Page 39 of Dirty
Not anymore.
I pulled on my own ripped jeans, shoved my feet inside my tan ankle boots, slid the black, silk cami over my head, and ruffled my hair out, ridding myself of all the pins and clips that the stylist had shoved in there. Looking in the mirror, I felt much better. I was me again. Weirdly, I realized I’d actually learned something from Fix. He was far from perfect—like a galaxy away from perfect—but he owned himself. He owned his actions. He didn’t hide himself away. I’d been hiding myself away for so long now, trying to be something I wasn’t, that I barely even recognized myself anymore.
How long had it been since I was happy? How long had it been since I’d felt comfortable in my own skin?
I blinked at the woman staring back at me in the bathroom mirror, and felt kind of sorry for her. She’d been lied to. She’d been promised that making a lot of money, and winning high profile clients would enrich her life. She’d been sold an idea—the idea of happiness—and that idea wasn’t something that could be bought, or faked until it came to pass.
Happiness was a byproduct of embracing your own flaws, your insecurities, and your desires. I wasn’t sure how to accomplish that, but it seemed, against all the odds, that Fix had.
******
Amy didn’t say a word about my change of clothes. She was probably so relieved that I’d taken care of the Sixsmith business that I could have come to the wedding reception wearing a hessian sack and she wouldn’t have given a shit. The other members of the wedding party traded some pointed looks and raised eyebrows, though. I was uncomfortable for all of three seconds, thinking about rushing upstairs and getting changed back into the dress, but then I watched Fix grab a glass of champagne from a passing waitress and down the bubbling golden liquid, and I shed my nerves. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me. It sure as fuck didn’t matter what anyone else thought of Fix. I snagged my own glass of champagne, downed it, and shot Fix a grin.
“If we have to do this, we might as well get fucked up, right?”
He didn’t give me his usual, wolfish smile, but I could see the wicked delight lurking behinds those silvery blue eyes of his. “I knew you were hot as fuck. I didn’t know you werefun, Sera.”
“Don’t get carried away.” I took another glass from a short, balding waiter, who grunted at me disapprovingly when I thanked him. “I just use alcohol as a crutch when I’m stressed or nervous.”
“Can I get a Jack on the rocks please? A double?” Fix didn’t even look at the waiter. He remained focused on me, the tip of his tongue running along his top row of teeth—the actions of a hungry man. Fuck, he looked like he was starving, and I knew he wasn’t interested in the hors d’oeuvres that were floating around on trays. He was hungry forme.
“Why are you bothering with this?” I murmured.
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you bothering with any of this. You believed me when I said I’d keep my mouth shut about Franz. Youdid. So why bother driving me all the way out here? And why…why bother with the constant flirting? You’re attractive, and you know it. You could have any woman who catches your eye. So why keep trying to wearmedown?”
“You don’t think you’re worth my attention?” A muscle jumped in his jaw, and I couldn’t stop staring at it. I’d tried to avoid looking at him for too long up until recently. If I did, I found myself transfixed on some small detail of him—the three, faint freckles under his jaw; the large, worn-smooth callouses on his palms, at the base of each of his fingers; the dark, short hair that twisted into a tiny whorl at the base of his neck—and I couldn’t look away.
“This isn’t about what I think. It’s about whatyou’rethinking, Fix. What’s motivating you at this point? Because I’ve tried, and I can’t figure you out. Not even a little.”
Fix accepted the glass that was proffered to him by the waiter, drank some of the burnt amber liquid in the bottom of the highball, took a step toward me and lowered his head. “You’re right. I know how I look. I’ve used my appearance to take whatever I’ve wanted, whenever I’ve wanted, for a long time now. But you’re selling yourself short, Angel. You’re fucking beautiful. Your body is so fucking distracting, I can’t look at you without forcing myself not to stare at your tits. They’re fucking perfection. Your nipples are…” His eyes rolled back into his head. “God, they’re fucking amazing. I can’t stop thinking about licking them. Teasing them between my teeth. Your ass is a goddamn gift from heaven. Doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. Jeans, a skirt, sweats…whatever. I’m constantly imagining that I’m behind you, in between your legs, holding you by the hips while I rail you from behind. Watching your ass bounce while I was fucking you like that was one of the most amazing, erotic, sexiest things I’ve ever fucking seen.
“Your eyes are full of fire,” he continued. “They’re clear and commanding. Every time you turn those things in my direction, it feels like I’m being speared to the floor. Normal people lookatme. They see the surface of me, the appealing outer shell. They never delve any deeper. But you…your eyes probe and they search. It feels fuckingrealwhen you look at me. After thirty seven years of being admired and coveted because of the way my genetics predetermined what my features would look like, it’s refreshing to be fuckingseen, Sera.
“I’m not stupid. I know you. You’re not shallow enough to be won over by a good-looking guy with freaky eyes. I’m drawn to you, because you’re brave. Your courage and spirit burn through you, even when you’re scared. You don’t back down. You were terrified of seeing your father today, but you didn’t respond by running and hiding. You asked me for a gun, so you could threaten that motherfucker. That’s not how normal people react. You want to know why I keep hitting on you, even though I know you’re too smart to fall for my shit? It’s because I think you’re courageous, and unique in all the world. That’s worth more than anything to me. I think you’re remarkable, Sera.”
My body had turned against me, and my palms had started to sweat. I’d expected him to…shit, I didn’t know what I’d expected him to say. Maybe spin me some self-deprecating line about how he wasn’t that good looking, or that he’d never do something so morally corrupt as use his looks to his own advantage. But he hadn’t done that. Not even close. He’d told the truth, and then he’d said a number of things about my anatomy that made my cheeks burn with embarrassment. Could he really be so enthralled by my sheer stubbornness, and my refusal to let my fears overtake me, though? Could I really wrap my head around that?
Fix took another step toward me, stooping low over me, bending so that he didn’t tower over me quite so badly. “There’s something else…” he whispered. “One more reason why I’m so addicted to you, Sera Lafferty.”
He could have used those eyes of his to hypnotize people. “What?” I said breathlessly.
“Your cunt, Sera. Your cunt is fucking magnificent.”
Three feet away, an old woman dropped the side plate she’d been holding to the floor, sending a helping of shrimp cocktail flying in all directions. She gasped, hand pressed to her chest in horror, her mouth hanging open so wide that her jaw was almost resting on her voluptuous chest. She’d heard what Fix had said. Of course she had, because he hadn’t lowered his voice in any way when he told me how great he thought my vagina was. He’d raised his voice, in fact, to the point where anyone within a ten feet radius of us heard his words with perfect clarity.
He was positively beaming with glee as he continued. “Your cunt is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. I love how you taste when you’re wet. I love burying my face in between your legs and fucking devouring you. I love how pink and fucking delicious you are. I can’t wait to slide my tongue inside you later. I’m going to fuck you with my tongue until I break you. You’re going to bebeggingfor my cock by the time I’m done with you.”
Everyone had stopped talking.Everyone. Silence reigned supreme as I stood stock still, stunned, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Was he…? Did he really just…?Oh…my…god.
“I have never heard anything so disgraceful in all my life,” the woman who’d dropped her plate muttered. She did exactly as Fix had, raising her voice, making sure she could be heard.
My immediate response was to bow my head and hide my shame. That’s what I would have done a month ago. Fuck, it was what I would have done a week ago. But when I saw the challenge in Fix’s eyes, I knew all too well that he was playing games with me. Issuing me with a challenge. Daring me to be as brave he believed I was.
No one had moved. Everyone was still staring. Still horrified. I’d hoped at least one person would have started laughing, brushing it off as a joke, but it appeared I was out of luck. The judgmental bastards were all sneering down their noses at us, disapproving and disgusted.
Fuck ‘em.
