Page 91 of Fe
Fen watched Ripley walk away and mentally groaned. That hadnotgone well. He wished he’d kept his mouth shut, not asked him about Christmas, or mentioned Alejandro, but it was too late now. Neither of them had touched their scones. Fen’s appetite had gone. When the waitress wasn’t around to notice, he slipped away and headed down one of the rows of stalls.
He’d give Ripley the time and space he needed. Ripley had said it had been two years since he’d gone out with anyone so Alejandro must have died then. Did that explain why Ripley didn’t want a relationship that lasted more than six months? Because he was afraid of becoming too involved, losing someone again and getting hurt? But he didn’t seem the type to be so knocked back, sad as it was. Alejandro wouldn’t want him to be unhappy.
Maybe Ripley—Stop it!Fen tried to turn off his brain. Guessing wasn’t helpful.
Could it be the muscular dystrophy that scared him? One person he’d been involved with had died. Then… Fen got that. He—Fuck it! Stop guessing!This was just six months with him that shouldn’t be a hardship and at the end was a different life.
Yet, Fen already knew he wouldn’t be taking the money so there wouldn’t be much of a different life. Well, not for him, though perhaps he could help Ripley start to live again. He might have told himself not to think he could change Ripley’s mind before the six months were up, yet he couldn’t help continuing to wonder if he could. The money was going to accumulate and Fen would give it all back. It would make him feel better about everything, even though he’d be even poorer.
If it was going to end, Fen would rather that happen organically than because of the ticking down of the clock. He liked Ripley. He was kind and thoughtful, though there were shadows in his eyes that told Fen he’d never really be his. Maybe because of Alejandro, or maybe it was something else. All Fen knew was that he felt more…more everything when he was with Ripley.
Now he wanted to kick himself.
Fen hadn’t intended to buy anything, but he ended up with a set of angel-shaped eggnog glasses for his mum and Alistair, where the wings were handles. Fen loathed the stuff, even when it was made by his mum.
He saw nothing Ripley might like. Clearly, anything vaguely hinting about Christmas was a bad idea. There was a bric-a-brac table at the end of the room and Fen ran his eyes over the items for sale. This was probably the sort of thing he ought to do if he was going to set up as a self-employed restorer/reseller. He’d been to a few car boot sales with Alistair, when they’d had to get up early in the morning to be first on the scene, but it was the wrong time of year for those now. Nothing would start up again until the late spring. Charity shops were another option. He could go to those all over London.
A box at the front of the stall had a sign sayingEverything £1and Fen rifled through it. When his hand settled on a little wooden hare, he gulped. Was that what he thought it was? He didn’t even want to look at it too closely. He wrapped his fingers around it and checked the rest of the container. There was nothing else of interest. Fen paid his pound and put the hare in his pocket. He might have a real treasure.
He hung around inside but didn’t wait the entire fifteen minutes. When he went outside, he saw Ripley emerging from the church. When Ripley realised Fen had seen him, he walked over.
“Are you all right?” Fen asked.
Ripley nodded.
“You’re religious?” Fen looked up at him.
“No. But… I needed to be somewhere quiet.”
They walked back to the car, but once they were inside, with seatbelts on, Ripley didn’t start the engine.
“Alejandro killed himself,” Ripley said.
Oh shit.Fen didn’t move, didn’t blink.
“He owned a restaurant. His business was in trouble. I didn’t know how bad things were and I should have, but he didn’t talk to me about it. He’d maxed out two credit cards, taken out a bank loan and he was still haemorrhaging money. I was tied up in a complicated court case and didn’t see what I should have done.”
Ripley stared straight ahead and Fen wanted to take his hand but he was afraid he’d be shrugged off.
“His staff began to quit, then his head chef resigned and Alejandro couldn’t afford to replace him, so he did his job too, as well as run the place. He came home exhausted. He didn’t sleep well and… It all came out in the inquest and people were pissed off with me for not knowing, not doing something to help him.”
“That’s not fair.” Fen risked a look but Ripley was still staring straight ahead.
“His family were angry with me. They needed someone to blame. I wasn’t responsible for any of his debts. He’d been careful to keep me out of it, though I paid off his employees after he died. They were his friends. They didn’t deserve to lose out.”
Fen let his fingers creep across to Ripley’s and Ripley grasped his hand.
“How did he…?” Fen whispered.Oh shit, should I have asked?
“I was expecting him back at around seven on Christmas Eve. The restaurant closed early except he didn’t come home, nor did he answer his phone and no one I called had seen him. I thought…he was pissed off with me. He’d been pissed off with me a lot. Moody, silent, not wanting me to be around. I went to the restaurant. It was all closed up, the alarm on. There was no sign of him. I put the alarm back on, went home and fell asleep on the couch. When the doorbell rang at one thirty in the morning, I knew before I’d even seen the two policemen.”
“Oh no,” Fen whispered.
“I remember thinking what a horrible thing for them to have to do, to come to someone’s house on Christmas Day and tell them a few hours ago, their partner had thrown himself in front of a train. Poor train driver. I bet he had a shitty Christmas too.”
Ripley was clutching Fen’s fingers very tightly.
“Shock shifted very swiftly to anger. What a selfish fucking arsehole! What the fuck had he been thinking? How could he do that to me, to his family and friends? I was raging inside. Maybe the police thought I was in shock because I didn’t say a word. They wanted to call someone for me. Family.”
