Page 50 of The Rebel of Raleigh High
I’m burning up. My face must be bright red from my jawline to my hairline. I feel…I feel alive, in a dangerous, reckless, insane kind of way, and for the first time since Leon Wickman’s Spring Fling party, I also feel a little powerful. Like in that slight, barely-there movement just now, I regained a scrap of the power that was stolen from me. The first time I rocked myself against him might have been an accident, but the second time I do it…shit, I don’t know what possesses me, but thesecondtime I do it, I do it on purpose.
A flare of pleasure, intense and a little bewildering, sparks between my legs as I roll my hips again, and Alex’s fingers dig into my sides, gouging into my hips, through my jeans.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Silver,” he pants. In two seconds flat, I’m off his lap, on my back, the sofa underneath me, and Alex is hovering over me, holding his weight off me, his mouth less than an inch from mine. “If I kiss you now, I’m going to try and fucking consume you,” he rasps. “It won’t be a little sip. It won’t be fucking controlled.”
I take hold of the bottom of his t-shirt, not knowing what the fuck to do—if I want to tear through the thin material or just have done with it and rip the damn thing over his head. “Do it,” I pant. “It’ll be okay. I think…I think I’ll be okay.”
A brief, flicker of hesitation flashes in his eyes, but it's gone before it even really forms. Gritting his teeth, a guttural, pained sound works free from the back of his throat. “No.” He shoves away from me, throwing himself back toward the other end of the couch, then he groans again, running his hands through his hair, tugging on it hard. “We should be smart. We should wait,” he says breathlessly.
Oh, my fucking god. Silver Parisi, what thefuckis wrong with you?I am the one who was assaulted, beaten and humiliated, and yet it’smetrying to rush into things now?“Shit. I’m sorry. I’m…fuck. I’m really sorry, Alex.”
He sits there with his hands still buried in his hair. Then he falls slack, sinking back against the couch. His hands drop to his sides, then he glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”
“But you’re aguy,” I say, wincing. “That kind of shit reallyistorture for you. Doesn’t it cause serious internal damage or something? If you get turned on and then you can’t do anything about it?”
Alex doesn’t react to this statement the way I expect him to. He twists around quickly, facing me, grabbing hold of my hand. “You know what that is, Silver?” he growls. “That is a lie told by pieces of shit who’ll say anything to get what they want. A fuckinglie. There wouldn’t be a man left alive if that were true. I’m pretty sure every single adolescent guy in the world gets a boner on the bus on the way to fucking school each morning. We’re not out there, yelling at the driver, calling them a prick tease ’cause the vibrations from their fucking bus made our dicks hard. We’re not being carted off to hospital because we couldn’t have a moment to stroke our dicks and our balls fucking exploded. It’s part of being a fucking guy. We get turned on. Nothing comes of it. We all move on. End of story. Any guy who tells you otherwise is probably gonna end up using that bullshit as an excuse for raping someone down the line.”
“Oh.”
“Did he say that to you?” Alex snarls. “Is that the fucking line he pulled?”
“No.” My chest is so tight, it hurts. That night in Leon’s bathroom tries to rear its ugly head. The ugly memories try to surface, to command my attention, to take control and hurt me. I don’t want to remember, though. I am so sick of fucking remembering. I’m done with being held prisoner by that night. All I want to do is be here with Alex. To feel like I felt a moment ago, when I had my legs wrapped around him, and I felt like I was in charge of my own actions. I cover my eyes, forcing the images and that all-too-familiar fear back down into the basement of my soul.
“Sorry,” Alex says softly. “I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“It’s okay. I just…I…” I can’t find a way to tell him how I’m feeling right now. Or what I want. Frustration wells up inside me, tightening like a collar around my neck, suffocating me, and I know I’m on the verge of snapping. Normally, I’d retreat into myself at this point. Shut down and hide. I don’t want to be that version of myself anymore, though. If I ever want to overcome this instead of it overcoming me all the time, then I have to change the way I’ve been doing things, because obviously the old way hasn’t been working.
I’m shaking, nervous as hell as I get up off the couch. Alex frowns. He cracks his thumb knuckle, his jaw working, like he’s angry at himself. “You want me to leave?” he asks quietly.
“No. Just…stay right where you are.” I feel ridiculous and inexperienced as I take my shirt by the hem and slowly pull it over my head. I stand there for a second, stiff, the shirt dangling from my hand, watching Alex, trying to gauge his reaction. A fierce, tight look forms on his face. His posture’s rigid, awkward, his torso twisted a little from where he was turning to look at me a second ago, but he doesn’t move an inch. It’s as if he physicallycan’tmove.
Dropping my shirt, I move onto my jeans, unfastening them and slowly, carefully sliding them down my legs. God, I want to be better at this for him. Confident and sure of myself. Kacey used to put on a show in her bedroom all the time, demonstrating the provocative strip tease she’d performed for Leon the night before, and this, what I’m doing right now? This is nothing like that. This is a simple, careful, shy undressing, and I feel like a fucking fool…
“Silver.” Alex’s voice is a coarse, uneven whisper. “What are you doing?”
I step out of my jeans, rolling back my shoulders, convincing myself to stand tall, even though I’m wearing nothing but my underwear. If I were Kacey, I would have been sporting a skimpy matching lingerie set. I wasn’t exactly planning this, though. My bra is white and lacy, my panties a pale baby pink, plain and simple. The garments are pretty, and I feel good in them, but they’re definitely not doing anything to make me look less innocent. “I want this,” I say softly. “I want you to see me.”
“Silver, we have so much time. There’s no need—”
I reach around my back, unhooking the catch on my bra strap. I’m a ball of insecurity as I slowly slip the straps over my shoulders, letting them fall down my arms.Do it, Silver. Just fucking do it. I need a few deep breaths before I lower my arms, allowing the front of the bra to fall away to the floor. My chest bare, breasts exposed, I stand, letting myself get used to the idea that I’m nearly naked. Alex’s eyes don’t waver from my face. Not even for a split second. I wait for his gaze to dip, to look down, but they don’t.
“What happened to patience?” he rasps.
I take another deep breath and finish the job, hooking the material of my panties at my hips and sliding them down. I’ve laid myself bare, and now I’m bathed in heat, bashful and slightly embarrassed, but also thrilled by what I’ve just done.Itook control. I wasbrave. I realize I was unafraid, and that is a monumental step. “Fuck patience,” I say. “I don't want to wait. I want to be normal. I want to feel you insi—”
Far too quickly, Alex looks away, his head whipping around so that he’s looking out of the window. He’s frowning deeply, expression stormy, his dark eyes hard…and I’m struck with the awful realization thathemight not actually want this. Oh, fuck…have I just stripped out of my clothes like some stupid, naïve little girl, assuming he’ll want me, when he’s not actually attracted to me like that at all?
No. No that’s just my paranoia talking. I know he wants me. I’ve felt him hard against me more than once now. He nearly just lost his shit when I was straddling him. So what the hell is his problem? I have to know, even if I’m afraid of what his answer might be. “Alex? Why won’t you look at me?”
He swallows hard, his eyelids shuttering. “I can’t. You’re…”
“Hideous?” I laugh quietly. A little sadly.
“God, no. You’re so fucking beautiful. I don’t deserve to look at you.” He hesitates, and when he speaks again, his voice is thick with emotion. “I’m no good fucking trash, Silver. I’m nothing. I have no fucking business being here. I sure as hell have no right to look at you like that. I can’t do it. It feels like stealing something that doesn’t belong to me.”
I hear the truth ringing in each one of his words. Not my truth, but his. He really believes everything he's just said, and it absolutely destroys me. I step forward, taking him by the hand, and I cautiously climb back onto his lap. Every nerve ending in my body is ringing like a bell. It'd be better if I could find something to cover up with first, but I need to perform immediate surgery on this broken man's soul. He needs to know exactly how I feel about him.
“Look at me,” I demand. When he doesn’t, I place my hands on either side of his face, and I force him to. His eyes remain diligently locked on my face. “You arenottrash. You’re not worthless. You’re brilliant, and you’re clever, and I’m the one who’s lucky to have you in my life. We come from different places, Alex, but that doesn’t mean I’m better than you, or that you’relessthan me. I want you because of the way you challenge me. I want you because of the way you make me feel alive. I want you because you make me feel free. You’re better than any painkiller. You’re better than any drug. You’re strong, and you’re resilient, and you take what’s yours. So takeme, because everything that I am is yours, given freely, gladly and fucking proudly.”
