Page 32 of Hate You Later
You know what’s worse than being ignored, Furball?
Finding cat crap in your clean laundry?I type.
Nope. Guess again, sir.
I give up, Cookie. What’s worse?
NOT being ignored, because there’s literally nobody out there to ignore you.
I scroll back to the goofy, cocky photo of Cookie that she sent at the beginning of this conversation and try to will the sentimental lump out of my throat. Who could ignore a lovable dog like that? What a crime!
She’s right, actually. Being ignored isn’t so bad in this context.
Are you still afraid of being abandoned, Cookie?
You never know. People change their minds and make stupid decisions. They kick the bucket unexpectedly. Shit happens. Real shit you can’t fix. Not just the kind in your laundry basket.
Shit indeed. Our usually fun conversation has taken a decidedly dark turn today. And yet, I don’t regret a thing. If anything, I feel closer to Cookie than I’ve felt to anyone in a long time.
You know what, Cookie? At least we have each other. I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve got your back. From now on!
I insert a smiling cat emoji in a sad attempt at levity.
About that. That’s the other thing,she says.Please don’t say you’re planning on ghosting me the minute the challenge is over? No, it’s not that. It’s just that I’m not sure if our relationship can stand the test of time. I wasn’t joking when I said I was afraid of you. It’s not just you though. It’s cats in general. Cats scare me silly.
What?
It’s true. My other secret fear is that I’m afraid of cats IRL. I can’t deal with your species, Furball.
I’d never hurt you, Cookie. And I’d never abandon you either. I happen to be rather fond of your kind.
It’s not lost on me that I’d never make these kinds of promises to a woman I was casually texting with. But Cookie is not a human. She’s safe from the Holm curse.
Thanks, Oliver. You’re pretty ok for a weirdo. For the record, I’d also never ignore you or crap in your laundry basket either. I think your family sucks. You’re too much of a national treasure to be ignored or taken for granted. Save your favors for the people who will appreciate them. Cats like you don’t come along every day.
Validation hits me like a revelation. It’s ridiculous, really, how “seen” I feel. Actually seen. Not as Oliver, but as myself. Years of therapy and it comes down to this. What finally hits home is the simple wisdom of an anonymous Internet canine oracle.
You know, you can just say no to them,Cookie concludes.
I think for a moment before typing my reply, hoping to be as useful to her as she has been to me.
I think you are wise beyond your years, Cookie. Not sure what circumstances made you that way, but don’t forget that you don’t have to do it all alone. You’re pretty lovable, and you might want to consider letting others take care of you. Don’t rob them of the chance to demonstrate how much you mean to them.
Feeling a bit drained, I get up to pour myself another cup of coffee and process the conversation. A few minutes go by. Neither one of us types again.
I sit back down on the chaise and scroll through Instagram, catching up on my feed, liking reels, and leaving comments on a few other hash-tagged pet feeds. Then I click back to Cookie’s profile and scroll back through some of her posts, revising my impressions based on this new information about her. If anything, I think I like her more.
I notice her follower count has almost doubled.
I see you’ve gained several new followers this week, Cookie. Well done.
Thanks, Oliver. I promise I’ll still be your friend when I’m instafamous and fielding all the collab requests.
Collab? Pardon? Is that a Collie or a Labrador? Or both. Heavens, Cookie. Are you sure you’re up for a threesome? It sounds like exploitation!
I smile as I tease her. Our usual banter-y conversation is back on track. Why do I love winding her up?
Collab = Collaboration. That’s when big brands pay you to rep them, Boomer. Why are you even doing this challenge?
