Page 94 of Fe
Fen nodded. One tin could last him three meals.
They’d finished eating before Ripley asked the question. “Would you open the box for me?”
Fen nodded.
Ripley went up to get it. Fen really hoped the paper was nothing, but he somehow doubted it.
It took him a few moments to manage the fiddly mechanism but when the bottom slid open, he passed the box to Ripley.
“Do you want me to go out or upstairs or something?” Fen asked.
“No.” Ripley opened up the piece of paper and sat on the couch.
Fen watched as he read but Ripley showed no reaction. Maybe it wasn’t from Alejandro. Ripley held the paper out and Fen went to sit by his side.
His heart pounded when he saw it was handwritten.
Ripley, I’m sorry. I know that won’t be enough but it’s all I can offer. Please forgive me. I love you but I hate myself more. That’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. I couldn’t tell you how bad things were. I’d let everyone down. Especially you. And the weight of it kept getting heavier and heavier.
I’m sorry I have to leave you to handle everything but I can’t do this anymore. Getting up every day, going to work, then coming home is killing me slowly. I’ve had enough. I know it’s selfish but I’m doing this for me. This is what I want. Not to be here anymore. But that’s not what I want for you. It might take you a while to find this. But I figure youwillfind it. Now you need to move on, Ripley. Find someone better than me. Someone who won’t let you down. It’s what you deserve.
Just know that I loved you from the moment we met until the moment I died. And I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Alejandro x
Fen couldn’t swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. He bit into his cheeks to try and hold back his tears. Ripley showed nothing on his face but his fingers were shaking.
“Has reading this made any difference to the way you feel?” Fen whispered.
“I let him down. He let me down.”
“He couldn’t help it. When people get so desperate, all they can think about is how to make everything go away. It consumes them. They don’t consider anyone else and that’s not through selfishness, just the way their brain is working. He’s written this for you.”
“Are you going to tell me to forgive him and forgive myself?”
No, not now you’ve said that!
“Would you ever kill yourself?” Ripley asked.
“That’s not a healthy topic of conversation.” Especially because if Fen got desperate, he didn’t know what he’d do.
“No, you’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you that. I’m going to bed to do some reading. Sleep in the other room tonight, please. I don’t want to disturb you.”
Fen nodded. He doubted it was a matter of Ripley disturbing him, more that Ripley needed to be on his own andnotbe disturbed by Fen.
An upsetting end to what had been a lovely weekend.
Fen heard no sound from Ripley’s room when he went upstairs. The door was closed. When he pushed open his own door, his toothbrush and paste were on the bed.Right, well, I didn’t plan to bother him to get them.
He did his exercises, albeit a little half-heartedly. He wasn’t sure Ripley still wanted him around, not just tonight. But today, he’d relived a traumatic event in his life and he needed space. Fen understood.
Christmas would always be a difficult time of year. Ripley might have thrown in that comment about forgiving Alejandro and forgiving himself, but it was exactly what he needed to do, not deny himself happiness over something he couldn’t put right. Alejandro’s death would always be part of his life, as BMD was part of Fen’s but shouldn’t that make them both more determined to be as happy as they could manage to be?
Memories of ballet still pushed their way into Fen’s head. Jumps where he’d thought he was flying, applause that rang in his ears, those times he’d lost himself in another world and becomeCreatureorDes GrieuxorJeune Homme… He wanted those memories even though they hurt. The pain and disappointment had faded. There was no more wailingwhy me?becausewhy not me?
Fen woke with a start in the early hours and as he lay with his heart pounding, wondering why he’d woken, he heard something. The sounds were muffled but… Fen climbed out of bed, padded awkwardly over to the door and cracked it open.Fuck.He almost wished he hadn’t because Ripley was sobbing; angry, painful, muted sounds that tore at Fen’s heart.
He was so tempted to go to him, to hold him, comfort him, but he decided it was best not to. Fen crawled back into bed and lay staring at the door.Did I do the right thing?When the noise stopped, Fen rolled over to face the window. He tried not to cry about anything, but bed was the place where his emotions sometimes overwhelmed him, the place where he was prepared to allow himself a few moments of self-pity because only he would know. Ripley was having a moment like that.
