Page 100 of Riot House
June 5th.
Words can't describe this feeling. If someone held a gun to my head and forced me to explain what's going on inside me right now, I'd tell them that I'm happy. And scared. Really, really fucking scared. Mom called and told me I shouldn't be getting involved with boys right now. She wants me to focus on my work, keep my head down and concentrate on my grades. Hah! Yeah, right. What the fuck does she know about real life? She's so caught up in her own shit that she doesn't have a clue what it's like to be here, trapped in this place, with nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Poe understands. Poe knows exactly what I'm going through. He's been here far longer than I have. He's the only one who listens. If I didn't have him, I don't know what I'd do.
Carina thinks I'm crazy for getting involved with him. She thinks he's too broken to feel anything at all, but I've experienced things with him she can't even begin to imagine. The closeness. The way he makes me feel when he tells me that he loves me. He's not who people think he is.
There are times, though. Times when he looks at me like he wants to pull my soul right out of my body. Those are the times that make me panic. He'll be at the party, of course. We have to pretend like there's nothing between us. He'll drink and have fun with those stupid fucking Riot House boys, and I'll have to fake it. Make out like he didn’t meet me this morning in our secret place and fuck me senseless. I know he's troubled. I know he's not a safe bet and nothing good can come from this thing between us. But it's so hard to remember that when he's inside me, kissing my neck, whispering my name.
If Carina knew how sweet and gentle he was with me, she wouldn't say the stuff she does about him. She'd be on my side. She's my friend. She's supposed to be on my side. That's the most infuriating thing about this. You're supposed to be able to tell your friends anything.
I just hope he doesn't hurt me. Sometimes, when I'm lying in his arms, I feel like he might do something crazy. His mood swings can be frightening.
June 8th.
Bad day. I caught Poe looking at Damiana. He says he's not interested in her. That he'd never touch her, no matter what. But I know the look I saw in his eyes. He looks at me like that all the time. She was flirting with him after class. Such a fucking whore. She'd do anything to fuck him. To take something that belongs to me. If things were different, I wouldn't have to worry about this shit. One day, we'll be able to be open about how we feel and no one will stand in our way. I just have to be patient. If the guys at Riot House find out about us, there'll be hell to pay.
June 9th.
I can't do this anymore. I want to go home, but Mom's so fucking delusional. She thinks I'm overreacting, and I just need to distance myself from the situation. But how can I do that when he's always there? In the halls? In my fucking classes? Always looking at me, watching me like I'm something he wants to eat.
He hurt me today. I accused him of messing around with Damiana and he pinned me against the wall.He put his hand around my throat and for a second, I could see it in his eyes. He wanted to snap my neck. For a second, he dug his fingers into my skin, and I saw the violence inside of him. It was scary.
June 10th
I don't want to go to this stupid party. I know something horrible's going to happen. I can feel it in my bones. I wore the sweater to class today. The one Poe gave to me last night after I left him at the gazebo, and he flipped out when he saw me in it. He made me take it back to my room and hide it. I have no idea what's up with him, but this whole thing's starting to worry me. I'm going to go to the party, and then I'm going to leave. Otherwise...I know this is stupid, I'mstupid, but I'm worried that Poe might kill me.
38
ELODIE
I sitamongst the charred pages of Mara's journal with my soul bleeding out all over the floor. This can't be fucking happening. There are so many pieces of evidence in Mara's journal that have clean taken my breath away. I'm too scared to acknowledge most of them.
Poe?
A hidden relationship, kept secret from the members of Riot House?
Carina's abject hatred for Mara's lover?
The connection with Damiana?
All of it...
I swipe the hot, angry tears from my cheeks, trying to make sense of everything I've just read.
Edgar Allan Poe is Wren's favorite poet.
How many times has Wren told me we can't tell Dashiell and Pax that we're together?
Carina despises Wren.
And hedidscrew Damiana. Carina told me all about. He fucked her a month before I showed up at Wolf Hall. Does it make sense that he'd been interested in her for a long time, only to get bored of her once he'd had her?
Mercy already implied that Wren and Mara Bancroft were seeing each other. But they were fucking? And she was petrified of him? Scared that he was going to murder her. And then she just went missing out of the blue? What the hell am I supposed to make of all of this?
How could I have talked myself into forgetting about the girl who used to sleep in my bedroom? What the fuck was I thinking? Too desperate to keep the only real friend I’ve made here, not wanting to rock the boat, I let Carina take the journal. I believed her when she said she was going to turn it over to the cops, but she didn’t. She fucking kept it because she’s hiding something.
Many of the pages in Mara's diary are so burned they're impossible to read. The fire destroyed much of the first half of the book, so I'll never know what she wrote there. The flames left her final entries intact, though, and they paint a damning picture.
I haven't heard the door to the gazebo open. I haven't heard him come inside. I go very, very still at the sound of his voice. “Elodie.”
