Page 23 of Light Up
No.
They’d spent the last few hours trying to stay alive. There’d been no flirting. Corey had stripped in front of him but that was just the confidence of youth.
Really? And if he is interested?
Why would he be?
You’re hot.
You’re only saying that because you’re a friend. And it was Tal saying it anyway.
You are! Take a few bricks out of your wall. Accept that not everyone is like Dorian. You can trust again.
Conversations with Louis, whether in his head or not, were challenging. To be fair, most of the personal ones took place in Tal’s head. He didn’t discuss his feelings with anyone. He had enough trouble understanding them himself. Much easier to make up a conversation in his head.
It wasn’t easy being him. He’d thought life wouldimprove as he grew up. In some ways it had, in other ways it hadn’t. Everything would be so much better if people were more accepting of differences. Skin colour, religion, sexual orientation, autism…
Tal was already different enough in ways that most didn’t understand. His parents hadn’t known how to help him or even recognise those times when he’d needed help. After being told Tal was autistic—in those days the term Asperger’s had been used—they’d asked if it could be cured and when told it couldn’t, they’d said, in his hearing, that they were disappointed because they wanted him to be normal. He was treated like a mistake that needed correcting.
He hadn’t had a happy childhood. In some ways, he’d felt as if he’d only started to breathe properly when he left home. Going back occasionally to visit his parents had always blocked his throat. After they’d moved abroad, he’d never seen them again. A Christmas card was the only contact. He always ripped it up and put it in the bin.
He might be a successful architect, but he wasn’t a successful human being. Having been told so many times that he didn’t fit in, that he’d end up alone, that he wasn’t normal and never would be normal… It had made him all the more determined to achieve something. Add in his own sexual preferences and he’d made life even more difficult for himself. And yes, he knew that was something he couldn’t help.
His heart started to race and he took some deep breaths. There was no need to go down that twisty rabbit hole. He’d just make himself miserable. No point in dwelling on how difficult his life was. When he’d gone to university to study architecture, he’d thought making a success of something despite all the challenges he faced would make him happy. And it had. Not all his colleagues were like those two jerks at his boss’s party. Maddox thought highly of him and that was all that mattered.
Last year, Tal had attended the party with Dorian. They’d been together for over a year at that point. Everyone liked Dorian. He could speak to anyone, make friends with anyone. He was sociable. He was fun.Hadbeen fun. Tal had thought he was so lucky that Dorian wanted him, even when things had taken a turn that Tal had hesitated to follow. But last Christmas Day, he’d allowed himself to be persuaded into something—not for the first time—when he shouldn’t have and now, he was on his own again.
Lonely.
Quite an irony for someone who didn’t like social interaction to end up craving it, well, not with a group of people,just one person, once he’d found them.Except you haven’t bloody looked,Louis said in his head. Tal’s confidence had taken a steep nosedive after he’d left Dorian. Tal hadn’t wanted people to know what had happened. Dorian had taken advantage of that, immediately become attached to a young guy, then made it clear he’d dumped Tal for a guywithout issues.It had hurt. It still hurt. Particularly because Dorian had issues of his own, including not hearing the wordnoand not paying attention to safe words.
Who have you been with since? Eh?Louis’ voice again.
No one.
Whose fault is that?
Tal didn’t need to answer that.
Corey took his clothes off in front of you. Why wouldn’t he be up for a quick shag?
Tal didn’t want a quick shag, despite what his dick was telling him.
What? You’re ill. Get yourself to A&E right now.
Very funny.
He dipped his head under the water again. He wasn’t sure he could cope with more disappointment. It was easier not to try, than try and fail.
You miserable sod. Tell him you’re gay.
How was he supposed to drop that into the conversation?
Louis didn’t answer this time.
He brought his head out of the water and took a deep breath. When Tal heard the shower turn off, he kept his eyes closed. Only after Corey had padded past did he risk opening them. Oh God. No towel. Smooth back, bony shoulder blades, narrow hips, slight indentations just above the cleft of his arse and a… perfectly trim backside. Tal raised his gaze, only to get stuck on Corey’s eyes as he’d turned round.Shit.Caught.They stared at each other for what seemed like minutes. Except Talknew it wasn’t. Then he closed his eyes again, confirming his status as a wimp, and heard Corey leave the room.
Why did he find this so difficult?
