Page 75 of A Long Way Back
“Let me wash up,” Tay said. “You go and sit down.”
Ink hesitated, then nodded. “Okay.”
He sprawled on the couch, his legs stretched out, crossed at the ankles. Dog followed and curled up at his feet. A lump formed in Tay’s throat. His heart thudded. He wanted to pull Ink into his arms, but he was afraid of hurting him.
“Want another coffee or anything else that’s not too much trouble?” Tay called.
“I’m fine, thanks.”
Tay went over on his crutches, sat at the other end of the couch and Dog moved to Tay’s feet. “What… What do you see when you look at me?”Oh God, how needy did that sound?
Ink turned his head. “A guy with a sense of loss hanging over him, which isn’t surprising. You’re determined and focused, though you lost your way for a while. I guess you’re still on an unsteady path, a few rocks, a bit of quicksand, and a couple of snake pits in your way. Frustrated by your lack of mobility, but you’re not the type to give up. I think you’re a loyal friend, a good son, and you have a kind heart.”
“Do you like me?”
Ink smiled. “Almost as much as Dog does.”
Tay laughed, but he wished Ink had just saidyes.
“What do you miss most about your former life?” Ink asked. “If you could pick just one thing from it to have now, what would it be?”
Tay thought about it. He had a long list of stuff he missed. “I can manage with the slow speech, with forgetting things sometimes, but I miss my mobility. I miss waking up and thinking—I’ll go surfing with Jonty today, or riding with him.”Oh God, I miss him.But he wasn’t what he missed the most. Normality was what he missed.
“You should stop blaming him for what happened.”
“I know.”
“You’re lucky to have a friend like him. I envy you.”
“Don’t you have any friends?”
Ink shook his head.
“I don’t understand why you haven’t had boyfriends.”
“For some of the same reasons you haven’t. Easier and safer to be straight. When I gave up on that, I wasn’t much of a catch. A guy without a home or a job? A guy who likes to keep moving?”
“Doesn’t that get you down?”
“I’m a believer in the premise that when things look bleak, even hopeless, there’ll be something better around the next corner. Maybe not the answer to every problem, but enough sunshine to make life worth living. Everyone should think that.”
“Why?”
“Because once you take hope away from those at the bottom, what can you look forward to, apart from a long shitty life in the same place? Maybe itwillbe a shitty life, but you shouldn’t live thinking that. There’ll be problems ahead because there always are, no one’s life is perfect, but itistoo short to fixate on stuff that’s wrong. Even if happiness is fleeting, it’s still happiness, something to hang on to, something to remember when times are bad.”
Tay felt happy now, but was afraid to admit it, as if saying it would cause his fragile joy to crumble.
“I’m finding it really hard not to ask you questions,” Tay whispered. “Because it’s obvious something bad has happened to you, so bad that you don’t seem able to stop running. Chasing happiness? What do you do when you find it? Can’t you stop?”
“Moving on is in my blood. My parents were from Irish travelling families.Pavees. It means the walking people. After the Second World War, my grandfathers came over from Ireland to build motorways, married, and stayed in this country, but they kept travelling. My father and mother met at a horse fair. Eventually, they decided to settle in a house. We weren’t supposed to tell anyone about our history because of the prejudice against us. But people found out. They always do.”
“Did you ever live in a caravan?”
“Yep, when my dad worked with the fair. He owned two carousels, one for grownups and one for kids. His brother, my Uncle Felan, owned the big wheel. I always thought I’d be part of the fair, but— What does your father do?”
“Runs a haulage company.”
“And he didn’t want you to work in the business with him?”
