Page 82 of A Long Way Back
When he felt Tay wobble against him, he pushed to his feet to stop him from falling. Tay’s eyes were shut and his breathing was all over the place.
“I was…” Tay gasped. “I tried…”
“What?”
Tay’s eyes fluttered open. “I was supposed to warn you. I’ve watched…”
“Watched what? Gay porn?”
“Yeah, well…I haven’t been spying on my neighbours.”
Ink laughed. “Real life’s not like gay porn.” Though some of the men who’d paid him thought it was.
“Don’t wreck my dreams.” Tay wrapped his arms around him.
Ink smiled into Tay’s shoulder.
“What about you?” Tay whispered. “Did—?”
“You blinked and missed it.”
“Shit.” Tay laughed.
Ink reached behind him to turn off the water.
“Now what?” Tay asked.
“We get dry and we go to bed.”
Ink made sure Tay didn’t slip as he stepped out of the shower. He picked up the towels and gave Tay his.
“I want more,” Tay whispered.
“You really have been watching too much gay porn.”
“Don’t leave me.”
Ink’s heart clenched.Not yet.Though it might depend on what was harder, his cock or his resolve.
THEY WENT TO BED NAKED and Tay fell asleep almost before his head hit the pillow. Ink pulled on his shorts and went to let Dog out. It was a warm night and he sat on the steps, staring out into the garden as Dog checked for intruders. Why did happiness have to be so fleeting? Why couldn’t it just…last? Joy was so delicate, like a snowflake. Beautiful and precious, but there one moment and gone the next.
Could he spend a few weeks with Tay, help him sort himself out, share his flat, his life, his bed? Could he have more than that? He knew Tay was already curious about him, about some of the answers Ink had given to his questions. Could he convince him not to ask more, not to push? Ink thought not. This was a guy whose work involved looking for tiny irregularities in accounts, for incorrect practices, for fraud. Tay already knew Ink was hiding something big and didn’t want to come to the notice of the police. It was obvious he’ddonesomething.
Except he hadn’t.
Be fucking alive, Ruari!
Except he wasn’t.
Ink could never completely let go of that tiny fragment of hope, but, against all odds and the face of overwhelming evidence—what was more definitive than his father identifying Ruari’s body? —if Ruari had been alive, he’d have resurfaced by now. Once he realised what had happened to Ink, he’d have spoken out. Wouldn’t he?
Those thoughts didn’t surface very often. Ink might like to hope for the best, but he wasn’t a fantasist. He’d stopped waiting for Ruari to magically reappear. His brother was dead. The more important question was whether Ink was doing the best he could with the life he had.
Dog bounded back to his side and climbed onto his lap. Ink wrapped his arms around him and carried him back inside.
He took off his shorts and climbed into bed.
Tay opened his eyes and stroked Ink’s face. “You weren’t supposed to leave me.”
