Page 216 of Things We Hide from the Light
I tried to pry his hands loose, but the man wasn’t giving an inch. He was squeezing the breath out of me. “If you’re looking for an argument here, you’re gonna be disappointed.”
“All day, all I could think about was what if something happened to you.”
“Nothing happened to me. Nothing is going to happen to me,” I whispered, my breath hitching. How many conversations had I had with my parents that started the same way and ended with me making promises we all knew I couldn’t keep?
“Lucian said we’re doomed to repeat the mistakes our fathers made.”
I fought against his grip and he finally allowed me to turn in his arms. When I looked up into his face, I wished I hadn’t. So much pain. So much sadness. I ached for him.
“You went to Lucian for advice? That guy is one typewriter away fromThe Shining. I mean, it’s great that he owns hisfucked-upness, but he’s the guy you go to for stock tips or to make someone disappear. He’s not the guy you go to for advice on women.”
Nash’s lips quirked as the rain pattered down on our heads. “I repeat. Idiot asshole. I think I was looking for someone to confirm my darkest fears.”
“Well, you went to the right place.”
“My mom asked me to go with her to the store that day. I didn’t feel like it. I was too busy doing whatever kid shit kids do. I could have been there. But I wasn’t. So she died alone in that car. I could have helped her if I’d been there. Maybe I could have even prevented it. But I wasn’t there.”
My heart ached for him when his voice broke.
“After, I made sure I was there every fucking day and I still couldn’t save my dad.”
Tears burned paths down my cheeks. Seeing them, Nash hooked a hand at the back of my neck and pressed my face to his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight.
“We lost him too,” he continued. “No matter how good my grades were, how hard I worked on the football field, nothing was enough to make him choose us. He wanted something more than he wanted us.”
I let out a shuddering sob, my heart shattering for the boy who wanted to save everyone.
His arms tightened around me until I could barely breathe.
“I wasn’t there when Lucian was arrested. We found out after the fact. He didn’t deserve to be punished for defending himself against his own fucking father. I thought becoming a cop would mean I could finally fix it all. I could protect the ones who needed protecting.”
“That’s what you’re doing. Every damn day, Nash,” I murmured against his damp uniform shirt. His badge was icy against my cheek.
He gave a bitter laugh. “Who am I protecting? I couldn’t even save myself. If not for dumb fucking luck, I wouldn’t even be here.”
I wrestled my arms free so I could cup his face. “On your darkest days, you drag yourself out of bed and you choose to go protect your town, your people. That’s what a hero does, you idiot. What you do is nothing short of heroic.”
Eyes closed, he bowed his head to mine.
Tears continued to spill free onto my cheeks, scalding hot against the icy raindrops. “I’m so proud of you, Nash. You face down your own demons every damn day so you can show up and be there for everyone else. You single-handedly made your entire town safer. Hell, even Tina respects you.”
“My family doesn’t.”
My heart ached for him. “Baby. Your brother and grandmother are two of the worst communicators in the world. Maybe Knox doesn’t understand why you do what you do, but he is so fucking proud of you for doing it. Just like you’re proud of him for using his money to help support the same people you protect. Not that you’d ever tell him that. But you’re the one who stands between your people and danger. You’re the one who’s there immediately after to restore order. You’re the one who does whatever he can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
He crushed me to him again as the rain pelted us. “I miss her,” he whispered. “I–I think maybe she would have been proud.”
I held on to him like he was dangling off a cliff. “Sheisproud of you.”
He took a shaky breath, his chest rising against mine. “They used to dance in the kitchen. My parents. They used to be happy. He loved her so much. And when she was gone, he didn’t love us enough. He chose booze and pills over and over again. Heneededthem.”
“And that sucks, but it was never because of you. It was never because of anything you did or didn’t do.”
“Iwantyou like that. Ineedyou like that.”
“You arenotyour father, hotshot. And I am not some unhealthy habit that needs to be kicked. We are all very different people from the ones who made us. You didn’t turn to me to numb yourself to the pain. You turned to me to remember what felt good. To give yourself a reason to fight through the pain.”
“Jesus. Why in the fuck did I talk to Lucian and not you?”
