Page 106 of Not Part of the Plan
The canvas was huge, wider than she was tall. It was a shock to see herself beyond life-size. He’d taken this shot of her in bed at her cottage. Soft focus, filtered light from the nightstand lamp. The sheet draped over her like a gown. One hand in her hair, a riot of curls spilling over skin and pillow and sheet. Her face was the focus. Eyes closed, the slightest curve of her rosy, swollen lips. She looked like a goddess, a well satisfied one.
She swallowed hard past the lump in her throat. Was this how Nikolai saw her? This languid, powerful beauty?
“What do you think?” Behind her, his voice purred low and raw.
She didn’t turn away from the photo but brought her fingers to her lips. “I don’t know what to say, Niko. These all are so wonderful, so beautiful. It’s like… it’s like you love us.”
He turned her then, gently forcing her to face him, nudging her chin up until she met his gaze.
“I do.”
She sucked in a breath as if she’d taken a hit. The words echoed inside her like a wave that kept crashing against the shore.
“What do you mean?” she demanded.
“I mean I’m in love with you Emma. And this is how I thought I could best show you. Do you see it?”
Emma inhaled on a gasp. There wasn’t enough oxygen here. Too many people, too much noise. She turned away from him and back to the picture of herself. But that was too much, too. She couldn’t live up to those expectations, those ideals. She couldn’t give herself up to a love like this. She’d lose herself. Who knew where she’d end up if she gave the reins to Niko. Did he expect her to give up everything she’d worked toward to follow him around the world?
It wasn’t fair. It couldn’t work. She couldn’t give herself over to someone like Nikolai Vulkov. She’d end up broken and damaged, just like her father had.
“Emma?” Niko’s touch was gentle on her arms. “Just tell me what you’re thinking. I know it’s a lot to take in. I know we weren’t planning this. But you are it for me, and I’ve known that for a long time.”
She shook her head trying to block out the words. “I can’t do this, Niko. I can’t be this woman.” She gestured at the picture. “That’s not me. That’s some filtered, edited version of me.”
“Emma.” Niko’s voice carried a warning now. “I understand this is a lot to take in, and I’m not asking you for a permanent commitment right now. I just need you to know that I love you. That?” He pointed at the picture. “That’s not some edited ideal. That’syou. That’s how I see you. I know you, Emma.”
“Niko, I can’t do this.”
“What can’t you do?” He skimmed his hands gently over her shoulders and down her arms. “Tell me what you need.”
She pulled away and it cost her. “I need space. I need to think.”
“Baby—”
But she was already backing away. “I’m sorry, Niko. I don’t mean to ruin your night. Your work is… amazing. But I can’t be here.”
He grabbed for her arm. “Emma, you can’t just leave. I’m not letting you wander the streets of New York alone.”
“I’m going home.”
“What? How?”
“I’ll take a cab to the train station,” she decided. “I just have to go. I’m sorry.”
She bolted out the exit she spotted and found herself in an alley. Blinded by tears, she ran toward the streetlights. Behind her, the door bounced off the brick, and she heard footsteps running after her.
He caught her easily, yanking her back against him and then forcing her against a wall. His breath was ragged in her ear, yet he said nothing. When she trembled against him, choking out a sob, he ever so gently turned her to face him. With supreme care as if he was holding fragile glass, he tucked her under his chin and wrapped his arms around her.
“I know you’re scared, Emma. I know you are. It’s a scary thing—frankly, I’m fucking terrified, too—but I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” His lips moved against her hair, his broad hands stroked her back gently as she sobbed into his chest.
She wanted him. She wanted to love him, wanted to just throw caution to the wind and jump. She wanted to follow him, to build a life with him. Desperately. But she couldn’t do that. That’s how people ended up damaged. Nikolai could break her. Long ago, when she’d had her heart broken, she’d vowed to never let anyone put her in that position of vulnerability.
But here in Niko’s arms, all of that resolve blurred. Everything she knew to be true wavered.
“I love you, Emma,” he whispered the words as he held her. “I’m not going to let you go.”
That’s what she was afraid of.
