Page 47 of Reinventing Cato
Vigge huffed.
“Don’t tell me that you don’t think I’m absolutely fabulous.” Cato squeezed his fingers.
“Would I have driven you all those miles if I didn’t?”
“Not enough miles,” Cato said quietly.
“True.” Vigge took a deep breath. “But I drove them eventually. Tell me it’s not too late.”
“It’s not too late.” Cato paused. “Only half past nine. I don’t go to bed until ten.”
Chapter Eight
As they turned onto Selwyn Road, Vigge wished it had taken them longer to get there.
“This is mine.” His car was covered in frost. “I probably ought to be getting back.”
Cato let go of his hand. “Have you said what you came here to say?”
Not all of it, no.“I’m sorry. I don’t think I actually managed to say that to you in all the rambling.”
“I heard it in what you said. I get that you’re in a difficult position. Coming out is a personal thing. No-one can—”
“I had a brother,” Vigge blurted.
Cato widened his eyes and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Am I allowed to ask about your family now?”
“Yes.”
“So…had? You want to come inside and tell me about him?”
“No, I want to tell you right now.” Vigge took a deep breath. “I need you to understand why being out is a big deal for me.”
“Okay.”
“Anders died when he was fifteen. His body’s never been found, but… I just… I was seventeen. My mother was pushing me to ask someone to the Burns Night ceilidh. Fiona McKenzie was in my brother’s class. Some people thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were just friends. I knew she liked me, but I didn’t… Not in that way. That night when I was getting pressed to ask her… I thought… I’ve had enough. This is it. This is the perfect moment. Tell them now. So, in a really calm voice, I said if I was asking anyone to the dance, it wouldn’t be Fi McKenzie but a boy.”
He closed his eyes for a moment. “There was a huge row. A lot of yelling. Mum crying. My dad hit me in the mouth when I yelled back. I stormed out of the room with blood dripping down my chin and saw my brother and Fi in the hall. They… They looked at me in the same way my parents had just looked at me. As if I’d destroyed their world.
“Anders dashed out of the house after Fi. I was about to follow when my mother came into the hall. She stood in front of the door and told me to go to my room. More words were exchanged. But I went after Anders. I could have picked left or right. I chose the wrong way. I thought they’d head for Fiona’s house, but they didn’t.”
Vigge shuddered. This was the first time he’d told this story for many years.
“Fi drowned in the river on New Year’s Eve, most likely my brother did too.”
“Christ.” Cato put his hand on Vigge’s arm.
“I tortured myself for a long while trying to figure out what had happened. I couldn’t believe Fi would have wanted to kill herself, so had she slipped? And Anders went in after her? Whatever the truth, the outcome was the same. When my mother said she’d lost both her sons that night, I…”
Cato stepped in front of him. He wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. Vigge pressed his face into Cato’s hair and clung to him.
“When I’d said if I asked anyone, it would be a boy, I thought it was the bravest thing I’d ever done in my life and even though my dad hit me, I was still glad I’d said it, proud I’d had the courage to say it, only it turned out to be the worst mistake I could ever have made. I’m not trying to excuse the way I behaved in the motel, but I want you to understand why I’m messed-up about being gay. I mean, I know I’m gay. I like you. I don’t allow myself to like anyone because… But I like you.”
Cato pulled back, but still held onto him. “You need to forgive yourself.”
“I don’t think I ever can.”
“You need to try. You need to grab hold of that courage you had at seventeen and this time, not let go.” Cato took his hand again. “I understand now why you were so desperate to get away on New Year’s Day.”
