Page 119 of Riot Rules
I stop.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, Carina is crying. She holds a hand to her side, mouth turned down, her shoulder shaking. At first, I think she’s in pain, but then she looks up at me and says, “Youcan’tgo.”
Oh.
So, she knows, then.
Of course she does. This is Wren’s big play. I told him I didn’t want Carrie to know until I was already on a flight back to London, but since when has that bastard ever listened to a word I’ve said? Sighing heavily, I grab the bench from by the piano and drag it so that I can sit down in front of her.
I look down at my hands. “There’s no point staying,Stella. I thought I could get through the next few months and then bail, but I…” I shake my head. “I’m a fuckingmess. Everywhere I look, there are reminders of you. Even here, in this room…”
A hot pink flush rises in Carrie’s cheeks. I think her high color has more to do with what happened here between us than it does her tears. She swipes her hands at her face, sniffing. “Imagine how I felt, sleeping in the room that you gave me, where we were together so many times.”
“I know. And I’m so sorry for that. If I could change it, I would. I’d give anything to go back and re-do it all. I’d tell Alderman to go fuck himself. But before that, I’d tell Pax and Wren that I was with you. I’d tell everyone. I’d show you off to the entire fucking world,Stella. I was never ashamed of being with you. You know that wasn’t it, right?”
She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, nodding slowly. “I know.”
“I just wanted everything to be easy.”
“Life’s never easy, Dash. No matter how you tackle it.” Carrie takes a second; I can tell that she’s trying to figure out what she wants to say next. “IfIcould go back and do everything differently, I’d tell you about what happened back in Grove Hill. I’d give you the whole truth. I wouldn’t hide anything from you. I’d push harder for us from the beginning. I wouldn’t have let anything come between us. Certainly notAlderman.” She looks rueful at this. “He shouldn’t have done what he did. I know he had my best interests at heart, but he actually wound up hurting me the most out of everyone.”
I laugh softly, holding up my hand. “I don’t know about that. He hurt me pretty bad, too.”
“Oh my god!” Carrie leans forward, squinting at the silvery scar that now graces my skin. “Hestabbedyou?”
“With a scalpel.”
“I’m going to kill him!”
“I wouldn’t worry about it.” I rub the notched knot of scar tissue in the back of my hand, rolling it beneath my thumb. “I’m used to it now. Feels like it’s always been there. And it helped…” I trail off, not wanting to admit this next part. Itiskind of weird.
“Helpedwhat?”
“Whenever I saw you at the academy, or I remembered the look on your face when you walked into the observatory—” God, why did I even bring that part up? I’m a fuckingfool“—it reminded me that all of it was for a reason. That you were better off nowhere near me for a while. I just wanted you to be okay. Even if that meant that I didn’t get to have you. When I’m back in England, I guess it’ll remind me of you there, too.”
“Dash—”
“Really. You don’t need to fight it. It’s for the best. I was always gonna have to go at some point. Life would have pulled me back there eventually. At least this way, I’m going under my own steam. Because I want to.”
Carrie tangles her fingers together in her lap, not meeting my eyes. “And do you? Want to go back to England? Is that really what you want?”
“In a way. I guess,” I say. “A fresh start sounds pretty good. I’ll get used to the cold and the rain again. And London isn’t all bad. I’m sure living in a big city will be a pleasant change from being stuck up a mountain in the middle of nowhere.”
Carrie frowns. “Wait. London? I thought…”
“Oh. Yeah. I decided not to go to Oxford. Oxford was my old man’s thing, not mine. No, I applied for the Royal College of Music before Christmas. I decided that if I was going to commit to another three years studying anything, it’d be for me. Something that I’m passionate about. Dream big, y’know?”
She laughs quietly. “I’m glad, Dash. I’m really glad. You deserve that. You’re too talented to sit behind a desk for the rest of your life.”
“Nope. I’ll sit behind a piano instead,” I say, smiling ruefully. “Either way. A lot of sitting.”
Her smile matches mine. “Something goodiscoming out of this, then. You realized what you wanted.”
“I always knew,Stella. Ialwayswantedyou.” Perhaps I shouldn’t say it. I’ve kept it in for so long now, though, that it’s impossible to hold back. What does it matter, anyway? I’ll be getting on a plane in twenty-four hours, and then it’ll be too late to say anything at all.
Carrie ducks her head, hiding behind her hair. “And I always wanted you, too.”
“Maybe you can get to work on some theoretical math. Solve this little time travel problem. If you do, make sure you come and find me, huh, Mendoza? I’ll drop everything to go back with you and fix us.”
