Page 74 of Everything That Kills Me
As he and Jack walked away, Zeph felt his eyes fill up.I am such a twat. Don’t fucking cry.
“I only counted thirty-seven ducks,” Jack said.
“I hope the missing six are okay.”
“There’ll be a happy fox somewhere.”
Zeph whined.
“Ready to eat?”
“I could cook us something,” Zeph offered.
“That sounds great. We need to find a supermarket?”
“Yes. Did the police call you?”
“They did.”
“Do they want to see you?”
“No, they were ticking boxes, doing their job. Wanted to know if I’d seen anything.”
“It’s weird knowing someone’s actually been shot not that far away. I wonder who the guy was.”
“The man who was killed or the one who did the killing?”
“I was thinking about the man who was killed but yes, I suppose the killer too. What made him do it? What had the victim done to him?”
“Could you kill someone?”
Zeph thought about it. “It depends on the circumstances. If I was fighting for my life or someone else’s life, then yes, probably. What I couldn’t do is just walk into a hotel room and shoot someone.”
“What if they’d killed someone you cared for?”
“And the law couldn’t get them?”
“No.”
“Mmm. I don’t think I’d be able to. I’d fuck it up. I’d get caught on CCTV or I’d leave a hair or a fingerprint. And it wouldn’t bring back whoever I’d lost, would it? I’d end up in prison for life. I don’t think the person I’d lost would want that. Nor do I think that sort of revenge would make me happy. It wouldn’t get rid of my hate.”
“Does anything get rid of that?”
“I don’t know. Once you let hate take hold, it consumes you. I mean, anger is one thing. That feeds your determination to get justice, but it’s hard to stop hatred. It’s always there, reminding you of what you lost. You have to put an end to it or it eats you alive.”
“You’re probably right.”
Zeph cooked a Thai green curry without any of his housemates coming into the kitchen, much to his disappointment. He’d wanted them to meet Jack, see how lovely he was. Zeph had never brought anyone back before.
As they ate, they chatted about where they’d like to go. Italy after France. Maybe Greece.
“I’ll buy a car,” Jack said.
“We could hire one and share the cost.”
“It’ll be cheaper to buy one when we’re going to be away for a couple of months. I’ll sort that out and the insurance.”
A couple of months!“Okay.”
