Page 43 of Light Up
Corey took another gulp of the champagne. “None of those are my things. Nor am I into humiliation whether by words or actions. Not fisting, nor watersports… Well… Nor am I sure I’d want people to watch me and my sub, but I’d maybe consider that if the sub wanted it. Maybe.”Stop talking now.“Neither am I a sadist. I’d never hurt someone who doesn’t want to be hurt and maybe I wouldn’t like to be pushed down the road of inflicting pain anyway, even on a masochist, but I’ve read a lot.”Really, shut up before you say something stupid.
Hmm. More stupid.
“And…I’ve watched stuff. Online. Not so much in real life. I’ve been to clubs but it was a waste of time. Everyone thought I was a sub. I know I shouldn’t believe everything I see online. I’m not stupid. Except…”I am.
He pressed his hand to his mouth, because that was clearly the only way he was going to stop talking, then stared at Tal, whose expression was disconcertingly blank. Corey was breathing too fast, his chest rapidly rising and falling, his fingertips now in his mouth, pressing down on his lower teeth.Oh God. What have I done? Why did I say anything?
Not enough air was getting into his lungs.Fuck. I can’t breathe!
“Hand out of your mouth,” Tal said. “Take deep, slow breaths.”
Corey moved his fingers.
“Deep and slow. Yes, like that. Now another one. Concentrate on your breathing. You’re fine. Safe. Unless I decide to drown you.”
Oh fuck. Not another panic attack.Corey fought to control himself and fortunately, after a short period of shaky respiration, along with a slight irritation that Tal had teased him while Corey thought he was dying, his breathing settled. That had been close.I am so pathetic. How fucking dare I call myself a dom? A dom wouldn’t have a panic attack!
“Sorry,” Corey whispered. “Sorry for blurting all that out. I get that I’m not your type. And I’m only into some of it. Hardly any of it really. It’s probably not even BDSM, just an interest in a particular kink, but I wanted you to know. That’s all. There’s a world between us, right?”
“Probably.”
“I know what you’re thinking. How could someone like me be a dom? But there are lots of different sorts. Not all of them are big, strong, older men with steely shark eyes and hard mouths.” He glanced at Tal. “Or men with navy-blue eyes who wear three-piece suits and expensive woollen coats and slippery dress shoes.”
Tal’s lips quirked in a smile. “You’re right that there are many types. Not just doms but subs. Every couple in a BDSM relationship has their own dynamics they’ve worked out between them. How far they’ll go, what they each need, whether there’s to be sadistic play, or whether providing care is all that’s required, and then there are those who want to hunt the other down as prey. Plus a lot in between.”
“I know.” Corey’s shoulders slumped. “BDSM is complicated because there’s so much to it. So many levels, so many different types of situation. Most people, whether they’re gay or not, don’t really understand it.”
“And you do?”
“No, not all of it. How can I when no one takes me seriously? You didn’t. You don’t. You might not have laughed but I know what you’re thinking.”
Tal topped up Corey’s glass again. “Sure about that?”
Corey blinked. No, he wasn’t sure. Alcohol was surging around his bloodstream now and he was no longer sure about anything.
“Did you notice you didn’t say what you wanted, only what you didn’t want?”
“Yes.” Corey winced. “Saying what I don’t want is easier. Most of what happens in BDSM is of no interest to me. In fact, a lot repels me. There’s just a couple of aspects that I’m fascinated by. The sort of partner I’d like is critical. You must feel the same but with maybe with different requirements. I want someone physically strong and mentally powerful. He has to be confident and self-assured. A man who knows exactly what he is and what he wants and goes out to get it. He doesn’t have to be rich but it would be great if he was super-powerful in his business life. I want someone who doesn’t look as though he’d ever be prepared to do what a dom told him to. But he would for me. I’d like him on his knees in front of me doing whatIwant. He’d be determined to please me and my focus would be on pleasing him, providing what he needs, making him happy, being his world.”
Corey’s heart felt too big for his chest. “It feels good to be able to talk about it rather than just have it in my head.”
“If you’re at the edge of BDSM, what do you want?”
“I want to know what it feels like to be in control of another man’s pleasure. To withhold it, to eventually grant it. I mean, maybe it won’t be what I imagine. But I sort of believe it will, with the right guy anyway. I know I don’t look right. But looks shouldn’t matter. Except I’ve just contradicted myself, haven’t I, when I say what I’m looking for? I want someone who’s clever and smart and older than me.”
Like you, if you were a sub.
“I don’t want someone like me who’s a bit skinny and naïve, or someone’s who’s too desperate, too biddable. Sometimes, I want to tie my sub up. But using Shibari, Japanese rope work, not just restraint for the sake of it. I want it to be something beautiful. To makehimlook beautiful. I can do it. I’ve practised tying a cushion on a chair.” He winced.
“Not for real?”
Corey shook his head. “How? It’s not the sort of thing you can ask of someone who’s not into it. They’d worry I had another motive when all I’d want to do is create something amazing. I want to edge my partner. I want to bring him so much pleasure he can barely cope. I want to turn him into a mess. And when I’ve brought him to the brink, time after time, I’ll give him toe-curling, back-arching, heart-stopping, breath-stealing orgasms. I’ll make him come apart because of what I do to him. I can be a brilliant dom for the right sub. I know I can.” He took a deep breath. “Or maybe just be the right person for someone who has the same kink.”
Tal stared at him without blinking.
“It’s never going to happen though, is it? I keep fucking up. For that read—walking out of a club on my own feeling horny, frustrated and pissed off because I got laughed at or because I chickened out of approaching anyone. On one occasion…I was attacked. I’ve lost my confidence. No one takes me seriously. It’s hurtful to laugh at me and thank you for not doing that.”
Tal gave a slight nod.
