Page 54 of A Long Way Back
Tay sighed. “No, there’s a whole lot more. The main worry being that I can’t actually stomp off in a huff if this doesn’t go well.”
Ink smiled. “What makes you think it won’t go well?”
“Haven’t we spent long enough talking about this?”
Ink shook his head. No matter how much his head was telling him not to let this start, Tay was right. It had begun a long while ago. Though Tay didn’t know it, it had started even before they met each other. Maybe further back than that when Ink had dreamed of a moment like this and known a moment was all he could hope for.
“We’ve killed the spontaneity,” Tay whispered.
“But upped the sexual tension. It’s off the fucking scale.”
Tay laughed. “What else do we need to discuss?” He leant on his side, but still kept hold of Ink’s wrists.
“Whether it’s a good or bad idea,” Ink whispered.
“Why would it be bad?” Tay looked adorably bewildered.
“You admitted you might freak out.”
“I won’t.”
“Are you experimenting on me? Checking if you really are gay?”
“It doesn’t feel like it. I want… I just want.”
But even if it starts, it will end, and I’ll have to end it if you don’t.
It shouldn’t start because although I deserve to be happy, you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
This isn’t a good idea because I’m lying to you, and that’s not fair.
Ink felt choked by a torrent of emotions.Thiswas why he never let himself get involved. One kiss that wasn’t a kiss, just the faintest brush of lips, and his carefully constructed world had started to slide into the abyss.
“One thing I know for certain now,” Tay said. “I’m gay.” He sucked in a breath as if he’d shocked himself with the admission.
“You whispered that. Going to shout it?”
Tay smiled. “Not yet. But I know what I am. I’m not bi. Not straight. Not gay for you, if that’s even possible. Gay. And I want to kiss you. Except you’ve made me so fucking anxious, I think I’m going to mess it up.”
“I could give you marks out of ten, but—”
“I do not take criticism well. Anything less than a ten is going to destroy me.”
Ink chewed his lip. “Here’s my confession. I don’t have anyone to compare you to.”
Tay gaped at him. “What do…? Oh God. You’ve never…? How the…? Ink? What the fuck?”
He pulled free of Tay’s hold. “There’s a lot I can’t tell you about me. The things I’ve not done are as important as the things I have. In a way, more important. I have been with guys, but not many, and a few of those I only went with because they paid me.”
He watched Tay carefully. His expression didn’t change, but his Adam’s apple rose and fell. Ink wasn’t sure what reaction he’d expected. Disgust? Revulsion? Sadness? Understanding? Maybe Tay didn’t know how to react.
“Shit,” Tay whispered.
“Hunger and desperation convinced me to do stuff I’d have preferred not to. You’d be surprised what you can bring yourself to do when you’re homeless and hungry, and it’s a matter of survival… I wanted to live. I’m not infected or anything, in case you’re thinking about that. They used protection, but I still got tested. I’ve not been with anyone for over three months. I did go with a few guys out of choice, nothing to do with money, because…I wanted to be held for a while and pretend that I was important to someone, part of a guy’s life, inside his world and out of mine. But I’ve never kissed anyone and I never let them kiss me. I figured that was one thing I could keep for myself, wait until it was the right time.”
Ink let out a shaky breath. “I know that’s a lot to tell you when all we were going to do was kiss, but I just wanted you to know.”
“Is this the right time?”
