Page 37 of A Long Way Back
“Don’t stop now. Pretend you’re in the confessional. You want more wine?”
Despite Tay’s anxiety, he managed to laugh. “Thank you, Father Ink, but no more wine.”
Tay felt as if he’d poked a hole in a dam and water was seeping out. Unless he found a way to plug it, pretty soon it was going to pour out.But do I want to plug it?
“Jonty…” The word blocked Tay’s throat.
“Your friend.”
“The best friend I ever had. We met at secondary school. I’m two years older, but the moment I saw him… He was so funny and smart, and he liked the same things I did. There was something special between us. Pretty soon we were almost inseparable. We did everything together at weekends and during the holidays. Even when I went off to university, I came home to spend time with Jonty. I stayed living with my mum and dad when I got a job so that I was near him. You know what it’s like when you have a really good friend. He never let me down. He was…perfect.”
“Is Jonty gay?”
“Yes. He came out when he was thirteen and his father beat the shit out of him.”
Ink winced.
“Jonty assumed I was straight and I went along with it. I did wonder if I was bi. I never told Jonty how I felt. Partly because I was too afraid of losing him as a friend. He was such a big part of my life and he’d never shown any interest in me… Not sexual interest. If he had, I think my life would have been very different.”
“He never guessed how you felt about him?”
Tay shook his head. “I was afraid to be gay because it just seemed I’d be opening myself up to a world of problems. Jonty not fancying me being the major one. So I told myself I probably wasn’t gay because it was easier. I got a girlfriend. Then another. It was…okay but…never enough somehow. Jonty didn’t go out with many guys. Nothing lasted. I never thought any of them were good enough for him. Wind on to around sixteen months ago, and Jonty started to see a guy called Brad. I really didn’t like him and not just because he didn’t like me being Jonty’s friend.”
Tay gave a short laugh. “Maybe Brad knew I was gay before I did. Anyway, Brad tried to get rid of me for good a couple of months later, and I ended up with broken limbs and a brain injury. And… I half-blamed Jonty. If he’d listened to me and not gone out with Brad, then I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in today. But Jonty never gave up on me when I was in hospital and at home. He came and talked to me and… Anyway, Jonty’s with someone now. A guy called Devan. They live together in Northumberland. I told Jonty that I didn’t want to see him anymore because I imagined that would be less painful. I was wrong.”
“You love him.”
Tay’s heart thumped. “I think he was the love of my life.”
“When did you last see him?” Ink asked quietly.
“December. I had to let him think the reason I didn’t want to see him again was because I blamed him for what happened with Brad, but really it was because I couldn’t stand to see him with someone he thought the world of. I was jealous. A shitty thing to do, right?”
“Yes, it was, throwing away all those years of friendship in a lie. But you were hurt. You’re still hurting. I get that. And you’re angry that you left it too late to say how you felt.” He paused. “Is it too late?”
“My head is killing me.” Tay didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
“Think you could cope with a massage? It might help your head.”
Tay raised his eyebrows. “If you don’t use your hands.”
“I’m not sure my tongue is strong enough. But I’m game if you are.”
Oh God.He swallowed hard.
“What if I did it through your clothes? I don’t mean licking. You want to try? I’ll stop the moment you tell me to.”
“Do you know how to give a massage?”
“Pfff. I’m highly trained.”
“Who by?”
“Google and Wikihow. I have a black belt.”
Tay barked out a laugh. “Okay.” The word slipped out before he could stop it.
“You go and get comfortable. I’ll feed Dog and wash up.” He handed Tay his crutches. “Maybe you’ll fall asleep before I get there.”
