Page 35 of A Long Way Back
“Honey and mustard chicken.” Ink put the salad bowl on the table, then their two plates with the chicken, which looked and smelt delicious. “Wine? Well, you have to have some or I’ll feel terrible for opening it.”
“Yeah, I’ll have a glass.”
Ink poured them each a small amount, put the stopper in the bottle and slipped it back into the fridge. “I’ve never had wine before.”
Tay gaped at him. “Seriously?”
Ink nodded, but the look on his face made Tay think he wished he’d not told him that.
“Who taught you origami?” Tay picked up the impromptu napkin and inspected it.
“Origami porn channel. But it’spaper viewonly.”
Tay groaned. “What is it?” He was still trying to figure the shape out.
“It’s a bat. I’m mortally offended you can’t tell.”
Tay held it in different positions, but it in no way resembled a bat.
“Maybe a cat?” Ink said. “I might have misread it.”
“You made two the same so that’s impressive.”
“I’m no longer mortally offended.”
Tay didn’t want to like the meal, but he did. Even the salad tasted better than when he made it, which had to be down to the dressing. But when his headache suddenly flared, he stopped eating. He’d put up with not walking straight if the headaches would disappear.
“While you were asleep, I googled exercises to improve gait. Standing leg raises, half squat with a chair, quadriceps stretch, balancing on one foot and so on. Are they the sort of things the physio was doing?”
“Yes.” Tay took another sip of wine. Maybe alcohol would help his head.On what planet?
“What about swimming? Want to go tomorrow after the bed’s been delivered? Your mum thinks it’s a brilliant idea.”
Tay glared.
“She saidHis Speedos are in the top drawer. Don’t forget his water wings and rubber duck.Get the cane out if he says no.”
“Ha ha.”
“Don’t… Don’t you like the food? You’ve stopped eating.”
“It tastes good, but I have a headache.”
“I might be able to help with that, though it would mean me touching you.”
“Right.” Tay tensed.
“Why don’t you like to be touched? You didn’t even want your mum and dad to hug you.”
“While I was in hospital and after I went home, I had people touching me all the time. Nurses, physios, doctors, carers, my parents. Most of them told me what they were going to do, but not all. For a long time, I couldn’t tell them what I wanted or didn’t want or if they were hurting me. I had a feeding tube in my stomach. A catheter in my cock. I had to wear a…nappy.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. Oh fuck, forget I said shit.”
Tay rolled his eyes. “They were always washing me or turning me so I didn’t get bed sores. Sitting me up, lying me down, putting me in a wheelchair, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Sometimes I wanted to say ‘take me outside today’, or ‘leave me the fuck alone’, but I couldn’t. I lay there, scared, anxious and vulnerable, sometimes flailing or moaning, occasionally squeezing fingers, but I had no way of making myself understood. They put a pencil in my hand and put it to a pad of paper, and I thought I was writing, but I wasn’t.”
Ink stared at him unblinking.
“So now, even the thought of being touched can sometimes make me have a panic attack. I know it’s stupid. I have a voice now. I’m not helpless. I can tell people to stop, but I still overreact.”
