Page 14 of Reinventing Cato
“No, you’re not. Put me on speaker.”
Cato sighed, but did as Devan had asked.
“Hello, guy who’s driving my younger brother. He can be as annoying as hell, but I’d appreciate it, if you’re overcome with the urge to kill him and that might well happen sooner rather than later, please just dump him somewhere instead.”
“Not in a snow drift,” Cato said. “Preferably outside a McDonald’s.”
“Fine.” Vigge grunted the word.
“Call me tonight, Cato,” Devan said.
“Okay.” Cato ended the call.
“I thought after a Roman Catholic cremation, ashes had to be kept in a sacred place, not scattered,” Vigge said.
Bugger.That was all he needed. A clever dick.Actually…Cato snapped his mind back on track.Tell him the truth.“I’m PRC. Progressive Roman Catholic.”That’s not the truth!“I feel having my remains shot into the air is an opportunity to get close to God.”
“Because as a priest, you’re not actually going to make it through the pearly gates?”
“I don’t trust Saint Peter. Or crowing cocks. Treacherous bastards.”
Vigge laughed.
“Anyway, who says heaven is above us? I’d rocket towards the stars, then fall to earth and be reabsorbed back into the Earth. Part of the heavenly carbon cycle.”
“Or you’d land in someone’s drink. Or get shat on by a dog.”
Cato tipped back his head and laughed. “I’d still be part of the carbon cycle. I quite like the idea of my ashes being transformed into a diamond, but I don’t think any of my relatives would actually want the damn thing if I requested that.”
“Is that possible?”
Cato knew what he meant but… “My family like me, but imagine being complimented on a diamond ring and having to say,It’s my much beloved son, uncle, brother, partner…Cato The Wonderful.”
Vigge chuckled. “And the actual answer?”
“There’s a company in Switzerland that given about half a kilo of ashes can extract pure carbon elements and remove impurities, then under pressure, make a diamond that when polished, is physically and chemically identical to a natural diamond.”
“Wow. Though that doesn’t sound very eco-friendly.”
“The cremation itself produces an average of 243 kilograms of carbon dioxide, so that’s not good before they even do the diamond part. The best thing ecologically would be water cremation.”
“I’ve never heard of that.”
Cato glanced at him. “Want to hear about it? Or would you rather I was quiet so you can drive in peace?”
“Can you be quiet?”
“If you ask very, very nicely.”
“I actually would like to know about water cremation.”
“I hope you’re not thinking that you can just dump me in the snow and I’ll dissolve.”
“You mean you won’t?”
“Bad luck. Alkaline hydrolysis is the technical term. It uses one-seventh of the energy it takes for a cremation with fire, but though the Roman Catholic church has accepted fire as a means of body disposal, it won’t accept water.” Cato remembered reading that.
“The water method mimics the way a body naturally decomposes when buriedunder the ground. The process takes hours with wateras opposed to years without. The way it works is that the body’s put in a metal chamber witha mixture of water and potassium hydroxide, then heated under high pressure. A couple of hours later, the bones have been turned into a soft, white powder. Once the parts that don’t break down, like metal hips, are removed, the remaining liquid can be flushed into the sewage system.”
