Page 25 of Fe
In the meantime, he’d been prescribed a different corticosteroid. Something else to get used to. He hated taking steroids because they increased his appetite and if he ate more and couldn’t exercise, he’d put weight on. He’d trained himself to eat less but sometimes he felt if there had been a box of chocolates next to him, he could have worked his way through the lot.
Fen tried to cling to a few of the doctor’s words—still very mild, don’t worry. And to the man’s smile. Though Fen had found it difficult to be reassured.
But what could he do, other than what he was already doing, which was leading the best life he could? Not eating too much dairy produce, not drinking too much alcohol, keeping mobile without overdoing it, not devouring boxes of chocolates… He wasn’t going to live until he was seventy-nine like the average man in the UK. But then he wasn’t average in any way. Maybe he had to take chances now his heart had started to… He sucked in a shaky breath. He could go backpacking around Europe, download Grindr, go to Japan, be different.As if I’m going to do any of that. Especially on my own.
By the time he walked into the workroom, he was almost back to his cheerful self. Pragmatism had won the day. If he had a problem with his heart, then he had a problem. There was no point getting upset about it. He had the exhibition at the Tate to look forward to tonight, and whether Ripley was there or not, Fen was going to enjoy himself.
But he was going to think about the future, no matter how painful it was because there had to be more to life than this.
8
Ripley was relying on Fen’s interest in Japanese ceramics to pull him to the Tate, but the way they’d parted might have scuppered any second chances. Maybe Fen wouldn’t even turn up. He accepted a glass of champagne and wandered round, looking for him. When Ripley finally spotted him, his heart leapt. Fen was wearing skinny jeans and a dark-blue sweater, and was deep in conversation with a young Japanese man. The pair were chuckling and Ripley was shocked by the surge of…What?Whatever it was, it hit him like a punch in the gut.
He walked over clutching his champagne flute—the stem would snap if he squeezed it any harder—and waited for Fen to notice him. Fen turned his head while Ripley was still heading towards him. How had he even sensed his approach? Fen’s smile came more slowly than he’d hoped for.So I’m not forgiven.Fen said something to the guy he was with, then moved forwards with a broader smile on his face, and for that moment at least, all was well in Ripley’s world.
Ripley took a risk. “What on earth are you doing here?”
Fen laughed.
Am I forgiven for being a dick? For not having contacted you? For not having given you the invite in person?
“I had worked out it must have been you. Thank you.”
“Who were you talking to?”
“Jiro Furukawa. He’s from the Toguri Museum of Art in Tokyo. They lent some of the pieces on display. The exhibition is fabulous. Thank you so much for the invite.”
“I’m sorry.” Ripley was amazed he got the words out.
“For what?”
“Well… I…er…”
Fen waited and Ripley tried to pull himself together. This wasnothim. He was confident, self-assured, always knew what to say. But Fen…stole the words from his head.
Fen frowned. “If you don’t know why you’re sorry, I’m not sure there’s any point in continuing this conversation.”
“The kiss…” Ripley mumbled. Henevermumbled.Bloody hell.
“What about it? Why are you sorry for the kiss? What was wrong with it?” Fen looked stricken. “I thought…”
“Nothing was wrong with the kiss.”
“So there’s something wrong with me.” Fen’s voice had dropped along with his shoulders.
“No. I should have explained.”
“Yeah, well, after you pulled away from the kiss and left your driver to take me home, I sort of assumed it was the last time I’d see you. Hard to ignore your rejection followed on from me telling you about my muscular dystrophy, which you really can’t catch, by the way. I’d have thought you’d have known that.”
“Of course I do. It wasn’t that!” Ripley wondered when he’d ever messed up this badly. “Fuck it, Fen! It wasn’t that! My place was closer, the only reason Harry went there first. I…” He took a deep breath.
Well, at least Fen was still standing there listening.
“I looked up Becker muscular dystrophy. I wanted to know exactly what it was, to understand what you were going through and if there was anything I could do to help. I saw there was a trial with some new treatment. Are you eligible for that?”
Fen gave a quiet sigh. “I have my name down. So why did you pull away?”
“Things are complicated. Not things. Me. I’m complicated.”
