Page 140 of Fe
“I don’t know. There’s a lot I don’t think I believe in, heaven and hell and stuff, but I also know we can’t be sure of anything. It felt like I was doing the right thing and that means a lot to me. I have a father who didn’t do the right thing, and that’s made it even more important that I should try hard to be a good person. You made me happy and I wanted to pass it on. Even if Alejandro couldn’t hear me, I wanted to say it.”
Ripley squeezed his fingers but let go as the lift doors opened. They headed for his car, which looked intact. Ripley didn’t say anything else until they were sitting inside it.
“When your mother called me, I was scared,” Ripley said quietly.
He felt Fen’s hand settle over his and Ripley clasped his fingers.
“I thought—what if I couldn’t find you? I had no idea where you could be and it was my fault you’d left. And you’re right. I pushed you away because I was pretty sure I’d be a mess today and tomorrow. Now instead of being a mess over Alejandro, I’m a mess over you.” Ripley’s throat felt blocked. “I thought I’d packed my stiff-upper lip but it appears I’ve mislaid it.”
“It’s okay to hurt about someone you loved. You miss him. Why wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t want to keep hurting.”
“Well, that’s up to you.”
Ripley pulled him in close and kissed him, and was rewarded by Fen’s gentle sigh. Would a day come when he didn’t want to kiss Fen, hear that sigh? He couldn’t conceive of that ever being the case, and yet the few brain cells not overwhelmed by desire reminded him almost all relationships started out like this, even the one with Alejandro.
“Stop thinking,” Fen mumbled into Ripley’s neck.
“I wish I could stop thinking about you.”
Fen screwed his eyes up tight. He didn’t think Ripley had meant to hurt him with that comment, but he had. He waited a moment until he was sure he could control his emotions, then pulled away and put on his seatbelt.
“I know you only came for the Crunchy Nut cornflakes. Don’t expect me to share them.”
Ripley chuckled. “We better go shopping. Do you want me to drop you off or do you want to come with me?”
“I’ll come with you.”
Ripley set off. “Or instead of buying food, we could go away somewhere. Not all hotels will be booked up.”
“I like your house and the mini swimming pool. I like lounging on the couch with you warming my toes. I like the Christmas tree you decorated.”
Do I sound normal? Not hurt? Not fretting that you don’t want to think about me when you are all I think about?
“Do you like me?” Fen blurted.
Ripley shot him a glance. “Where did that come from?”
“Because I like you.” It was all or nothing now. Fen had to be honest. The end date was still in his head, but he wasn’t sure he could keep going if Ripley didn’t like him enough.
“Yes, I like you, Fen. More than I should. I like waking up in the morning and seeing you sleeping next to me. I like the little sigh that escapes from some place deep inside you when we kiss, the cute noise you make when you come. I like your tattoos. I like what they say about you. I like to touch you, feel your skin under my fingers, your cheekbones, your hair. You make me laugh. No one has ever made me laugh like you do. You know my secrets and I know yours. You’re more than I expected, more than I deserve, and that scares me.”
Fen’s heart had lightened. “Can’t help but notice you didn’t say I was fantastic in bed.”
“If I think about you in bed, I’ll struggle to concentrate on driving and if we’re stopped, I’m not sure how I’ll explain the state of my cock.”
“If we weren’t driving through London, I’d give you a blow job.”
“Don’t tell me that.” Ripley groaned.
Fen felt better now about what Ripley had said about wanting to stop thinking about him. He’d taken Ripley’s words the wrong way. They were good for each other. And things could be even better.
As Ripley pulled into a space in Waitrose car park, Fen had a call.
“It’s my mum,” he told Ripley.
“I’ve got to collect a couple of parcels from a locker. I’ll be back in a minute.”
