Page 164 of Fe
“You sound as if you’re saying goodbye.”
Fen met his gaze and Ripley knew that was exactly what Fen was doing because all that should be said, needed to be said in case thiswasgoodbye.
“I did another photobook,” Fen said.
“Did you? What is it this time? Me frowning again?”
“No. You smiling.”
Every so often over the last twenty years, a photobook had arrived with pictures Fen had taken of the two of them or just Ripley—many themed in some way. Ripley looking surprised, Ripley half-naked, Ripley eating… He’d got his own back and produced books about Fen. Fen sleeping, Fen laughing, Fen’s arse…
“I love you,” Ripley whispered. “Thank you for all you’ve taught me about myself and about life. Thank you for taking care of me, for being my best friend. Thank you for being you. There’s one thing I need you to do for me because if you don’t, I will break and nothing in the world will mend me. You are not to die.” Ripley immediately regretted saying the worddie.For weeks, he’d been trying hard to avoid it.
“I’ll try not to.”
“It was an order. Trying is not part of it.”
“Yes, Master.”
“I can’t…” Words failed him.
“Yes, you can,” Fen said. “I know you’re anxious, but in a few hours, I’ll be back here and you’ll be next to me and the first thing I’ll see when I open my eyes will be you glaring at me because we both know how patient you are. Right now, the world might feel dark and scary, but love will shine through. I believe it and you need to as well.”
The door swung open. “Ready for you now, Fen,” said one of the nurses.
Ripley squeezed Fen’s hand one last time, then kissed him. “Je t’adore.”
“Bastard.” Fen mock-glared. “You’re not allowed to turn me on with sexy talk when I can’t do anything about it.Kimi ga itooshi.”
“Watashi wa anata o kurutta yo ni aishiteimasu, aisuruhito.”
Fen had told him he adored him and Ripley responded—I adore you madly, my love.
Fen’s Adam’s apple shifted in his throat as he stared at him, and Ripley’s heart clamped.
“I’m scared,” Fen whispered.
Fen! Fen! Don’t tell me that.Ripley could so easily shatter. “Look at your arm. Read the words. Strong. Brave. True. That’s you. This is not the end. It’s the start of the rest of our lives. There’s so much more we’re going to do together.”
“Knitting and Sudoku and watching awful afternoon shows on the TV cuddled up under a crocheted blanket?”
“Yes, all of that.” Ripley made himself smile.
“I love you,” Fen whispered.
“I love you too. Eien ni.Forever. I’ll be here waiting.” Ripley watched as Fen was wheeled away.Brave, strong and true.He kept watching until he couldn’t see him anymore.
Ripley didn’t leave the hospital. He stayed in the waiting area, and either sat and worried, or paced and worried. Daisy and Alistair arrived just before four, when Fen was due out of surgery. Judd turned up too, and Seth and Morgan. They greeted each other, but no-one talked, not even Seth who rarely let an opportunity to chatter go by unused. Heart replacement surgery was relatively commonplace, but it was still risky. They were all anxious.
Four thirty came and went and Ripley felt more on edge than he’d hoped. At five, he was officially concerned. No one had come to tell them what was happening. He glanced at Morgan and raised his eyebrows in a plea for help, enough to get Morgan to his feet. But before Morgan had taken a step, Fen’s doctor came in. Ripley knew something was wrong. Somehow, he managed to get up and walk across the room, though it felt as if lead weights were attached to his legs.
Don’t tell me he’s dead. Don’t say it. Don’t. Don’t…
“Fen came through the surgery well. He’s in cardiac ITU and on ventilation.”
There is abutcoming.Ripley could feel it growing in his chest, suffocating him.
“He’s a little slower to come round than we’d hoped but there’s no cause for alarm.”
