Page 115 of Inbetweeners
“Oh.”
“Surprised?”
Emmett nodded. “Why did you stop?”
“The guy I was working for decided he’d had enough of long cold days. I decided I had too.”
“How many lives have you saved?”
Phoenix gave him a sharp look. “A few.”
“Enough?”
“No. The Thames is a dangerous river, more dangerous than it looks. Thirty or forty people drown in it every year. Sometimes we got there too late. We couldn’t save everyone.”
“Not enough to make up for what happened when you were a boy?”
Phoenix picked up his glass and drained his wine. “Amateur psychologist? Because you knowsomuch about people.”
“You know I don’t, but I do know about shitty childhoods and bad parenting and the damage that does, and how it never goes away. You were trying to put things right.”
“Maybe I was. But I wasted my time, didn’t I? Saving a few people and several dogs from drowning in the Thames didn’t stop me going to Hell. Not that I fucking believed in Hell.”
“You shouldn’t be there. It was the wrong decision. You acted out of self-defence, and then out of compassion. You paid for what you did. No one gets over something like that without being damaged. And yet here am I, someone who’s done nothing worthwhile in my life, not saved anyone, never loved anyone enough, bored the shit out of my friends, if they were ever my friends, someone who didn’t want to remember anything of my thirty-four-year existence, gets rewarded with Heaven when I’d have been content with oblivion.”
“I shouldn’t have killed my mother,” Phoenix said quietly. “She might have lived. They said she might have survived.”
“Who said that? Who the fuck would tell a traumatised ten-year-old that? From what you told me, there was no hope of life.”
“I’m not God. It wasn’t my call.”
Emmett reached out and grabbed Phoenix’s hand. “You were a little kid. You acted out of love. You’re not a bad guy.”
Phoenix pulled his fingers free and put his hands out of reach. “The night I died, I killed someone else. An accident, but it was my car…”
Emmett widened his eyes.Oh God, what is he going to say?
“I looked it up,” Phoenix said. “I thought you might have. Did you?”
“No. Not about you, nor about me.”
“I’ll save you the trouble. We were in the same crash. My car hit yours and I killed you. For what it's worth, I’m sorry.”
What the fuck?For a moment, Emmett didn't react. He was shocked and yet somehow it made sense of them being here together.
“Are you going to say anything?” Phoenix asked.
Speech was beyond Emmett, but he reached under the table for Phoenix’s hand, found it and gripped it tightly.
“Can you remember what happened now?” Phoenix asked.
“No. But it was an accident. You didn’t do it deliberately. I’d never believe that.”
Phoenix squeezed his fingers.
“How long have you known?” Emmett asked.
“I found out a couple of hours ago, while you were sleeping.”
