Page 7 of Everything That Kills Me
Zeph mouthedsorryand tuned into the lesson. He had to forget gorgeous, untouchable boys, and think only about maths, and not sit anywhere near him again if he could help it.
When Mrs Samson asked the first question, Zeph slid up his hand.
The teacher sighed. “Anyone else apart from Zeph?”
Jack put up his hand and Zeph blinked. That was interesting.
“Answer?”
“7.5 centimetres.”
“Correct. Now, all of you work out the area of the shaded sector. Hands up when you’re done.”
A moment after Zeph put up his hand, Jack’s rose too. Zeph felt a ripple of pleasure. He didn’t want to be the only one who was really good at maths, though he half-wished it wasn’t Jack he’d be competing with.
Three other hands went up. None had the right answer.
“Yes, Jack?” the teacher asked.
“28.7 centimetres squared.”
“Zeph?” she asked.
“The same.”
“Correct. Come up here, Jack, and show us how you worked it out.”
Zeph caught Jack’s quietly exhaled sigh of displeasure. Zeph wasn’t fond of writing on the interactive whiteboard either. When Jack stood up and walked to the front of the room, Zeph forgot he didn’t want to like him. Forgot he was cold and uncaring. Forgot it was dangerous to stare. Forgot theconsequences of letting down his guard. Because Jack was long and lean with a narrow waist. His shirt was slightly untucked at the back and Zeph wanted to untuck it completely and…Oh God. Thinking is so dangerous!
Jack took the smart-board pen from Mrs Samson and wrote quickly. His writing was neater than Zeph’s. His smile for Mrs Samson was electrifying. How was he supposed to concentrate with Jack at the same school, let alone in the same classroom?
As it turned out, Jack was in every one of Zeph’s classes. Not only maths, but further maths, physics, computer science and PSHE, personal, social and health education. It was as if Zeph was being taught a lesson he didn’t understand at all. What had he done to deserve being punished like this? He had better things to do than lust after a straight boy. Why hadn’t Jack been at the induction day in the summer? At least Zeph would have had time to… What? Get over himself?
There was no escaping Jack even if he’d wanted to. Did he want to? Zeph already felt thrown out of kilter. It was unsettling having someone in school that made him feel what he was.He wanted to believe no one knew or had guessed he was gay. Scott and Rufus might call him ‘princess’ but that didn’t have to be significant. Lots of boys were called homophobic names—out of the hearing of the teachers. Zeph knew better than to react, let alone complain about it. But now he had to be even more careful.
How was that possible when he was already on a tightrope, constantly petrified of falling? It was difficult to be optimistic about reaching safety without slipping. He hoped he’d be happy once he had his first job, but outside of that, all he could see was the clawed fingers of misery and loneliness beckoning. Zeph gave himself a mental slap. Feeling sorry for himself was pointless and not him. His life would change when he went touniversity. He’d find others like him, shy gay boys, and make friends.
In the meantime, he’d try hard not to look at Jack because any glance caught by Rufus or Scott would out him.
Zeph failed within minutes, though fortunately Rufus and Scott weren’t nearby.
It was impossible not to look at Jack. When he had the chance to snatch glances unobserved, Zeph couldn’t take his eyes off him. Jack was polite but not friendly. There was something about the way he held himself that was different. Confident, mature, alert. He sat with the cool group at lunchtime, invited to their table by Portia. Something that had never happened to Zeph. He saw Jack laugh and smile, and something unpleasant took root inside him.
Jealousy.
Four
By the time Jack returned from school, he was no wiser about the reason for attending.
Thomas was waiting for him in the kitchen, a slight smile on his face. “Well?”
“They’re…” Jack almost saididiotsand changed his mind. That word would irritate Thomas, and they weren’t all idiots. Jack settled on, “Different.”
Thomas’s mouth twitched as if he could guess what Jack had been going to say. “This is the first time you’ve been with so many young men and women of your own age—and younger. There is no one there like you.”
Is that the lesson Thomas wanted him to learn? Thathewas the one who was different? Jack already knew that.
“Hungry?” Thomas asked.
