Page 107 of A Long Way Back
“The CCTV camera outside the school showed Ru waiting, then leaving on his own at four,” his father said in a tone of voice that told Killian he was in trouble. “Where were you? The truth this time.”
Killian bit back his retort that he’d told the truth. “Games finished at three thirty-five. Mr Jones asked me and Wesley Dower to put the equipment away. Wes just threw it in and I knew we’d get into trouble if we left it a mess so I tidied it. I ran from there to Ru’s school still in my rugby gear. That would be maybe quarter to four, or a little later. It’ll be on the camera. Then I went for a shower. I was fast. Ru wasn’t there when I came out. I went to his school and looked but I couldn’t find him and I ran home.”
How many more times did he have to repeat the same thing? He wasn’t hungry, but he poured himself a glass of orange juice.
“Should I go to school?” Killian asked.
His father didn’t answer. Killian slunk out of the room and went back upstairs. He decided to go. He could ask Ru’s friends if they had any idea where his brother might have gone.
Killian didn’t feel well, he was hot and he ached, but how could he tell anyone? What did him being ill matter when his brother was missing? Killian thought Ru had been taken. Maybe by a stranger. They’d all had Stranger Danger drummed into them. But maybe he’d been taken by someone he knew. Ru had no reason to run away. He was the favourite son, but Killian didn’t resent him for that. No one could dislike Ru. He was sunshine and joy, always smiling. Why would anyone take his brother? Had they raped him? Tortured him? Killed him? Killian’s eyes prickled.I wish it was me instead of him. Please let him be all right.
He washed, cleaned his teeth and put on his uniform. His body was a mess of bruises. His mother wasn’t up by the time he left, but his father watched him go and said nothing. Killian kept his head down as he walked to school, taking the route that he and Ru generally used, the one he and his father had checked yesterday. He scanned the wet pavement, his gaze lingering on any piece of rubbish, in case it might be linked to his brother. Neither of them dropped litter but if he saw a wrapper off a chocolate bar Ru liked or one of his brother’s favourite pencils, or one of his funny keyring characters, or Bela’s favourite trinket—a bright red round bead, anything that might be a clue…
He saw nothing.
His journey across the playground felt as if he was parting the Red Sea. Everyone moved aside and left him on a solitary path to the school building. For a moment, he saw Ru’s bright smile ahead of him. But Killian blinked and he’d gone. He heard people whispering but no one spoke to him until he reached his classroom. Then his friends crowded round and asked him questions he couldn’t answer.
The police came to assembly, and the headmaster talked about Ru, asking everyone to keep a look out for him, and if they thought of anything that might help find him, to tell a teacher at once. A policeman would be at school all day and anything said would be heard in confidence.
If Ru’s dead, wouldn’t I feel it?Killian kept thinking of all the times he’d told his brother to get lost, to leave him alone, to stop pestering him, and he had to fight not to cry. He moved from lesson to lesson without even registering what they were about. He felt hot and clammy one minute, and shivered the next. When he checked out his throat in the bathroom, there were white lumps all over his tonsils which were so big, they’d practically closed off his airway. Every time he swallowed, it felt as if his throat was full of barbed wire.
Then a policeman came to get him in the middle of a lesson and Killian’s heart stopped. But it wasn’t with news about Ru. Just that he was needed for a press conference, to be next to his parents for a TV interview. He was driven through pouring rain to a hall he used to go to when he was in the Cubs. He stood next to his mum who somehow no longer looked like his mum. She was a shadow, pale and lifeless.
Someone read a statement and said they were an ordinary, happy family.No, we’re not.Killian wasn’t happy. He couldn’t remember when he’d last felt happy. His father wasn’t happy because he missed travelling and hated his brother, and he took out his bad temper on his wife and sometimes on Killian, never on Ru. His mother wasn’t happy because his father wasn’t. And now she’d likely never be happy again.
Then his mum spoke. “My little boy… Please. We want him back.” It was all she could say before the tears overwhelmed her. His father pulled her in close, further away from Killian, begged for help to find his son and spoke directly to Ru as if he could hear him. Killian silently pleaded with his brother to be okay and when pushed to speak just said, “Come home, Ru. I miss you.” But if Ru had been able to come home, he would have.
Back at the house, more policemen came asking questions that made his father tense. Neighbours had often heard raised voices.Killian was shocked when he realised his parents were under suspicion. Devastated when he realised that he was too. The questions were soft then hard.What fun things did you do with your brother? Did he make you laugh? Did your father hit him? Hit you? Hit your mother? Were you jealous of Ru? Had you quarrelled? Did you hit him? Hurt him? Push him? He wouldn’t have meant to hurt him, they knew that, but better to tell the truth now.
Killian was so tired. He’d never felt so exhausted. He’d told them the truth time after time but they weren’t listening. He curled up in his bed still wearing his uniform. He felt more ill than he ever had in his life. He ached all over. There were big lumps on his neck that hurt when he touched them. He shivered under his duvet and hoped Ru was warm and safe because he couldn’t let himself think that might not be true.
He dragged himself to school the next day, even though all he wanted to do was stay in bed. His teachers were kind and understanding when he fell asleep at his desk, except they didn’t understand at all. He wanted to yell at his mum that he was ill, but when he looked at her white face and the dark shadows under her eyes, he pressed his lips together and said nothing. She gave him a hug, but when Killian attempted to cling to her, she pulled away. He tried to stay out of sight, not be a bother, not do anything irritating, but his very existence irritated his father.
He stayed in his room and kept drinking water because he knew that was what you needed to do when you were ill. No one made him anything to eat, but he didn’t care. It hurt to swallow. He sometimes wondered if his parents remembered they had another son, then felt wracked with guilt because why should they think of anything but Ru? When his Uncle Felan came to see his father, Killian cried. The two didn’t get on, rarely spoke and when his uncle hugged his father, his older brother, Killian was afraid he’d never hug Ru again.
Killian’s throat didn’t improve. The lumps on his neck and in his throat got worse. He felt too ill to go to school, or write his stories, or read any of his books. When he wasn’t sleeping, he thought about Ru. His mum still believed he’d come home. His dad didn’t. Killian thought his dad was right, yet it felt wrong to give up hoping. He’d always imagined he and his brother would be friends forever. Even after they’d left home, they’d still see each other, go for meals, or to the cinema, maybe even take holidays together. Killian had told Ru he was gay. Despite the difference in age, he was Killian’s only friend.
On the fourth day after Ru had gone missing, Killian opened his eyes to see a stranger sitting by the side of his bed, his father standing by the door with his arms crossed.
“Hello, Killian. I’m Detective Inspector Reilly. Are you okay?”
Killian didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure he would ever be okay again. He could only drink with a straw. His throat felt full of glass. Every bone in his body ached, every hair on his head. He wanted to cry and didn’t have the strength.
“You don’t look well. Is something preying on your mind? Tell us about Ru. Tell us what happened.”
Killian tried to speak and only croaked.
“Where did you leave him?”
“School gate,” Killian whispered.
“We heard you told him to go to the old mill and meet you there.”
“What?”
“We need you to tell us what you and Wes did with your brother.”
Shock was working its way through Killian’s body, paralysing him from the feet up.Me and Wes?
