Page 141 of Everything That Kills Me
“Not every job was accepted. Thomas would never have killed one drug baron to benefit another. We both worked for governments but were never on official government business. I was trained to do what governments couldn’t legally do in places they were not supposed to be.”
“Which governments?”
“British, French, Spanish, Americans… The CIA isn’t allowed to operate on US soil.”
“How did he train you?”
“Thomas is very good at his job. He wouldn’t have stayed alive this long otherwise. What he couldn’t teach me, others did. Some lessons were more difficult than others but they were all useful. He said he was the only one I could trust. Only him. Then I met you and I realised Thomas was wrong. I could trust you. Iamtrusting you right now by telling you any of this.”
“You didn’t trust me enough to stay with me.”
“I was protecting you. I wanted you to be angry with me for leaving. To hate me. Maybe you did, though not for long. But you got hurt. I regret that.”
“I was angry, sad. Mostly, I was resigned. No point fretting over what you can’t change, no matter how much you might want to.”
“That’s the way I feel too. I wanted out but it isn’t that simple.”
When you fell in love me.But Zeph wouldn’t say that.
“Thomas was shocked when you found him.”
“If anyone discovers what I told him, I’ll lose my job. I could be sent to prison. Thomas could have killed me. He could have sent you to kill me.”
“Yet you still told him.”
“Because I wanted to see you.”
“And here I am. And he didn’t send me to kill you. He knows what my response would be to that.”
Zeph wanted to sit on Jack’s lap, hold him, kiss him. Not let him go. Ever. But maybe that chance had gone. Jack wasn’t who Zeph thought he was.
He wasn’t in danger. Hewasdanger.
“You want to ask me how many people I’ve killed?”
Zeph shook his head. “I’m guessing it doesn’t matter after the first one.”
Jack gave a tight smile. “You’re right.”
“Now I understand why you said that line from Counting Stars was your favourite.Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.It was mine because of the cancer, yours because your life is spent running towards and away from people who want to kill you. How does it feel when you kill?”
“I take no enjoyment in it, but when I’ve done what I set out to do and survived, there’s a sense of satisfaction. I feel more alive than at any other time.”
“That’s sad.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me. I am what I am.”
“You sound cold but you’re not.”
Jack shrugged. “I always try not to hurt anyone more than necessary. Sometimes it is necessary.”
“Where do you draw the line?”
“It’s a grey area.”
Zeph swallowed. “Was what we did all lies?”
“None of it. I remember every moment I spent with you. Those memories preyed on me, sank their claws into me, ravaged me, wouldn’t leave me alone. They also comforted me, made me want to be with you, made it harder not to be with you. Above all I needed to know you were safe.”
