Page 32 of Inbetweeners
“No,” Emmett said as Phoenix said, “Not yet.”
“Can I watch when you do? God, I’ve missed Pornhub.” Harry gabbled away happily for several minutes about his favourite porn stars while Emmett and Phoenix exchanged glances.
When Phoenix stopped at the lights, he flicked open the glove box and handed Emmett his phone and wallet.
“You dick,” Emmett spat.
“I completely forgot I lifted them while I was getting ready to give you CPR. I thought, at last, my lips on his, but when someone pointed out you only had half a head, I decided it might look a bit weird if I tried to kiss you back to life. So, I just thumped your chest a few times.”
Emmett tapped the address into the satnav.
“How long have you been dead, Harry?” Phoenix asked.
“Thirty-two hours. With no Pornhub. Can you imagine? I don’t know how I’ve coped. Is there a subscription service where you’re from?”
“Not that I know of,” Emmett said.
“Active participation in mine,” Phoenix said. “More than you can cope with mostly.”
“I’m putting two and two together,” Harry whispered. “Except I don’t think I want to make four.”
“Get out the car, then.” Phoenix shrugged.
“Not while it’s moving,” Emmett said.
Phoenix laughed. “Like it’s going to make a difference.”
“You’re from Hell?” Harry asked.
“Yes,” Phoenix said.
“So, you’re a demon.”
“Yes.”
“Wow. What’s hell like?”
“Painful. More or less constant pain. Those who aren’t scared shitless, are angry and they take that anger out on anyone they can get hold of. It’s dark and it’s hot and it’s hard to breathe, and you’re lucky if you go mad and stop remembering all the things that once made you human, lucky if you stop noticing all the things that Hell is famous for, the many ways to cause torment. Down there, being crazy is a plus.”
“I’m freaking out a bit here,” Harry said quietly.
Emmett opened his mouth to tell Phoenix to tone it down, but changed his mind.
“Hard to imagine the horrors of Hell. But try, then triple it, quadruple it, times it by a hundred, and maybe you’ll get close. And we know why we’re there and we know there is nothing we can do about it except endure. And God seems to take pleasure in making us endure. So much for being magnanimous and forgiving, right? Angels exist and so do demons. God does love an audience for his work, even one where a bunch of those watching hate him. Perpetual torment is his reward for mistakes you made when you were…”
Emmett wondered what he’d been going to say. He wanted to ask Phoenix how he’d died and why he’d ended up in hell. He might be aggravating, and a thief but he didn’t seem a bad person. Though Emmett imagined it was like being put in a prison cell with a stranger, you sort of inherently knew that asking what they’d done might not be a good idea. He hoped Phoenix might just tell him. Or Harry would press him.
Harry went quiet.
For a moment. “So… I don’t want to go to hell. Obviously,” Harry said.
“Unless you did something very bad, then you won’t.” Emmett turned to look at him.
“Define very bad.” Harry blinked at him. “Like putting a drawing pin on Mrs Trinity’s chair? Nicking a Mars bar when I was six? Doing…stuff in order to eat?”
“We don’t sit in judgement,” Emmett said. “What might be seen a crime by one person could be viewed as self-defence by another. In the end, we’re all judged by the angels. Staying here isn’t a good idea.”
“Why not?”
