent of his.
I tried to convince myself it was enough, because I didn’t want to depend on anyone or be defined by someone else.
Mostly, I didn’t want to be like my mother.
The bench shifts as Holden drops beside me. “Are you okay, honey? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“You’re not too far off,” I murmur, taking the cup from him.
“What do you say we grab cookies before we head home? Preferably ones we don’t have to share with kids and I don’t have to make.”
I lift an eyebrow. “Like store-bought sugar cookies.”
“You know how I feel about those, La.” He groans dramatically, mostly for effect.
“Well, if you don’t want to bake them, then the ones with the frosting are the only ones left.” I shrug.
His mouth hardens into a line, but an edge twitches in laughter. It’s an age-old argument—something else grounded in who we are in real life. And I’m hanging on for dear life.
“That icing tastes like Play-Doh, Laila.”
“Then we’ll get the kind from the refrigerated section,” I say. “Those don’t have icing. The Christmas trees or the snowmen?”
He sighs. “Let’s go with the trees. And we’ll grab some Reese’s too. You polished off the bag hidden at the back of the fridge last week.”
My heart squeezes.
Holden has always shown me how much he loves me—how much he pays attention. And I can’t help but wonder how many times he’s done things like that and I simply just absorbed them, rather than focused on how important they are.
I’ve gone quiet again. Which isn’t normal where Holden is concerned, but nothing about today is normal. Not really.
He studies me but doesn’t press. “One more lap before we grab the kids from your sister?”
I nod, letting him pull me to my feet.
Skating with hot cocoa sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I let him guide me, slow and steady. If this is only a glimpse, I’ll savor every golden second—because when I wake, I plan to make it real.
thirty-four
LAILA
My familynever really had traditions like this. At least not every year. When Ella’s dad was alive, our time was filled to the brim with traditions for every single holiday we knew of, and others we didn’t.
Once he was gone, so were the traditions.
