Page 6 of Inbetweeners
“Of course, the job you’ll be doing will, in reality, be for Hell. You’re going to be told to persuade the dead to accept that they’re dead and start the journey to… Heaven…” He almost choked on the word. “Or here to Hell. Don’t do that job well, but do it in a way that makes it appear as if you’re striving to succeed.”
Nix didn’t understand. He wasn’t sure if he ought to admit that or not. “How?”
“You’re a demon,” Erlik glowered. “Use your initiative.”
“But—”
“Do as we tell you!” Xaphan shouted.
But you haven’t fucking told me how I’m supposed to do this.He didn’t want to do anything that fucked up the world. Though having the dead hanging around didn’t sound like a good thing.
“Is this a collaboration with Heaven?” Nix sort of regretted the question the moment it had slipped out. “I mean, why do you want to do anything to help people get to Heaven?”
“Are you deaf?” Erlik snarled. “You were just told you’re working for Hell not Paranormal Resolutions.”
This didn’t sound good and it didn’t make sense. “Why should I?”
Oh fuck!That was definitely a question that should have remained in his head.
“You don’t want to go back?” Xaphan gaped at him.
“He needs an incentive.” Erlik grinned. Not a nice grin.“Bring us something extraordinary back with you and your reward will be significant.”
“Like a bottle of whisky? A tin of Quality Street? Won’t they melt? Are you going to fight over the purple ones? Everyone does.”
“What are they?” Erlik asked.
Nix sighed. A wasted bit of humour.
“Do the job badly for PR, little demon,” Xaphan said, “and your reward will be a proper place to live down here. You’ll be left alone, have books, good food, a bath once a month, a companion of your choice.”
Nix’s heart beat even faster.
“Though if you bring us an angel, you can have whatever you want that’s within our capacity to give you,” Erlik said.
An angel? How the fuck could he do that? “Why do you want an angel?”
Erlik gave a heavy sigh. “And to think we thought you were the right choice.”
“I am,” Nix said quickly.
A crack opened up in the rock wall behind the two demons.
“Off you go.” Xaphan gestured at the gap. “There’s a bag of clothes at the top. Take a light with you.”
Nix picked a firebrand out of its holder. He worried that the crack would close before he reached it or crush him as he moved through, but he eased himself between the slabs of rock and the gap sealed behind him.
He had time for one breath and a thought ofoh my fucking God, I’m outbefore something rushed at him and he hit the floor. Nix tried to get up, but it felt as if he’d been submerged in viscous liquid, a tar-like substance pinning him down, forcing its way into his body, seeping into every orifice, his nose, his mouth, his ears, suffocating him, wrapping around his bones and muscles, surging down every artery and vein.What the hell kind of torture is…?
Nix gasped as he came round. He took deep gulps of the fetid air, relieved he could breathe again. What’d happened? He’d just thought how relieved he was to actually be out of hell and bam!Had he passed out with shock? Been struck by a blast of wind? He’d never felt the slightest breeze in hell. A change in pressure? His soul being forced back into his body? That sort of made sense. Or maybe he’d been hit by a fist.
Though he didn’t feel as if he’d been hit. His jaw didn’t ache, nor did anywhere else. The firebrand lay on the dirt, still burning, and he picked it up. He moved the light from side to side to see he was lying on a wide rocky shelf with a drop on one side and a rock wall on the other.
Even then, he was having trouble believing. Was someone going to jump out and laugh at him for being a gullible fool? Was he going to start climbing, only to be yanked back? He thought about staying where he was, but that decision didn’t last long. He was somewhere different and he was on his own. He pushed to his feet, faced the rock and began to haul himself up. When he needed both hands, he put the end of the firebrand between his teeth. It didn’t give as much light as he’d have liked, but if he lost it, he’d be climbing blind. At least with some illumination, he could see the easiest route to take.
He went up and up and up. If they wanted him to do a job for them, and he was uber-suspicious about that, why did they have to make it so fucking difficult to get to the surface? Not that he was going to stop, even to have a rest.
The idea that this could be some massive con kept sliding into his mind. The sort of mean trick they played all the time, particularly on the newbies, those who protested Hell wasn’t where they were supposed to be.I didn’t do it. It’s a mistake. I’m not a bad person. Who can I talk to?There was always someone whining, just as there was always some arsehole of a demon who’d listen to them plead, nod in a sympathetic way, then sayYou’re right. An error’s been made. You should be in Heaven.They said it just convincingly enough that the poor soul believed them. Only for that moment of joy to be ripped away by the demon’s maniacal laughter.The fucking fucktards.
