Page 55 of Waiting for Ru
9
RU STARED AT THE closed door, not moving, not breathing. Then his bones melted and he slid to the floor.Jesus, Mary and Joseph!What had he been thinking? Well, he hadn’t.Eejit, I’ve ruined everything.He needed to leave. Right now. Well, as soon as he could be sure his legs would support him. He’d go to Northumberland, forget he’d ever met Jasim. Probably not that last part but…
The horses were fine. Ru had no reason to be here any longer. Every reason to leave. Shame, embarrassment and humiliation warred for control.Why bother, guys? I feel all of them.I am so stupid.
Then the door opened and Ru scuttled backwards. “I’ll go, it’s okay. I’m sorry.” He curled up and wrapped his arms around his head.Don’t hit me!“Pretend that didn’t happen. Please. Please. Imagine I was fluthered.”
“What the hell is fluthered?”
“Drunk. Not that I’ve ever been drunk. I—”
“Shush.” Jasim bent down beside him and Ru stiffened.
To his surprise, Jasim picked him up, carried him to the bed and pulled the covers over him. Ru kept his eyes squeezed tight shut, his arms wrapped around his head.
“It’s the concussion,” Ru blurted. “I’m not thinking straight. I should have thought of that first. And I shouldn’t have even said that because it—”
“Look at me.”
Ru groaned. “No.”
“Do as you’re told, Ru.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Do. As. You’re. Told.”
He lowered his arms and opened his eyes, the need to obey too strong to fight.
“You have no idea how often I’ve imagined kissing you.” Jasim stared straight at him.
Ru’s mouth lost all moisture. He knew his jaw had dropped but he couldn’t close his mouth. Even if he’d known what to say, he couldn’t have spoken. But he could think it.Do it. Kiss me. Right now. Please.The idea of their mouths pressing together lit a fuse of exhilaration that fizzed through his body as if he’d been wired up to an electric socket.
“I walked out because it was the right thing to do.”
Disappointment flooded in. “So why did you come back?”
“Because you’ve turned out to be braver than me. It didn’t seem fair to reward that bravery with no response.”
“Youdidrespond. You walked out.”
“I shouldn’t have done. I don’t want you to feel hurt or embarrassed.”
When Jasim had walked out a few moments ago and the door had closed, Ru felt as if he’d been slammed into a coffin and the lid nailed shut. Now the coffin was open again. Death to rebirth. The demise of hope to the possibility of joy.
Then he reminded himself what Jasim had said. He’d walked out because he thought it was the right thing to do, so maybe there could be no joy. All that had followed was a kindness.
“Why did you kiss me?” Jasim sat on the edge of the bed.
Was this Ru’s chance to put things right? “Because…you were kind to me… You held my hand. You let me lean on you. I kissed you because I wanted to…because you’ve made me happy and you’ve no idea how much I’ve longed to be happy. Your face… Sometimes you looked at me and… I’ve never kissed anyone… No one has ever kissed me. And I wanted to kiss you. Except I drove you away. And I can see that it wasn’t a good idea to just go for it and yet it’s the best idea I’ve ever had. I’m sorry and I’m not sorry at the same time.”Did any of that make sense?
“Is that all?”
“No. There’s more.” Because this might be his only chance, Ru dragged his courage up from some dark place inside him where it was currently cowering, and took a deep breath. “I feel like one of those desert plants that dries up and looks dead for years and then when it rains, it comes back to life. I’ve been on my own for so long. My aunt and uncle were around, but I had no interaction with anyone else for almost twelve years. When I finally left the farm, I felt adrift. So much I didn’t know and needed to know.
“I thought everything would be fine once I was free, but it wasn’t. I had to keep telling people what had happened to me, I applied for job after job though I wanted none of them. Without qualifications, my options are limited. I had to go back to Ireland to see the Garda and to make sure Cookie and Joni were all right only to find they were being sold. Then I met you. And you were so kind. For no reason. You’re still kind, and I wanted to touch you. I wanted to pull my fingers through your hair and drag my lips across yours while looking into your eyes. I wanted all that and I didn’t even know if you were gay, or even if I was gay, and I know that makes me stupid. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
He sucked in air. Jasim’s eyes had darkened and he stared at Ru without blinking.I’ve said too much.Even though there was a relief in having said it, in telling Jasim how he felt, Ru couldn’t look at him anymore, couldn’t bear not seeing what he felt reciprocated, the idea that Jasim would look at him and see a naïve boy.Which is what I am.He closed his eyes. He hoped for a kiss. Hoped and hoped. But the mattress moved as Jasim stood up and a moment later, Ru heard the door open, then close.
