Page 42 of The Marriage Pact
It was an awful thing to think, but Kaitlyn had come to another crossroads. Life in New York hadn’t been how she’d imagined, but it was life with Alex that was the real test. Had he been present —reallypresent, with time, and not just the promise of giving her whatever she wanted — things would’ve been different. It was just as she had feared. History was repeating itself, and it felt as though she was the one making the effort, even as he seemed not to realize there was a problem between them. She’d had her doubts but had given him their benefit. Now, the truth was out. It made Kaitlyn feel upset. Angry, even. Their argument wouldn’t easily be settled. Not unless he changed his behavior.
But that’s not going to happen, is it? This deal means everything to him. And when it’s done, there’ll be another one, and then another. Business never stops. This one certainly doesn’t.
Kaitlyn found herself wondering about Hilary. How did she cope with the demands of work and home life? Was she married? Did she have kids? Or was her life equally consumed by Lancaster Holdings? Kaitlyn was beginning to feel bitter. She didn’t like it. It wasn’t her. Alex had been kind to her. He’d swept her off her feet for a second time, but the reality of the day-to-day had hit home. It wasn’t working. And it wasn’t what she wanted.
So, what am I going to do? Go back to Cedarhurst and start over again? Is that what he wants? Is that what I want?
In recent days, Kaitlyn had found herself thinking of her studio in San Francisco, of the peace and quiet it had afforded her. Life might not have been glitz and glamor, but it had been happy, nonetheless. Alex’s offer had come at another crossroads. Her mom’s death had made Kaitlyn question so much about herself and her life. Alex’s return had been a comfort. He was something to cling to, a memory from the past.
But you can’t live in the past. It doesn’t work like that. I don’t know what to do.
Looking around the apartment, with its soulless feel and nothing to distinguish it as her own, made Kaitlyn realize just how out of her comfort zone she was. This wasn’t her. None of it was. It was meant to be her and Alex, but right now, Kaitlyn felt nothing but alone.
Then I don’t have a choice, do I? I’ll have to go back to Cedarhurst.
It had always been a possibility, of course, but she’d truly believed Alex had meant what he’d said. He’d said things were different from ten years ago, and that they’d make a proper go of it this time. But if old habits were to die hard, Kaitlyn knew she had to take care of herself. It was late afternoon. She’d never get a flight back to Illinois at this time, not a commercial one at least. It pained her to think she’d made such a decision. What would he say? And when would she tell him? Tears filled her eyes as she began to pack her few meager possessions into a bag. Was it really all over?
It doesn’t have to be, does it? I could put up with it.
She was of two minds. To stay or to go. It was so difficult to know what to do and to make the decision as to whether to do it or not. She loved Alex, but she didn’t love his life or the life she was forced to lead to be part of his. As she stuffed her clothes into a suitcase, her gaze fell on the ceramic in the display case. It was the piece Alex had bought in secret. The one he said reminded him of her. A tear rolled down her cheek. He could be so different when he wanted to be, but when the business called…
And that’s how it’s always going to be. It was the same when he was at Harvard.
Kaitlyn could hear Rachel saying the words “I told you so.” It made her feel sad. Had she done something to bring this about? Should she have tried harder? Perhaps her leaving would prove to be a wake-up call for Alex. The day dragged on into evening. Kaitlyn wasn’t hungry, and she lay on the couch, flicking aimlessly through the channels on the TV. She didn’t know what to do. Leave or stay? It was late when Alex returned. He was still on the phone, talking loudly in the lobby. He sounded angry.
“Do whatever it takes. Stay up all night if you have to. I want the deal closed by tomorrow. We’ll get that money, whatever it takes.”
Kaitlyn turned off the television and lay staring up at the ceiling. The air-con was humming gently, and she waited for Alex to come into the living room. But instead, she heard him go straight to bed. Didn’t he want to talk? Didn’t he want to apologize? Had he returned with an apology, it might’ve swayed her to stay. They could’ve talked and worked things out. But he’d taken the easy way out and gone to bed. It made her feel angry. That night, Kaitlyn slept on the couch, waking only at the sound of Alex getting up to go to the gym.
“I thought I’d give you some space last night,” he said, swigging smoothie from a carton out of the refrigerator.
Was he doing it to be deliberately provocative? He’d leave shortly. The moment would be lost. Kaitlyn’s heart was beating fast. It was now or never.
“I don’t think this is working, Alex,” she said.
The bombshell was dropped. He paused mid-swig and looked at her curiously. “What do you mean?”
Kaitlyn took a deep breath. Did she really have to spell it out for him? “I mean, I don’t think this is working, you and me, all this. It’s just like before,” she replied.
“Look,” he said, taking a step toward her. “We had an argument last night. I’m sorry, but I had to see to things at the office. This deal means everything to the company. It has to go through.”
“I’m not only talking about the argument. It’s everything, Alex. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or be. I thought we’dhave time together to get to know one another again. But you’re always working. And even when you’re not working, I can tell you’re thinking about it.”
He looked at her in disbelief. It was as though he hadn’t realized anything of what she was saying. Was he really so indifferent as to not recognize what it was that was driving a wedge between them?
“I don’t know what you mean. Are you saying you’re leaving?” he asked.
Kaitlyn nodded. She hadn’t wanted it to sound like an ultimatum. In truth, she hadn’t really known how it would sound. But as for his reaction, she’d expected something more. Why wasn’t he fighting for her? Where was the upset, the emotion?
“I think we rushed into things too quickly. I’ve still got the house in Cedarhurst. I can go back there. We can… work things out,” she said, but even she could hear the doubt in her own voice.
Her mind was made up. She couldn’t go on like this, living in the hope of him changing. It had all been too much too soon, and after too long.
“I thought you were happy here. I thought I made you happy,” he said.
“You do… You did. Oh, I just… I can’t compete,” Kaitlyn replied. “You’ve got your world, and I don’t fit into it. I can’t live my life waiting for you to come back.”
There was no point in denying her feelings. To hold back would only make her bitter. He could promise to try harder, that thingswould be different, but unless something truly changed — unless he realized it for himself — this was how it would always be.
