Page 50 of Riot Rules
“I didn’t realize it was a secret.”Oooh, sothat’swhy you sneak around in the dark, spying on him, then.If I could punch my inner monologue, I’d go one step further; I’d beat its sarcastic ass. “AmInot supposed to know anything aboutyou, Dash? Are you supposed to remain this distant, unknowable enigma? A ghost, trapped behind a thousand locked doors?”
He smiles. “Poetic. But I’m no ghost. I just don’t play in front of anyone, that’s all.”
I think back to the very first morning I heard him play, outside the orchestra room, when all of Wolf Hall was silent and still and the soft strains of music flooded the hallways of the abandoned academy. It was a haunting piece. It stayed with me for weeks after I heard him play it; I woke with it ringing in my ears in the days that followed.
Not wanting to keep up the lie—this one at least—I say, “I’ve heard you. You play in the orchestra room. Early in the mornings, before the sun comes up. The first time...I could hear the melody all the way from the other end of the building. It was this sweet, climbing…dance…” I can’t think of any other way of describing it. “I can’t remember the tune specifically, but I remember the way it made me feel.”
His face is stony, but his eyes…I can’t decide if his eyes have come alive because we’re talking about something he cares deeply about, or if it’s because he’s angry that I invaded his privacy. “And how did it make you feel?” His voice is as smooth as silk, gentle as a caress, but he still looks like his mood might be tipping over into the realms of annoyance.
“Like I was lost inside a waking dream,” I tell him. “I felt drunk, and happy, and like I was four years old. It made me feel…” I grasp for a word that will do the music justice, but there simply isn’t one. I make do with, “Alive. It made me feel alive.”
Dashiell looks down at his hands. “It makes me feel that way, too.”
“When I look up at the stars, I feel inconsequential,” I tell him quietly. “When I look through the lens of that telescope, it’s impossible not to marvel at my own existence. Amongst all of that nothingness,Isomehow came into being. We’re all made of elements that were forged in the burning furnaces of the stars. Seven octillion atoms form the human body. Sevenoctillion.All of those atoms came from out there.” I jerk my head skyward, toward the sky. “Pretty impressive if you ask me.”
He glances up at the observatory’s vaulted ceiling. He can’t see the sky—the dome’s shutter is firmly closed against the rain—but the ceiling is still a thing of beauty. It was painted way before I enrolled at Wolf Hall. In the forties, Professor Leidecker says. The dome arches, the ribs and the panels are all a deep royal blue. Someone took the time to plot out a map of the stars across them. The metallic silver of the painted constellations shines brightly against the rich navy, and while it’s not quite as stunning as the true night sky, it sure comes in a close second. Dash wonders at it, a loose smile playing over his lips.
“Have you ever been inside Riot House?” he asks.
“No.” The opportunity has been there. I’ve been invited through other people. I’ve just never had the balls to go.
Dash turns his attention back to me, fixing me with those hazel eyes of his. “We’re having a party soon. You should come. I think you’d like the ceiling there, too.”
I’ve driven past Riot House a million times. Every trip I’ve ever made down the mountain, I’ve peered through the trees, trying to catch a clear glimpse of the place. The tall glass, steel and stone structure has inspired a burning curiosity in me since the moment I learned it was there. Being offered a chance to explore the place is much like winning a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. But…
I set my jaw, steeling myself; I need courage for this question. “Are you asking me to go as your date, Dash? Or are you just telling me I should show up? Because this…” I gesture between us. “This is getting confusing, and it doesn’t feel good.”
“Really?” He leans back against the telescope, hands still in his pockets, and a roguish smile twitches at the corner of his mouth. “Seems as though it felt good to you last night.”
Urgh. I swear to God. The guy can be so damn infuriating. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
He lets the smile fade. “Okay, fine. No, I’m sorry. I’m not asking you to go as my date, love. If I were to ask you to come as my date, life as you know it at Wolf Hall would turn to shit quicker than you can say‘get me the fuck out of here.’You’d never know another moment’s peace. Wren and Pax would make it their personal mission to raze your life to the ground, and I’d be expected to join in on the action, too. That what you want?”
I leave his question unanswered and ask one of my own. The only one that makes any sense. “Why would they bother?”
“Because. Riot House is more important than any one of us. The life we’ve built for ourselves is important to us. It’s a sanctuary. We defend against all outside threats, and girls are most definitely considered a threat.”
“That’s why the three of you treat us like shit?”
“Wolf Hall’s a private academy, but thisisstill high school. There’s a food chain here, just like everywhere else, and we’re at the top of it. We are a predatory species, Carrie, and you are our prey. We pursue you. We fuck you. We move on. Those are the terms in which we think of the female student body here. You’d do well to remember that.”
“So…we can never be anything to any of you. None of you are allowed girlfriends?”
He smirks at this. As if I’m asking him to go steady with him or something. “No. We’re not. It’s Riot House tenet dogma.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.”
“It’s a hard and fastrule, Carrie. No circumventing it. No workarounds.”
Bitter laughter bubbles up the back of my throat. “Believe me. You don’t need to explain how rules work. I’m bound by plenty of my own.”
Sure about that?Alderman grumbles into my ear.From where I’m sitting, it looks like you could use a reminder, dumbass.
“Then you’ll know that a rule like that can’t be tampered with. And believe me. You wouldn’t want me breaking it. Breaking this rule would hurt you. And despite how this whole thing might look and feel to you…I don’twantto hurt you, love.”
The arrogance that usually laces his words is missing. The mocking tone, too. He’s sincere in this. For the first time ever, I feel like he’s giving me the truth, and it really fucking sucks because I believe him. I’ve broken a rule for him. Rule number three, to be precise. But breaking it was never going to hurthim. It will only hurt me in the long run. I hope it won’t come to that, but let’s face it. It probably will. If he breaks one of Riot House’s rules, it won’t be him that suffers. It’ll be me, at Wren and Pax’s hands, and from the look on his face that would be very, very bad.
A horrible sinking feeling tugs at my insides. “Then…what? That’s it? We stay away from each other? We write last night off as a mistake and avoid each other until graduation?” That’s why he agreed to meet me here tonight—so he can tell me that what went down between us in the early hours of this morning can never,everhappen again.
