Page 152 of Everything That Kills Me
“One of them.” Zeph stared at him. “You can have more than one dream. You said something to me a long while ago. A warning. I mean, I heard it. I heard what you said and I tried. I did try but I failed.”
“Not to walk under ladders?”
Zeph gave a sad nod. “I keep forgetting. I’m asking for trouble, I know.”
The food arrived. They both ignored it and kept staring at each other.
“I want you to give us a chance,” Zeph whispered. “I have money saved. We can go anywhere we like. We can keep moving if that’s what you want to do. I just want to be with you. I can’t bear it if you leave again. I just can’t.”
Jack reached for his hand and stroked his fingers. Even if he’d known what to say, he didn’t think he could have managed to speak. He was struggling with emotions he’d denied himself all his life.
“I know that each time you’ve left, it’s been because you were trying to protect me. I know when you told me not to love you that you were trying to stop me getting hurt. I get all that. But I love you. And I’m not sorry. I won’t be sorry for something that’s good and bright and shining. However long my life is, I’d rather spend it with you than without you.” Zeph shot him a nervous smile and pulled his hand away from Jack’s to pick up his burger. “Now eat. You don’t need to say anything. Just think about it.”
Jack ate.
They walked back to Zeph’s flat, hand in hand.
“Have you thought long enough?” Zeph asked. “I mean, I resigned today.”
Jack chuckled. “Yeah, I heard.”
“Should I add in other incentives?”
“Such as.” Jack was walking more and more quickly, tugging Zeph along with him.
“Sex!” Zeph whispered the word. “It’s good between us, right? I mean, I want to keep practising. Practice makes perfect. Possibly. Can it really get better and better? Because it has so far. I mean, that’s a bit worrying really. What if we mess up? How will we cope with the disappointment?”
“You’re not walking fast enough.”
A smile played across Zeph’s mouth.
Jack started to run, pulling Zeph along.
By the time they were in the flat, they were both laughing.
“I’m too exhausted to fuck you now,” Jack said.
“Then I’ll fuck you.”
Jack’s heart lurched.
“I mean, I’ve not done it before but I know what to do. How hard can it be? Harder the better, I guess. Though I do love it when you fuck me, especially when you have me face down and you’re holding me in place. I really like that and I don’t know why, because I also like it when I can look at you. I like to watch your face when you come undone. It’s the only time you’re completely relaxed. I want you to look like that more often. I need you to shut me up now. I’m only going on and on because I’m nervous. Did I tell you that I resigned today and I have no other job to go to? It’s the most reckless thing I’ve ever done apart from get involved with you.”
Jack kissed him, pulling him down onto the floor just inside the door. He pinned Zeph’s hands above his head and ground his hips against him, scraping his teeth over Zeph’s mouth, then his chin, his neck, while Zeph gasped and shuddered.
“Too many clothes,” Jack said.
He managed to peel off his T-shirt before Zeph pulled him back onto his mouth, his kisses increasingly desperate and greedy. Jack struggled with the buttons of Zeph’s shirt, thengave up and ripped it open, the buttons pinging on the wooden floor. He could feel how hard Zeph was as they rocked into each other. He thought for a moment about letting Zeph fuck him, how it would feel to have him inside his body, being part of him. He wanted that but not this time.
They writhed together as Jack manoeuvred them out of their shoes, then their trousers. Socks were pulled off, then all that was left between them was their underwear. Different shades of grey. Jack pushed himself up and hauled Zeph to his feet, still kissing him as he pulled Zeph’s boxers over his hips and down his legs.
“Can you… Can you… Can you…” Zeph gasped.
“What?” Jack panted into Zeph’s neck.
“Can you fuck me against the wall? I sort of wanted you to do it without me asking but I figure if I don’t ask, I won’t get. Can you?”
Jack laughed. “Oh, the wonderful things that Jack can do, he can go like a cow, he can go moo moo. He can—”
