Page 88 of Tell No One
“Just having an issue with my left ventricle.”
Delaney raised his eyebrows. “What?”
“Emotional stress can make the left ventricle go into shock and it gives you heart attack-like symptoms.” Tag had looked it up when he’d worried he was dying.
“So you miss him?”
“No. I miss being wanted.”Oh fuck, my chest.“Though I should be careful what I wish for. We did a lot together before you even took me to a pub. I’ve been your pony. We’ve disposed of dead bodies. Cleaned up blood. Gone for runs. Had a driving experience. Played hide-and-seek on a Welsh hillside. You really know how to show a guy a good time.”
Delaney chuckled as he dried up. “You’ve only had one boyfriend?”
“I thought you’d missed that.”
“I don’t miss anything. Come and sit down.” Delaney took hold of his hand and pulled him over to the couch and Tag was happy until Delaney let him go.
Tag brought his legs up and hugged them. “Were you happy when you were a kid?”
“I wasn’t unhappy. Lonely sometimes. It was just me and my dad, or nannies and babysitters, then boarding school. I liked being with my dad when I had the chance. We explored places together. Looked for ancient ruins in Greece. Sailed in Croatia. We had fun.”
“Is he dead?”
“Yes. He died when I was eighteen.”
“No mum?”
“She died when I was three.”
“I wish mine had.” Tag pressed his chin into his knees.
Delaney didn’t say anything.
“She was an alcoholic. Had kids by three different men. We had a lot of other dads that came and went. A couple of them weren’t bad.”
“What happened?”
Tag rubbed his face on his knees. “It’s hard for me to talk about. You’ll be the first person I’ve told since I came out. I was told not to tell anyone. I didn’t talk about it after I was locked up, either. They tried to make me and I wouldn’t. You’re supposed to talk to your personal officer to help you come to terms with what you’ve done. That wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t that I was trying to forget it. You don’t forget something like that, but I thought I could make it not part of my life if I didn’t talk about it, if I pretended to be someone different.”
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “It doesn’t work like that.”
Tag couldn’t look at Delaney. He took a deep breath. “I was put in the YOI for killing my sixteen-month-old baby sister Louise.” He swallowed hard but that lump in his throat wasn’t going to shift. It was always there, it just felt smaller some days than others.
“I was fourteen. My brother Owain was sixteen. Sallyanne was six. Mum and Graham were out. Graham was Louise and Sallyanne’s father. My brother went out with his mates not long after Mum and Graham left. It was just me, Sallyanne and Louise in the house. Louise was crying before they went and she carried on after they’d gone. She went on and on. I picked her up and she still cried. I changed her nappy, gave her a bottle and still she cried.”
Tag shuddered. He didn’t like thinking back. “I was trying to do my homework and I couldn’t concentrate. I went to my mum’s room and sang to her in her cot. Her face was really red. I sat in my room wondering if I dare leave Sallyanne with Louise while I went to the pub to find Mum. I’d decided I should take them both with me.
“Then Louise stopped crying and my first thought wasthank God for that.Only I… I just had this feeling. I went back and Sallyanne was holding her tight against her chest. She wasn’t supposed to pick her up out of her cot but somehow, she’d managed it. I took her from Sallyanne’s arms and Sallyanne was smiling and sayingshe’s quiet for you nowand I knew she’d done something…”
He gave a choked sob. “I put Louise on the carpet and gave her CPR. I breathed into her mouth and pressed on her chest and I kept going and going. I didn’t have a phone to call for help, but I knew it was too late. So I just sat on the floor with her in my arms and cuddled her and I was the one crying then. Owain came back, and Sallyanne said I’d made Louise not wake up. Everything went wrong from that point. The world just fell to pieces.”
Tag dropped his feet to the floor and leaned back on the couch. “Owain went to get mum from the pub. Mum went crazy, screaming and crying, and when I told them what Sallyanne had done, Graham hit me. Knocked me over and I cut my head on the door handle. I don’t know why Sallyanne said it, but they believed a six-year-old over me. Graham hauled me into the kitchen and told me that he wasn’t going to lose his other daughter as well, that I had to take responsibility because I was the one in charge.”
Delaney sighed. Tag didn’t even glance at him.
“Later, I thought no one would have put a six year old in prison but then, I was too shocked to think straight. I don’t know if deep down he believed me or Sallyanne. He just wanted it to be me and everyone went along with it. Louise had been suffocated. Her arm had been broken. There were signs of other injuries, older ones. Her ribs were broken—I did that trying to make her heart beat again. But I didn’t do any of the rest.”
He could feel a muscle twitching in his cheek. “I told the truth to the police and to the solicitor they appointed. Then I didn’t say anything else. There was no point. Everyone had decided I’d done it. Sallyanne had said I used to hit her and Louise. I’d never hit anyone in that house. I was the one who’d looked after Sallyanne and Louise when my mum and Graham were pissed out of their skulls. No one spoke up for me. Not even Owain. That was hard. I couldn’t forgive him for that.
“There was a trial because I wouldn’t plead guilty. I was criticised by everyone for making my family go through that. The judge let my name be published but everyone knew it anyway. My solicitor tried to persuade me I’d get a lesser sentence if I admitted what I’d done and showed remorse. I knew I was going to be found guilty before the verdict was announced. Manslaughter, not murder, but it made no difference.”
