Page 65 of Inbetweeners
“Shit.”
“I used to dream that they’d die. I used to imagine coming home from school and finding the house burnt down with them in it. I used to wish for a meteorite to land on them. I’m shocked I got into Heaven considering how much I wanted them dead. Only Heaven isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, so maybe it’s a kind of Hell for me. That’s my punishment.”
He exhaled shakily. “I really hope I’m right about the way things work, and I’m not suddenly going to find myself back with my parents when they die, though I can’t think they’d wish for me to be with them.”
“Why did they hate you so much?”
“I don’t think they wanted children. They were very young when they had me, still at school. My mother had dreams and I ruined them. She told me as much, time and time again. I’d just be sitting there, playing with my toys and she’d come up and sneer some unkind comment at me.I couldn’t be what I wanted to be because of you. I wish I could have got rid of you.Not up for any mother-of-the-year awards. My father went to university but he’d married her because her father was a reverend.Did the right thing.”Emmett gave a short laugh.
“We lived with her parents and they looked after me while she went to college. My grandparents weren’t neglectful, just utterly caught up in the church. My father only came back at the end of term. My mother used to go and stay with him most weekends and leave me with my grandparents.
“I remember more than I want to about those early years. The giving of the basic necessities but the lack of care. I wasn’t picked up when I cried. They turned music on to drown out the noise. I was told I’d messed up everyone’s life. All the things my mother and my father used to like doing, they could no longer do. You might wonder why they went on to have two more children if they disliked me so much, but I think once I’d done the damage, and my father was out of uni and in a good job, they slid into suburban life. Their friends had a couple of kids, so my parents went one better. And my brother and sister learned how to make them happy. Learned from my mistakes. I don’t resent them. I wasn’t even jealous.
“I haven’t told you the best part. My mother was never the stay-at-home type. She was a social worker, then later became a lecturer in social care. She singlehandedly raised over three million pounds for the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. She ran tennis tournaments to raise money for a variety of worthy causes. My father is a hedge fund manager and a lay preacher. Out to make as much money as possible for himself in his day job, but on Sundays telling everyone else to be charitable and generous. Church was compulsory. Sometimes we had to go twice. I always felt his sermons were directed at me. I thought I must have done something really awful when I was young to make them hate me, but I couldn’t figure out what that might be.”
“How did they react to you coming out as gay?”
Emmett turned to look at him. The first time he’d met Nix’s gaze since he’d started talking.
“Of what interest is that to us?” Emmett mimicked his mother’s voice. His mouth curved in a half-smile. “The irony! I suppose I should be grateful for their lack of interest. I thought I was handing them another weapon, and I was, but it was only one of indifference. Everything improved once I left home at eighteen. It was like stepping into sunshine after a life spent hiding in the shadows. I avoided going back to Caterham, and when I did, either their disapproval and scorn were less powerful, or maybe I was just better able to cope. Their indifference had rubbed off on me.”
He gave a heavy sigh. “Now I know what I wish I didn’t know. You can see why I didn’t want those memories, but I have them again. A reminder of how useless I am.”
“What? Are you fucking stupid?” Nix reared up and glared at him.
“Yes. I am. So what?”
“You were dealt a shitty hand. Tough. Get over it.”
Emmett glared. “I’m so sorry. Forgive me for opening my mouth and telling you anything. I should have known better than to expect sympathy.”
“I am sympathetic, but fucking hell, Emmett, get over it.”
“I had. I’d forgotten it. I quite sensibly realised when offered the choice, that if I hadn’t chosen to not remember, I’d have spent my time going over and over everything that had happened trying to work out why they were such shits, particularly to me, while I wallowed in misery, wondering what I could have done differently, and if there was any way I could have changed things. I chose the better path.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“What would have been the point of remembering a miserable childhood?”
“Because you’d have understood you needed to let this fucking go. You’re not a kid anymore. Your parents were shitty, they really were, fuck knows why because what you’ve said doesn’t seem enough, and you didn’t deserve that, but you’re a grown man. Don’t let what happened ruin your life.”
“What fucking life?”
“Oh yeah, ruin yourexistencethen in yourdullHeaven. Just count yourself fortunate that you’re not having to suck some demon’s dick while another rams his sharp corkscrew of a cock into your arse, while you’re giving another fucker a hand job at the same time. And if you piss them off, they’re quite capable of ripping you apart, just for the fun of it. By the next day, you’ll be back together, maybe not quite back to normal, but normal enough for them to do it all over again. I think memories of bad parents are worth putting up with rather than enduring Hell.”
“You are such an arsehole.”
But this time Emmett didn’t sound as if he meant it. “And you’re not?”
Emmett stared up at him, his mouth a tight line and Nix sucked in a breath.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Emmett muttered.
“I’m torn between strangling you and kissing you.”
Emmett’s throat worked and Nix’s cock went the rest of the way to hard.
“I told you I cleaned my teeth three times, right?”
