Page 13 of Waiting for Ru
He’d been nervous about looking at any porn, thinking someone would know what he was doing, but once he’d got over that, he’d…gorged. But actually meeting someone and doing any of what he’d seen was another matter. Twenty years old and never been kissed. He gave a sad sigh. He was disappointed he’d not been able to be a normal teenager, to have the chance to enjoy being asked out, or do the asking. He wouldn’t have enjoyed getting dumped, but even so, he should have had that experience. He just wanted to be ordinary. Average. A guy who knew what he was. A guy with a job. A guy with a few friends. He didn’t want to live at home, searching for jobs he didn’t want, his only friend a crow. That wasn’t living.
Not hard to work out that he probably needed antidepressants, but he wasn’t registered with a doctor. His mother had pressed him to sign with the one she and his father used, but Ru had told her there was no point when he didn’t know where he’d end up living. He knew that had upset her, that after losing him once, she didn’t want to let him go, but this house was suffocating him. His parents’ expectations weighed heavily on his heart, nibbling away at his confidence. He was already too dependent on them.
If he wanted to study for GCSEs or A levels, he could do it online, but the courses were expensive and he’d need a laptop. It was possible to do exams on his own by getting hold of the exam board’s syllabus, buying the textbooks and old exam papers, paying an examination centre where he could sit them, but even taking the exams cost up to four hundred pounds per subject. Plus, to do it entirely alone, when he’d have no idea if he was tackling things in the right way, whether he was using the right technique to answer questions, was a huge risk. He’d have to do it all at night after a day’s work. There’d be no leisure time. Did he want that?
But did he want to wander off into the middle of nowhere with no job? He’d have no internet connection, no way to charge the laptop that he’d have to buy or the phone he didn’t want to give up, and he’d need to dosomepaid work in order to buy food and essentials. When he couldn’t even get a job delivering leaflets, what chance did he have of keeping himself alive? Thinking about it made his head hurt. It was like a storm in his body that never ended, churning his thoughts into a maelstrom.
Acute anxiety was the point he came to in his thought process every single time he let himself try to sort out his life. He’d had enough. Ru didn’t want to still be here in a year’s time, living at home, trying to figure out what he wanted.Hewas the one who had to make things change. In one mad moment, he googledgay guy selling his virginityto see if he could make a lot of money doing that, but maybe he wasn’t using the right search terms because he couldn’t find much that was helpful.
Would he really be prepared to sell himself? Maybe. Get two issues solved at the same time. Except he had no idea how to go about it. Going to see Ink and Tay and Dog would cheer him up, even though everything would crash back on top of him when he returned. So he wouldn’t return. He’d look for work in the north. But first, he wanted to see Cookie and Joni.And Jasim.Would Jasim let him go for a ride on them?
He perked up at the thought. Bela tapped on the window with her beak and Ru pushed to his feet and let her in. She flew over to the bed and settled on the pillow. Ru left the window open and lay down beside her.
“What do you think, Bela?” he whispered. “Shall we have an adventure?”
He stroked her back with his finger.
“Fly,” she cawed.
Ru left the next day. He was too much of a coward to speak directly to either of his parents, so he texted his father.
I need to go away for a while. Don’t try to phone me. I won’t answer.
He blocked all numbers they might possibly ring him from.
Bela is with me. I’m going to find a place of my own. I have money.
Not enough, but they didn’t need to know that.
Try not to worry about me.
Because he knew they would, particularly his mother.
I need to find my own way.
Ru x
He took off thexthen put it back.
Ru left with not much more than he’d brought with him. Some extra clothes and the study books he’d been working through. He’d changed his small backpack to a larger one, but not too large because he needed to carry Bela’s cage as well. He bought bottles of water, sandwiches, a small tent and a sleeping bag in Andover before he went to the station.
He’d not thought about the issue of the bike on the train but because it was outside the busy period, it was okay. They were more concerned about Bela, but eventually the two of them were allowed to board. Ru could have cycled, but he’d wanted to get away from town quickly to avoid the chance of being seen by his parents or someone they knew.
He covered Bela’s cage with his hoodie, but once the train was moving, he took it off and let her look out of the window. He wondered what she thought when she saw the land moving past so quickly when she was making no effort. Was that beyond her conception?
“We’re going to make a new life for ourselves, Bela,” he whispered. “But you have to be a good girl and not open the cage. Okay?”
She pressed her beak against his finger.
Google Maps showed him the way to Benning Park from Dorchester station. He cycled with the backpack on his shoulders and Bela’s cage secured to the back of it. Bela was flying free. He wore a cycle helmet, bought by his mother. Ru had never worn a riding helmet on the farm. But he could see the need for one. He had a sneaky suspicion Jasim wouldn’t let him ride Cookie or Joni without a helmet, but he’d cross that bridge when he came to it.
When he reached Benning Park, high wrought iron gates blocked his entry. Behind them stretched a long gravel drive lined with trees, the track veering left with no sign of a house. Either side of the gates, stone walls ran along the side of the road, too tall for Ru to see over the top. There was a box at the side of the gates with a button on it, so he wheeled his bike over and pressed it. Nothing happened so he pressed it again.
“Benning Park,” a woman’s voice snapped from the box, and Ru jumped.
“I’d like to speak to Jasim, please.” Ru didn’t want to attempt the surname and he wasn’t sure how to address a prince.
“He’s not here.”
