Page 146 of The Making of Jonty Bloom
No, it wasn’t.
“I heard Vincent tell Hamish he’d retire when the hotel closed.”
“So no one screamed abuse or fainted?”
“It was very civilised.”
“I want to go and see Tay after we’ve spoken to the police.”
“Okay.”
“I’m not going to see my mother tomorrow.”
This time, Devan’sokaytook longer to come. “Okay. Why not?”
“I changed my mind. She made her decision seventeen years ago. What does it matter now?”
“What about your sister, your half-brothers?”
“They don’t know about me. It makes me seem needy to ask to see them. I’m fine.”
Jonty curled up away from Devan and pressed the side of his face to the window.Because that really screams I’m fine. Fuck!But Devan just patted his hand.He knows I’m not fine.
IT WAS SEVEN AT NIGHTbefore Jonty and Devan left the station. This time, Jonty told the police everything, exactly what Brad had done to him on that final date. It was easier without Devan next to him. He managed to utter the wordrapewithout choking up, but felt something die inside him when he said it. He’d expected to be pressed about why he’d not spoken out before, but the guy interviewing him was kind and understanding, and that made Jonty cry.
All the tears he’d not shed started to fall. Guilt was eating him up. If he’d spoken out about what Brad had done… If… If…
Apparently, Brad had asked for a lawyer and was claiming he’d messed up his medication which had made him act irrationally. He had to be mentally ill. Obsessive behaviour that Brad thought was love.What an irony to be loved too much by a man he loathed. Jonty was relieved beyond words that Brad wouldn’t be allowed bail.
When the police were done with him, for the time being at least, Jonty went to the bathroom. He threw up in the toilet, but it didn’t make him feel any better. When he looked in the mirror after he washed his mouth out, he almost didn’t recognise himself. Where had his tan gone? His face was as white as his hair. Add in his blood-shot eyes and he looked like a malnourished vampire. He felt empty—drained of everything except for a suffocating feeling of guilt.Oh Tay, I’m so fucking sorry.
Devan was waiting in the reception when Jonty emerged. Jonty needed the hug, but even as Devan wrapped his arms around him, he could feel himself pulling back behind his protective shell. If he was going to survive, he had to do what he’d done before. Lock away everything, bin the key and move on. Except he wasn’t sure that he could. Not this time. Devan was going to leave him. Maybe not for a month, but he’d still go because Jonty couldn’t leave Tay and go to London.If I rely on Devan now, it will hurt more when he’s gone.Jonty forced himself to pull away from Devan and wrapped his arms around himself.
“Don’t,” Devan whispered. “Please. I need you even if you’re trying to persuade yourself you don’t need me.”
“You need a happy Jonty but I’m not him anymore.”
Devan gripped his hand and tugged him out of the police station and back to where they’d parked. “After a day like today and seeing your father yesterday, it would be a miracle if you were happy. Give yourself time.”
“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, right?”
“I don’t know about that.”
“Nor me. I don’t believe it,” Jonty whispered. “I don’t like being shoved through hell to see what I’m made of, as if that will make me appreciate what I was doing wrong so I could do it right next time. If I was supposed to grow stronger, then I was doing something wrong because everything I went through made me feel weaker and sadder. How could there be anything empowering about being abandoned by my mother when I was a kid, being beaten by my father, being told I’m useless, worthless. I wasn’t left stronger—I was left traumatised.”
Devan stopped walking, pulled him in and held him tight. “But everything that’s happened to you has made you into the person you are, which is kind and thoughtful and funny. You’re strong in spite of your past, not because of it. You understand what it’s like to be lonely, what it’s like to be unloved by people who should have loved you more than their own lives. That you can rise above that and be the guy you are… I am in awe of you.”
Jonty swallowed hard and hope flared in his chest. “I’m awesome?”
“Yes, you’re awesome. One week with you and I know you’re strong enough to get over what happened yesterday and today. You can deal with it. You look for help when you need it and it takes a strong man to accept when he needs help. I came up here with my ego battered and bruised. I didn’t think I needed help, but I did. I’d lost sight of what I should have been thinking about and you saw that. It’s not wrong to feel broken-hearted over things that have hurt you. It’s not wrong to feel weakened by them. It’s okay to feel glad those things are over.”
“So…I’m awesome?”
Devan chuckled. He took Jonty’s hand and they walked the rest of the way to the car.
“Still want to go to Tay’s?” Devan asked as he sat behind the wheel.
“Yes. I have to tell them what I found out.”
