Page 109 of No More Secrets
“Three, three and a half years?”
“And in those three or three and a half years I have never seen you as happy as I did last month. Covered in dirt, harvesting vegetables, playing with farm animals. Looking at Carter. You love him. You love that family, that farm, that town. Yet here you stand.”
“You know why,” she spat out the words.
“No. I don’t.” Nikolai stood up, arms crossed. “You won’t let me in. You won’t let anyone in.” He was just below a low roar now.
Summer grabbed him and dragged him into an empty conference room where she shut the door. The glass walls wouldn’t hide the fact that they were arguing, but at least the ears of the office would be left guessing as to what about.
“I have cancer, Nikolai.”
“I know that, Summer. And the fucking word you’re looking for ishad, not have.”
Her six-month tests had been clean. And though her doctors were cautiously optimistic, remission was a fickle thing. “It could come back at any time.”
“Or you could get hit by a bus crossing 33rd.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me. Tell me why you beating cancer means that you can’t be with Carter.”
“He wants a life and a family. I don’t even know if I can ever have kids. One of the side effects of treatment. And what if I do and it comes back? What if I don’t get lucky next time?”
“So you make the choice for him? Goddamn it Summer, you are a smart, capable woman but that’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Nikolai waved his arms in exasperation.
He grabbed her shoulders. “What if it does come back? What are you going to do then? Hide it from everyone again? Try to do it all on your own? Until someone catches you in a weak moment when you’re so sick from your meds that you can barely stand up? What if it comes back, and this time it kills you?”
Summer winced at his words.
“Niko —”
“You want to do that alone? You could have Carter at your side, helping you, but you think it’s better to go it alone.”
Summer wrenched free. “He deserves better!” She was shouting now and didn’t care. “He deserves someone who is going to be there in fifty years and sit on that porch and watch the grandkids play.”
“No one gets that guarantee,” Nikolai said it quietly. “Not even people who don’t have cancer. People die every day. People lose loved ones every damn day. And you think by not being someone’s other half you can protect them from that? Bullshit.”
“I’m scared, Niko.” The fight had gone out of her.
He wrapped his arms around her and she could smell leather and cologne. “I know you are. I would be, too. You’re facing two of the scariest, shit-your-pants things in life: cancer and love.”
She snickered. “Oh my God, you really should be a writer.”
“Look, brat. I love you to pieces. I hate to think that you’re too scared to be happy.”
Summer sighed and flopped down in a chair. “I will think about your curse words of wisdom.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“Did you know your accent comes out more when you’re mad?”
“Just be glad I didn’t break out any Russian swear words. Your fragile American ears would never be the same.” He leaned against the table. “When are your tests?”
“The eighth.”It was the day the magazine’s September issue came out with her story on Carter and the farm,she thought.
“I get the results the next day.”
“Do you want me to go with you?” Niko offered.
