Page 55 of Everything That Kills Me
That week, it became a thing they did. It was never private enough to kiss but sitting next to each other, legs touching, and chatting freely was something. As was doing their homework together after school. As was kissing in the bathroom, getting close to disaster. Cross-country gave them time to be together, though when the two of them arrived back after everyone else, Jack wasn’t sure Mr Burton believed Zeph when he’d said they got lost.
Alice didn’t. She was obsessed with him and neither he nor Zeph had any idea what to do about it. She followed Jack like a puppy desperate for attention, interrupted when he was talking to anyone, not just Zeph, and when he brushed her off, she huddled in a corner or walked around looking pathetic. Rufus was the only one who approached her when she was in one of those moods, and a couple of times, Jack had seen the pair of them together and hoped…only for her to return to staring at him.
Jack wanted to continue to sit next to Zeph in computer science but didn’t want Alice on his other side. He spoke to the teacher and asked to be moved. When he explained why, Mrs Hargreaves had instead moved Alice to the front where there was a spare desk. Alice was visibly upset.
The whole week passed with him and Zeph sneaking moments together and Alice sinking deeper into misery. Why wouldn’t she accept he wasn’t interested? He’d thought about telling her he was gay, though he wasn’t sure he was. The only thing he was absolutely certain about was his attraction to Zeph.And if Zeph wasn’t ready to be gay in this school, then Jack respected that.
The following weekend, Thomas gave way on Jack and Zeph running together and dropped him off on Sunday morning at the bandstand. Zeph was waiting when Jack arrived.
“You’re bouncing,” Jack said. “What are you up to?”
“I have a surprise planned.”
“A good surprise?”
“I think so. I hope you do too.”
They started to run. When Zeph stopped after half a mile, they were next to a yellow beach hut.
“This is the surprise?” Jack looked around.
“Yes.”
Zeph turned the dials on a padlock and Jack’s heart leapt. Zeph opened the door, stepped inside and beckoned. Once Jack was in, Zeph shut them inside, pulled the bolt across at the top, then took off his backpack. The only light came from a small window next to the door, the glass etched to cloudiness by the salt-laden air. Jack removed his backpack too.
“Footwear off, please. I met the lady who owns it when I was collecting litter on the beach.” Zeph stared at him for several long seconds, then took a deep breath before he removed his trainers. Jack copied him.
“I need to take my glasses off because they’re going to steam up.”
He set them on the little table. His eyes had darkened, the grey leaching into the black.
“I painted the hut for her…” Zeph kept babbling. “She gave me the code for the padlock. She doesn’t use the hut at weekends. Is it a good surprise? Am I pushing too hard? Tell me it’s a good surprise.”
Zeph’s chest was rising and falling as he breathed too fast.
Jack’s mouth was dry, his throat thick with lust. “Yes,” he managed to say. Zeph was chattering too much and Jack couldn’t get more than one word out at a time.
“I don’t suppose she had this in mind,” Zeph whispered.
“What?”
“Us debating the state of the world.”
“Oh.”
Zeph smiled. “What do you think I meant?”
“I…” Jack could barely breathe.
“I thought we could do a bit more than kiss,” Zeph said quietly. “Is that okay?”
“Maybe you better definea bit.”Oh, more words.
“Er… I’m not sure I can. I definitely can’t debate the state of the world. At this precise moment, I don’t care if it explodes around us.”
Jack took a step towards him and pulled him into his arms. Zeph melted against him with a tiny sigh. There was some sort of day bed behind them, and Jack propelled Zeph onto it, half-tumbling on top of him, their mouths slamming together, teeth clashing, their tongues surging. And instead of thinking he’d been too rough; all he could think wasmore!His heart hammered in his chest.
Zeph’s hands were at his waist, holding tight while Jack supported himself on his elbows, trying not to flatten him. The air was full of the sounds of their heavy breathing and the bed creaking. As Zeph began arching into him, Jack groaned into his mouth.Too much.He pulled back, then instantly moved forward again.Not enough.He ran his tongue over the crease of Zeph’s bottom lip, then sucked gently. There was a tiny voice in his head telling him to slow down, but it was drowned out by a chorus of voices urging him to take this just a little further. Just a bit. Even if neither of them could define it. Not all the way.They shouldn’t. They couldn’t. Not without running into the sea to hide what would happen in their clothes.
