Page 103 of Everything That Kills Me
And keep every colour bright and fresh
You make me want to be myself
To myself
To everyone
But especially to you
I wish you felt the same
I dream that one day you will
Jack was kind and calm and funny. He was easy to be around. Zeph felt he could share his feelings and worries without Jack making him feel awkward. Zeph trusted him. Hehoped Jack felt the same. Jack was laughing more, talking more. He seemed happy. And yet…
There was something hidden about him, something Zeph couldn’t touch, shouldn’t want to touch. Witness protection was big.
Maybe given time…
Zeph could only hope.
Late one afternoon, after another blissful day, Jack’s phone rang for the first time. They were out by the pool and Jack’s face changed even before he’d seen who was calling. He looked more alert, more focused. Maybe resigned. Definitely different. He mouthedThomasand signalled he was going inside. Zeph nodded.
And waited.
Jack had a life that Zeph knew nothing about and one he wasn’t going to be allowed to know about. He had to accept that. Not taking close up photos of Jack had been hard. If they were only for Zeph, why was that a problem? Could he risk one? Actually, there were a couple on his phone of Jack at the ball. One was when Jack had been laughing at something they’d seen and Zeph hadn’t been able to help himself. Maybe that was all he’d have when Jack walked away again.
Zeph was pretty sure that was what was going to happen. He suspected that when Jack returned nothing would be the same. Maybe he was wrong, but he didn’t think so. He closed his eyes, felt the sun’s heat on his face, yet he was cold. Would they leave today? Head back to the UK? Would Jack want to see him again? In another three years? Questions hit like bullets from a machine gun, each of them blasting Zeph’s hope.
He opened his eyes when Jack dropped down on the sun lounger next to him.
“Thomas okay?” Zeph asked.
“Yes, but he’s stuck in Germany so I have to do a job for him. It shouldn’t take me more than a week. He’s sending details so I’ll shut myself in the study for a while, go through what needs to be done.”
“Okay.” What else could he say?Don’t go! Take me with you!“When do you have to leave?”
“Tomorrow. Early. I need to take the car but you can cycle to the shops now, right? Léon isn’t too far.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Don’t go in the sea unless you’re in an area where lifeguards are on duty. Don’t surf on your own. Wear your helmet when you cycle. Don’t stay out too long in the sun. You’re tanned but you can still burn.”
“Yes, Dad.”
Jack mock-glared.
He does care.But not enough to ask Zeph to go with him. Zeph opened his mouth to suggest it, then clamped it shut. He tried not to show his disappointment about what was happening, but the look Jack gave him told Zeph he knew.
When Jack went into the study, Zeph swam for a while, then went inside. He read, and when Jack didn’t reappear, went to see if he wanted anything to eat. When he tried the door and it was locked, his heart lurched.What the fuck?
“Are you hungry?” Zeph asked through the door.
There was no answer. For a moment, he panicked but what could he do? Kick the door in?Look through the window.Zeph crept outside and carefully worked his way to the study window. If Jack saw him looking, he’d feel such an idiot. But there was no one there. Where the hell was he? Zeph could see all of the room. There was nowhere Jack could be hiding. Had he gone somewhere and not told him? He must have. But the car was still there and the bikes.
So…even if he trusted Jack, the feeling wasn’t reciprocated. Zeph tried not to take it personally. Maybe the client was someone famous and Jack couldn’t risk Zeph overhearing. Or Thomas had told Jack not to tell him. Jack trusted him but Thomas didn’t. That was fair enough.
He was still awake when Jack came to bed at one in the morning, though he kept his eyes closed. Jack snuggled up behind him and pulled Zeph close.
