Page 34 of Dirty
“And youknowhim?”
“Barely.” Fix shrugged, navigating his way out the front of the building, pushing me in front of him. As soon as we were outside, I dug my heels into the gravel, refusing to take another step.
“You went to seminary, Fix? What the fuck were you doing in seminary school?”
“Learning, mostly. Getting an education.”
“A Catholic education? In order to become apriest?”
“I thought you knew,” he said quietly. “You heard the conversation I had with Franz in the auto shop before…”
“Before you killed him? Yeah, I heard what you both said. I thought it was code or something. I didn’t think he meant…I didn’t think you meant…Oh, fuck. So…Great. You’re a kidnapper. You’re a murderer. And now you’re a fucking priest.”
“I’m not a priest anymore.” Usually pale as ice, his eyes had darkened and taken on a stormy, malevolent edge.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You didn’t ask.”
“Fix!”
“I’m sorry. It just didn’t seem like pertinent information.”
“I don’t—” I shook my head. “God, I just don’t understand you!”
“Are you supposed to? Is understanding me gonna make any of this easier?”
He was so fucking infuriating. He had a point, though. Knowing a detailed history of his life wasn’t going to change anything. It was just…really?He went to seminary school?“How long were you a priest? Did you have a parish? Were you always this…”
“Fucked up?” The sun lanced down through the trees, hitting him from behind, and there was a moment when his dark hair turned to burnished copper. His broad shoulders were tensed; his whole body seemed to be tensed, actually, though I couldn’t figure out why.
“Yeah,” I snapped. “Have you always been this fucked up? How did you end up transitioning from weekly bake offs and charity drives to killing people, for fuck’s sake? I mean, it doesn’t make any sense. You’re a walking dichotomy.”
“I was never a very good priest,” he said softly. “I wanted to be good at it for a while there. Helping people gave me a purpose and a direction I hadn’t experienced before. But in the end, that collar I wore around my neck every day ended up strangling the life out of me. Something happened, and I left. In the end, it wouldn’t have mattered, though. I would have gone eventually. It just wasn’t who I was.”
It was so strange to hear him speak this way. I’d gotten used to the idea that he was an evil, mindless psychopath, but the mental image of him that had just conjured itself inside my head conflicted with all of that.
“Don’t,” Fix growled under his breath. “Your thoughts are written all over your face. You’re wondering if this is all a phase. If I’m going to wake up one day and want to be holy, righteous, pious Father Marcosa again. Iknowyou’re wondering that. Don’t waste your time. I’m never going back, Sera. This is who I am now. Who I’m always going to be. I won’t change for you. I won’t be redeemed. Nothing on this earth would make me tuck my tail between my legs and run back to be forgiven. I don’t want it. And let’s face it. At the end of the day, I don’t deserve it.”
I stared at him, trying to read him. It was impossible. He was an expert at shielding his emotions, secreting them away, hiding them from the outside world. I knew so little about him, really, but I knew this for sure: it would take a crowbar and a lifetime of effort to get this man to open up. Things had gotten so confusing. I still didn’t know if I should have been afraid for my life or not, and there I was, trying to decide if I wanted to own up to the perplexing feelings I was rapidly developing for this man.
“I don’t care if you change your mind about your path or if you don’t, Fix. I just need to know one thing.” I held my breath, waiting for him to answer.
Fix took a step forward, bowing his head so that he didn’t tower over me quite so badly. “Like I said. Ask away.”
Here went nothing.
“Where do you keep your guns?”
SIXTEEN
CRACK PIPE
FIX
I hadn’t heard her right. I couldn’t have. She wasn’t asking to borrow a gun, because that would have been absolute insanity. Sera stood her ground, gaze steady, fixed on me, unwavering. For someone who was fucking around, she sure was starting to look pretty damn serious.
“It doesn’t have to be loaded,” she explained. “I just need it to scare someone.”
