Page 36 of A Long Way Back
“Like post-traumatic stress disorder.”
“Maybe, but it isn’t as if the fear’s come from some traumatic experience like being assaulted or raped. It’s stupid. I mean, I can’t even fucking shake hands without my heart beating out of my chest.”
“Someone tried to kill you and you were left unable to do anything for yourself for a long time and without a voice to object when things were done that you didn’t like. That sounds fucking traumatic to me. Have you spoken to anyone about it?”
“No. I don’t want anything else to be the matter with me.”
Ink puffed out a laugh. “Just wanting there to be nothing wrong doesn’t make it so. Not all touch is bad.”
Tay’s cheek twitched. “I know. I’m not stupid.”
“I mean, you wank, right? You can touch yourself. And I had to touch you today to stop you getting pulled into the water. You didn’t have a panic attack then.”
“I think I was more panicked about getting yanked in and drowning.”
“Sex,” Ink said.
Tay’s heart stuttered.
“If you associate touch with something pleasant, maybe that will be enough to cure you.”
“Thank you, Doctor. Who am I supposed to have sex with?” His heart was still battering his ribs. Was Ink offering?Am I interested?
“How long since you’ve had sex?” Ink winced. “Sorry. That’s too personal.”
Was Ink blushing?
“What about Grindr?” Ink asked.
“You’re still assuming I’m gay.”
“Well, is there a straight version? Not Tinder. Something more like Grindr. Is that possible? Grindr is aimed at gay guys who just want to hook up and fuck their brains out or something similar. Straight men probably want the same, except to do it with women, but not as many straight women would want to fuck and walk away. Plus, trust would be an issue. Well, trust’s an issue on Grindr too. There was that guy in the UK who used Grindr to hook up with guys and he murdered at least four men and raped a lot of others.”
“That’s a cheery thought. Are you on Grindr?”
“No. But I did once read that there are guys on there who like to blow straight dudes so…” Ink looked across the table at him and Tay’s mouth went dry.
“I don’t think I’m straight.”Oh God what have I said?
“O…kay.”
Tay didn’t say anything else. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t believe he’d said that.
“I guess that was a big confession,” Ink said. “Stress levels soared? Good thing you’re sitting down. Need to put your head between your legs?”
“No.” Tay took a deep breath.
“Need me to do it for you?”
“You’re the first person I’ve said that to.” Somehow saying it had made it feel more like the truth. But still, he’d used the wordthink.
“Maybe it helps that you don’t really know me and I’m gay.”
“Maybe.”
“Why don’t you think you’re straight?”
“I had girlfriends. Not many. Never for long. It never felt right. I think…”Oh fuck.
