Page 41 of Inbetweeners
“You wished it to be dull?”
Emmett glared. “Yes. I thought the duller, the better. Of course, I didn’t wish it to be dull. I didn’t wish it to be anything. Maybe that was where I went wrong. In not wishing it to be something in particular, I condemned myself to a succession of empty, pointless days.”
“Then you’re even more of an idiot than I thought.”
“Oh, you are such a fucking wanker!”
“Didn’t they give you long to think about what you wanted? Couldn’t you have just decided on something later? If I’d been there, I’d have wished to be on a yacht out on the ocean. Blue skies overhead with big fluffy clouds, just enough wind to make sailing fun. I’d anchor up in a different spot every night—in a cove with a deserted beach or the harbour of a small town with a choice of cafés. And for my crew, I’d have a tall blond with tattoos, piercings, plenty of muscles and a big cock, and he’d be a fucking brilliant cook too. Of course, ingredients would have to appear out of nowhere, but anything can happen in Heaven, right? Did you have a failure of imagination? What the fuck did you spend your time doing? Flower arranging?”
Emmett flinched. “Shut up.”
“Youwereflower arranging.” Nix laughed.
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Do I have this right? When you got to Heaven with no memories, you didn’t know what you wanted to do or who you wanted with you. Without your past, do you even exist?”
“And you’re proud of your past, are you? One that got you sent to Hell?”
“No, I’m not proud of it, but at least I know what I fucking did.”
Emmett turned away from him.
Nix felt he’d won that point. Emmettshouldhave kept his memories. Memories made you who you were. Emmett evidently didn’t like who he was, but at least he might have understood why, if he’d been able to remember.
“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Nix said, “but I’m guessing that if Tricia married again, and she and her second husband ended up in Heaven, a different version of Tricia would be with Malcolm inhisHeaven. How else could it work if everyone is supposed to be happy there? There’s probably some squadron of angels with huge flow charts making sure each person has the life they want, including every dead person in it that they want. Except what if one of those is in Hell? How does that work? Because Heaven wouldn’t be Heaven for that person if someone they loved was in Hell, would it? Even if that person was bad.”
Emmett didn’t answer.
“For example…if you and your brother went to Heaven, though he hated your guts, but you loved him, what would happen then?”
“Why do you think I have the answers? I guess you’d be able to interact with him in your Heaven, but wouldn’t be with him in his. Though both brothers would probably have to go for counselling until they reconciled their differences. They’re big on harmony up there.”
“You’re making it up.”
“Well, yes, apart from being big on harmony. Did the wordsI guessnot give you a clue? I don’t know how Heaven works. I only know what it was like for me.”
“What fucking use is that when you’re trying to persuade people how wonderful Heaven is?”
Emmett bristled. “I’m not trying to do that. I just said what Malcolm needed to hear.”
“And I’m supposed to tell those who are destined for Hell, that all they have to look forward to is misery?”
Emmett turned back to face him. “No. We’re not here to judge, remember? You tell them they’ll get the future they deserve and don’t go into any details. You freaked Harry out.”
Nix sat up. “I’m not telling them that they get the Hell they deserve. Maybe some do, but a lot don’t.”
“You’re the judge of that, are you? You know all the details of everyone’s crimes down there? How do you know they told you the truth?”
They most likely didn’t, but that wasn’t the point. “Why do I even bother talking to you? You…sanctimonious dickhead.”
“If you don’t want to talk to me, then don’t. I’m used to people not talking to me.”
“What a surprise. You’re obviously as aggravating in Heaven as you are down here.”
“Oh, shut the fuck up. I didn’t ask for any of this. I don’t know why they picked me for this job or why they partnered me with someone like you. I’m just trying to complete the task we’ve been given, despite you being an irritating arsehole.”
Nix knew he was poking a cobra, but he couldn’t help himself. “You still fancy me though, right?”
