Page 111 of Not Part of the Plan
“Oh, no, baby. How dareyou. If you turn your back on this because you think that finding a nice, safe, stable guy will protect you from pain, you’re throwing away something real.”
“This is just another fling for you. You’re not capable of love!”
“Bullshit, Emma! Why won’t you hear me? I fucking love you, and you’re cutting my heart out with this fear.”
She didn’t respond, couldn’t, because her throat closed on itself, but a tear carved a path down her cheek.
He tried again. “Baby, you deserve a life of love and passion and adventure. Not some coma of boredom. I can give you what you need, what you’ve been telling yourself is wrong and scary. And I can still protect you. Let me give you what you need. Let me love you, Emma.”
She shook her head back and forth, tears seeping from the corners of her eyes. “I can’t love you, Niko. You aren’t what I want.”
“God damn it!” Anger flashed white and bright from him. “What do you want then?”
“I want someone I can count on—”
“You had that. You had it with the guy before me, and it still wasn’t enough to make you stay,” Niko argued. “You know what you really want? You want someone who makes every damn day of your life an adventure. Someone who’s going to fight for you if you ever try to give up and walk away. You want someone who will make youfeel.”
His lips crushed down on hers in a volatile kiss that stole the breath from her lungs like an inferno. She clung to him even as she tried to push him away. She would not give in to this, would not feed the need that threatened to consume her. This wasn’t the life she had planned for.
She couldn’t control Nikolai... or survive him.
Yet she couldn’t stop herself for opening for him, welcoming him into her mouth with a hunger that would never be sated. She let the heat scorch her, let it begin to thaw the ice that was forming in her chest.
Why did she crave this from him? Why did he make her feel alive?He wasn’t safe. Nikolai Vulkov was a threat to her. He could hurt her. Deeply. He could leave her wrecked and heart-broken, too devastated to pick up the pieces.
She shoved away from him even as her fingers curled into his shoulders to keep him close. “You’re wrong. I don’t want this.”
He cupped her face in his hands, his eyes hard, his breathing ragged. “You have to stop denying yourself, Emma. You can’t protect yourself from everything and still call it a life.”
“You don’t know,” she said, her voice breaking to betray her fear.
“I know I fucking love you, Emmaline. I know that I’m fighting for you right now.”
“What kind of a life would we have together, Niko? Your life is in New York. Mine’s here.”
“The how isn’t important right now.” His hands skimmed to her shoulders where they settled heavily. “It’s the why, and I’m giving it to you. I love you. I want to be with you. I want a life with you. If you want it, we’ll find a way to make it work.”
“The how matters to me!” She hated that her voice broke. Hated the desperation she heard in it. “I need to know that it will work. I want a guarantee that I’m not jumping into a huge mistake.”
“Life doesn’t come with guarantees. You don’t get a warranty or money-back guarantee with love.” The frustration she heard in his tone grated at her. He didn’t understand. He was fearless. Like her mother.
“You remind me of her,” she said softly. “My mother thought that life was a big adventure. She dreamed big, and I loved her so much.”
He squeezed her shoulders reflexively as if he could ward off the pain with his touch. But there wasn’t anything anyone could do to protect her from what she’d already let inside. “She left us when we weren’t big enough or exciting enough for her anymore. I’m not going to give you the chance to leave me. I barely survived it when she did, and I know I wouldn’t if you would.” Her teeth were chattering as she spoke the words that clawed their way out of her throat.
Nikolai took a step back as if she’d slapped him. His face was ashen, his broad shoulders tense.
“Do you think I’m not deserving or worthy of your love?” he asked quietly.
“What? No!” She didn’t believe that. He was deserving of anyone’s love. “This isn’t about you deserving love. This is about you being able to hurt me.”
“Anyone you love has the capability to hurt you, Emma! It goes with the territory of opening yourself up. I’m here. I’m open, and you’re the one hurting me.”
She shrugged out of his grasp, unable to think clearly when he had his hands on her. “I need some time to think, some space.”
“You need to run away. Again. You need to walk out when the going gets tough. Now who reminds you of her?” Nikolai said the words quietly, but that didn’t dispel their force. Nor did it dull the pain they inflicted.
Emma gaped at him. He said he wanted to fight for her, yet here he was proving her exactly right. He could and would hurt her because she cared too much. But it wasn’t too late to protect herself.
