Page 80 of Riot Rules
“I never said I was successful,” Alderman interrupts. “She died, dumbass. And I’ll be damned if I ever let anything like that happen again.”
33
CARRIE
I wake up smiling.Despite everything that’s happened lately, I wake up with a grin plastered on my face, and I feelhappy. I’m sore from Dashiell’s attentions last night. My body aches pleasantly, reminding me of teeth, and hands, fierce kisses and breathless orgasms. For a while, the memories are too pleasant and comforting to cast off, so I curl over onto my side, throw the comforter over my head, and I allow myself the luxury of replaying the night, from the moment Dashiell silently snuck into my room to the moment he stealthily crept out.
It's better than chocolate. Better than music, or mathematics, or the stars. I’d never look through the lens of another telescope ever again if it meant I got to feel this delirious every morning when I woke up.
Soon, it can’t be avoided any further, though. I have to get up. Presley made a point of demanding that we actually eat breakfast this morning. I usually don’t bother, but Pres is ravenous in the mornings and has developed a tendency of wilting like a flower in need of water if she doesn’t at least have some oatmeal. I suppose grabbing some coffee does sound like a good idea, now that I think about it. I get up, shower, and get dressed, still on a high from how amazing last night was, and he’s all I can think about. The only thing that matters.
We’re going to college together. We’re going to have a life and a future together. One more year at Wolf Hall, and we’ll be free—eighteen, adults, capable of making decisions for ourselves. His father will cause holy hell once he realizes that his son is bringing an uncouth American back to England with him, but he’ll get over it in time. At least I hope he will.
Presley raps against the door, even though I’ve left it open for her. I think she learned her lesson the last time she barged into my room and saw more than she bargained for. She grins at me. “Put the blusher brush down. You’re perfect. Come on, let’s go.”
As we’re heading down to the dining hall, my phone dings in my pocket. I take it out, a little giddy when I see who the message is from.
DASH: Not coming today. Bad headache. Meet me at the observatory at 8?
Disappointment tugs at me. I was looking forward to seeing him this morning. I’ve grown accustomed to our silent communication across the hallways and classrooms of Wolf Hall. Still. A meet later at the observatory is plenty to look forward to.
“Are you gonna tell me what you’re blushing about, or am I gonna have to guess?” Presley groans.
“Probably better if you don’t do either,” I tell her. “You’ll wind up scarred for life.”
She pretends to shudder in disgust, but I know she’s only teasing. “Well. I’m just glad that everything’s working out for you, dude. I have to say, I was worried as hell when I found you two spilling out of that tiny single bed, but I’m impressed. It’s been two whole months and Dashiell Lovett’s proven that he’s capable of behaving himself. I doubt Wren or Pax could have done that.”
Pres grabs a blueberry muffin from the dining hall. I treat myself to a double shot espresso, even though we’re not supposed to help ourselves to the senior’s coffee supply. I’m buzzing, bouncing all over the place for the rest of the day. Four different teachers comment on my sunny disposition. Even the sight of Fitz flirting with Damiana Lozano outside his den isn’t enough to put a dampener on my mood. By the time last period is over and I’ve completed all of my assignments back in my room, I’m bursting at the seams. Only two hours to go. Two hours until I take the winding pathway up to the observatory and see the guy I’ve fallen so recklessly in love with.
Outside, it’s already dark and the wind is howling over the top of the mountain. It moans through the narrow gaps in the window frames next to my desk, but the eerie sound doesn’t bother me. I’m looking forward to wrapping up in a warm jacket and climbing up the hill. The chill and the exercise combined will be a great way to burn off the excess nervous energy that’s skipping through my veins.
I pick out what I’m going to wear for my date with Dash—tight black jeans, and a thin white sweater with blue stripes. I put on some adidas sneakers instead of the black Cuban heeled boots that called to me when I opened my walk-in closet; the sneakers are a smarter choice than anything with a heel, given the rocky dirt path I’m going to be hiking up in the dark shortly.
Once I’ve fixed my hair and applied the smallest amount of makeup, I lie down on my bed and watch TV for a bit, but nothing can hold my attention. I’m too excited to think straight. In the end, I perch myself on the edge of my bed, turning my phone over in my hands, thinking about doing something very rash. I shouldn’t. I one hundred percent definitely shouldnotdo what I’m considering doing…but there’s been a weight on my shoulders for weeks now. It’s guilt. I’ve been hiding this for way too long, and every day my remorse has grown more and more crippling. My mind’s made up. I unlock my phone and head to my contacts, and the number I’m looking for is right there at the very top of the list:A1.
Not his name, of course. He made damn sure I didn’t enter his number under Alderman. A1 seemed like the easiest option. Since he was the person I texted most when I first came here, having his number so easily available made sense. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve messaged him. Far, far, far too long. He’s going to have so many questions for me, and this time I’ve decided I’m going to tell him the truth. He's not going to approve of this. Likely, he’s going to spend the next ninety minutes extolling the virtues of celibacy until the age of twenty-five, which I always agreed with before. Boys were not something that concerned me. None of them. I didn’t need them complicating my life or fucking up my attention span at school. It’s easy to swear off something when you’ve never experienced how amazing it can be, though. And it’s not as if this is double choc-chip ice cream or a really good cup of coffee. This is Dashiell Lovett, the sexiest guy a-fucking-live. Now that he’s been in my life, there’s no way I’ll ever be able to put him aside and be happy again. I’ll always know what I’m missing. So, the time has come to be honest with Alderman.
Disappointment is to be expected. He’s going to try and talk me out of this stupid, dangerous decision, to let someone into my life, to fall in love with someone, to trust someone enough to want to tell them my deepest, darkest secret. Because, at the end of the day, that’s what needs to happen. Dash needs to know. How the hell am I supposed to trust in our relationship if the very foundations of it are built on sand? Many half-truths that don’t come close to forming a whole.
My heart climbs into my throat as I hold the phone to my ear. It rings, and fear nearly gets the better of me. I hold my ground, palms sweating, knowing that this is for the best. The line rings again, and then again. Every time the loud burring chime sounds in my ear, I have to stop myself from chickening out and hanging up. The line goes quiet momentarily, and then there’s an audible click.
“You’ve reached Ashley’s Emporium Bridal and Formal Wear Center, where your wedding dreams come true,”a bright, overly friendly female voice says. “We’re unable to get to the phone right now, but if you’d like to leave your name, number and a short message, we’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as we can. Have a wonderful day!”
Last time I called and Alderman didn’t pick up, the number connected me to a Chinese restaurant. The time before that, it was a travel agency. Ashley’s Emporium Bridal and Formal Wear Center is a brand-new front for my guardian. For the millionth time, I wonder who he gets to record such convincing voicemail messages.
“Hey.” I toy with the fringe on the blanket at the end of my bed. Parts of it are still plaited from where Presley braided it months ago, before the party when Dash kissed me for the first time. “Call me when you can. I’m interested in buying a dress.” I’m not supposed to leave detailed messages for him, just in case anyone’s listening. I’m not even supposed to leave my name. No personal details. Nothing that could somehow lead back to him or me. But this time I need to saysomething. I feel like this thing between Dash and I is suddenly too big to keep a secret.
“There’s a boy,” I say quietly. “I know there isn’t supposed to be a boy, but I couldn’t help it, okay. Try not to be too mad. He’s a good guy. Actually, I think you’re really going to like him.”
I end the call, filled with hope. Telling Alderman is the right thing to do. I mean, he’s not stupid. He can’t have thought that I was going to be single all my life. Someone was always going to come along and sweep me off my feet. Dash has done more than that, though. He’s healed the part of me that I assumed was going to be broken forever. He’s given me a shot at a real future—where I can do more than just survive. One where I can actuallylive.
* * *
I hardly notice the rain anymore. The years I spent in Seattle before coming to Wolf Hall conditioned me against wet, miserable weather. At least it’s still warm. That’s something. I tuck my hands inside the pockets of my rain jacket, hurrying up the cliff path to the observatory. How is it that I can still be full of butterflies whenever I think about his smile? God, I’m a fucking lost cause. It’s embarrassing, how much I love this boy.
As usual, Dash has gotten here before me and closed all of the blackout curtains at the windows. This time, he hasn’t locked the door from the inside, though. I hurry inside, wrestling to get the door closed, and—
What?
