Page 98 of Riot Rules
“And what wouldyouknow about that?”
“Oh. Y’know. Not much. We did recently pay her father a visit, though. That wasn’t very pretty.”
“What are you talking about? Her father’s in the military. He’s posted out in Israel.” I don’t like the look on his face, now. He seems tired. Worried? Settled? Resigned? I can’t tell what the look is or what it represents, but it makes me uncomfortable.
Dash sighs, letting his head fall back against the sofa. His eyes roam up toward the ceiling, avoiding me at all costs. “I don’t know. Ignore me. I’m talking shit.”
Ican’tignore him. The last time we spoke this much, everything was perfect between us. He’d just beeninsideme. He’d just told me that he was in love with me. It’s been averylong time since I’ve been this close to him, and I’m caught off guard by the way his proximity is affecting me.
“She’s strong. That’s all I’m trying to say,” Dash concludes. “Like you.”
He shouldn’t have said that. I mentally rifle through the contents of my school bag, trying to remember if there’s anything inside of it that could be used as a weapon. “And what would you know about my strength, Dashiell? You fucked another girl right in front of me and then didn’t even bother to defend yourself afterwards. Didn’t try to explain, or apologize, or find out if I was even still breathing. You just fucking bailed and never even spoke to me again. You—you—” I shake myself, pulling myself out of the dark hole I was descending down. Fuck, I need to breathe. Why can’t I stop shaking so hard?
Dash kicks his long legs out in front of himself, crossing them at the ankle. He laces his fingers together, resting his hands on his stomach. He says nothing, and my temperature rises so fast that my anger feels like it’s cooking me from the inside out.
“And I hate your shirt. Your stupid pants, and your stupid shoes. Who the fuck are you kidding, anyway? How can you go back to dressing like that after you finally realized you weren’t a mannequin and hadsomepersonality?”
He baulks a little at that, jerking his head back, but still he doesn’t say anything.
“You started driving around in that car that you hate. You don’t play in the orchestra room anymore. You’re completely emotionless, aren’t you. You just—” I throw my hands up in the air—“float along like a fucking mindless amoeba, waiting for the world to tell you what to do and how to react.” I’d love to say that I stop here, but once I start, I can’t stop. All of the pent up, jagged-edged emotions that have been lacerating me on the inside push their way up. They want out, and it hurts too much to keep them in anymore.
I call him liar.
I call him cheat.
I give him the most blistering dressing down of the century, and I hardly pause for breath while I’m doing it.
Dash sits in silence, staring down at his hands. Just sits there and takes it. He denies nothing. Every once in a while, he looks up at me, eyes open and clear, his expression so confounding that I stumble in my assault,hatinghim for not fighting back.
Tears begin to spill down my cheeks, and he reacts at long last. His jaw clenches, a deep, unhappyvforming between his eyebrows. “Don’t. Don’t cry,Stella,” he whispers.
I swipe the errant tears away angrily, ducking my head. Hopefully no one has noticed. “And what would you prefer I do? Should I shut my mouth again and continue to suffer in silence? I thought this is what you liked. A girl, brought to her knees by you. Don’t youlikeit when girls cry over you?” The thing about such venom-tinged projectiles is that they hurt you on the way out just as much as they hurt the person you fire them at.
I catch the sob building in my throat, closing myself around it, embracing how well it burns. My next words come out softer.“Well? Answer the question.” I need to know. All this time, I’ve tried to comfort myself with the knowledge that what Dash did in that observatory spoke of his own brokenness and not mine. But I’ve never been sure. The strands of it all have never woven together correctly. Everything is so knotted and tangled, and for the first time I want to hear him speak the truth. He owes me that much.
He takes in a deep breath and lets his head roll across the back of the sofa so that he’s looking at me. “Power’s a heady, addictive thing,Stella. It corrupts even the best of people, andIwasn’t even close to good. I was the lowest of the low. Taking power and lording it over others used to make me feel like I was in control. With you, I learned that true power is trust. It’s partnership. Vulnerability. Kindness. Friendship. You showed me all of that. You saved me from a lifetime, trapped in an ugly, vicious cycle that never would have made me truly happy. And for that, I willalwaysbe grateful. I never wanted to make you cry. I wanted to love you, and I still do.”
The bell rings, splitting the air apart, and Dash gets to his feet.
“Pax is planning another party at the house soon. You should try and talk Elodie out of coming if you can. And as much as I’d like to see you there, Stella, it’d probably be for the best if you stayed away, too.” He heads for the exit, and there’s a resigned slope to his shoulders. He stands tall, though. Proud. For once, I don’t think it’s his arrogance that keeps his spine straight. I think it’s a kind of relief.
45
DASH
I thought…
Fuck, I don’t knowwhatI was thinking.
I figured if I let her tear me a new one that I’d feel better. If I witnessed her wrath, or her indifference, or her disgust, that I’d feel guilty, and then it would be easier to stop thinking about her. Clearly, that hasn’t been the case. I trip through the next week like a zombie, barely even aware of the world around me.
I think a lot about my mistakes, and I realize how stupid I’ve been. Wren is in love with Elodie Stillwater. For his birthday, we traveled across the world and beat her father half to death because of the horrible things he did to her. Wren showed his hand very plainly when he asked Pax and I to do this for him. He wasn’t afraid to ask, because the depths of his feelings for the girl demanded it. I should have done the same thing for Carina.
I should have prioritized her over all else. I ought to have cherished her more than anything in this world, including my friendship with Pax and Wren, because that is what she’s worth.
I told myself I was keeping her safe by hiding our relationship, but I’ve come to face facts now. I was scared.
Pathetic.
