Page 122 of A Long Way Back
Ink laughed. “No.”
“Dye my hair purple?”
“Mmm.”
“There’s a beach I want to take you to while the weather’s still warm, but I need to be steadier on my feet first. Ross Back Sands. It’s a nudist beach.”
“You’ve been on a beach naked?”
“Not that one. Bloody Jonty convinced me that Low-Newton-by-the-sea was a nudist beach, and he let me strip and get halfway to the water before he yelled that he’d got it wrong and it was Ross Back Sands.”
Ink chuckled.
“I want you to meet him,” Tay said. “I want us to be friends with him, and with Devan.”
“Uh huh.” Ink let his eyes close. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Tay there was no way this would last, that something would happen that meant he had to leave.
“Don’t.” The hurt in Tay’s voice was unmistakable. “Open your eyes and look at me.”
Ink opened his eyes.
“You’re planning to leave before you’ve even fucking arrived,” Tay said quietly.
Maybe Ink had to be cruel. “You have no idea what you’d be letting yourself in for. A child killer for a boyfriend? You think anyone will want to be your friend if you’re with me? Will want to serve you in a shop, in a restaurant, or give you work? How will you feel when people throw shit at your house? Break your windows? When they scratch obscenities on your car? Paint them on your home? Spit at you in the street? When they do all they can to wreck your life? How do you think I’d feel watching bad things happening to you, knowing it was all my fault? And it’s not just your life that would be affected. The lives of your parents and sisters too.”
“What happened to the glass half full guy?”
“I don’t think he really exists,” Ink whispered. “It’s the guy I want to be, but I have this dark shadow hanging over me and I’m just waiting for it to fall, and when it does, I’ll be suffocated.”
Tay took hold of his hand. “I won’t let it fall. If life doesn’t work out here, then we’ll move somewhere else.”
And again, and again?Tay wasn’t thinking straight.I’m his first boyfriend. He’s infatuated.Tay would get over him. He’d have other boyfriends. Ink’s throat thickened. As soon as he felt stronger, he’d move on.
“Why are you so determined not to give us a chance?” Tay asked.
Because they didn’t have one.
Tay let go of his fingers. “If you don’t want to try, I can’t make you. I’ll take you home with me and when you’re feeling okay, I’ll drive you to a station and you can pick your destination at random and say goodbye. I’ll even keep Dog if you like. Then you can remember for the rest of your life that you had a chance for something more and you threw it away.” He sucked in a breath. “Oh God. Are we breaking up? I don’t want to break up. You make me happy.”
“You make me happy too.” It wasn’t what Ink should have said but he couldn’t help himself.
“Let’s pretend,” Tay whispered and tugged Ink closer.
“Pretend what?”
“That nothing matters before we met. That we’re off on an adventure. That the future can be whatever we want it to be. Sadness not allowed. Worry not allowed. Let’s do what we like for as long as we can. Let’s be brave together.”
Ink let his head settle on Tay’s shoulder. He knew he was depressed. It had been easier to be upbeat when he’d not had so much to lose, so much he longed to keep hold of. If he wasn’t careful, he’d push away the best thing to ever happen to him. He was so tired of running. He’d be a fool to run from a chance to stop.
“No more thinking about what might happen because it’s going to spoil what’s happening now.” Tay kissed his head.
Ink could feel sleep pulling him under.When I wake, I’ll be different. Don’t wreck this chance.
“HEY, TIME TO WAKE UP.”
Tay’s voice broke into Ink’s sleep and he sucked in a breath. He opened his eyes to find himself still leaning against Tay.
“We’re nearly in Newcastle.”
