Page 60 of Riot Act
Clever bitch.
She stares right at me, smiling, then releases the back of my neck, shrugging as she blows out. “Next time you wanna shotgun me, give me some warning. A girl needs to prepare herself mentally if she's gonna be in such close quarters with the infamous Pax Davis.”
“Fuck you,” I snap. She really is high as fuck. She's playing with me, and she should know fucking better. She’s on very thin ice. If she were smart, she’d be placing her feet a little more carefully. “This isn't a social visit, Chase.”
Her eyes grow round, emphasizing the fact that her pupils are larger than they should be thanks to the weed. She feigns intrigue when she says, “No? What is it then?”
“I came here to explain the rules to you.”
She snorts. Actuallysnorts. “Rules. Hah! I’m not playing any game that requiresruleswith you, Pax. I’m just not. I don’t have time for that shit.”
Beneath my skin, my blood sizzles. “Don’t be catty, Firebrand. It doesn’t suit you. Let’s not be coy, either. We both know you’ve had a crush on me since the dawn of time. You can’t deny that you’ve mooned after me and followed me around for years.” The venom in my voice makes my throat burn. Chase’s beautiful little smirk fades away until it’s gone.
“Y’know. You’re right,” she murmurs. “I have had a crush on you since our very first day here. I spent years fawning over you and nursing an aching heart because I wanted you so bad. But my perspective on life has shifted pretty dramatically of late. I’m seeing the world in focus for the very first time. You are spiteful and you’re cruel, and you didn’t deserve a single second of my attention. Yeah, you’re hot. There’s no denying that, but you’re like…” She thinks. “You’re like the world’s most beautiful apple. Bright, and shiny, and glossy. Everyone wants to take a bite out of you. But the moment you break the surface of that appealing exterior, there’s only rot and decay inside. You’re foul, Pax Davis. The pretty, appealing façade is nowhere near enough to temper the bad taste you leave in people’s mouths.”
Holy.
Mother.
Of.
God.
This girl really does want to die. I already knew this—didn't I find her with her life spilling out of her wrists? But this blatant provocation really draws a line under her perverse wish to check out of her own existence. Is she wrong? Were any of the things she just said untrue? They were not. I am rotten to my core, and I’ve always known it. It’s an irrefutable fact. But for her to just come out and say it like that, to have the nerve to call me on my shit so simply, without trembling in fear? I don’t care if she’s high out of her mind. I won’t have it. I won’t let it stand.
Gently, I stroke the back of my fingers over her cheekbone, searching her face. “You don’t think you’d sink to your knees for me if I didn’t demand it? You don’t think you’d give yourself to me the second I told you to?”
Her eyelids shutter. At the base of her throat, I catch the flutter of her pulse there, quickening, betraying her. Still, she swallows, regaining herself, as she says, “I know that I wouldn’t.”
Lies, lies, lies. I hear the falseness in her unsteady voice. I smile, flashing my teeth at her—half victory, half threat. “You don't think I'm capable of making your life miserable, Chase?” I whisper.
I wait for her to quail. Only…she places her hand over my own, capturing it, then turns it over, holding my palm to her cheek “I'm sure you could try.” She leans into the contact, closing her eyes.“But that's the thing, Pax. When all a person has ever known is misery...it's what they come to expect. Soon, they feed on it, because it's the only sustenance they know. Eventually, their misery becomes their strength. They can endure so much more than anyone else. You'll be surprised by whatIcan endure now. And once the surprise has worn off, you'll see that you're powerless to hurt me. I told you the truth in the dining hall. There really is nothing left of me to hurt.” She opens her eyes, and the clarity of her irises cuts me deep. They're beautiful—the color of strong black tea and dark sage honey. I can't fucking look away.
“I just want to finish up the year and graduate, okay? I don't think that's too much to ask. Why don’t we just try and navigate the next few months as friends? Y’know. Friends with benefits.”
“Friends with benefits?” The incredulity in my own tone rattles my bones. “You’re out of your goddamn mind.”
“The Mountain Lakes Hospital Psych department would agree with you.Theythink I’m bat shit.”
I almost laugh. I come so damn close.
In my palm, her skin feels like silk. She smells like jasmine and fresh, clean cotton. Her mouth...fuck. I rip both my hand and my eyes away from her face, growling angrily. “Why thefuckwould I want to be friends with you?”
If she’s surprised by my retreat or the disgust coloring my words, she hides it well. She shifts, hugging her knees to her chest. She then turns her face and rests her head on the top of her knees, facing me. “Because you’re lonely?” she says.
“I’mnotlonely.”
“You’re by yourself all of the time.”
“That’s because I hate everyone.”
She dismisses the comment with a tiny huff of breath. “Even when you’re with Wren and Dash, you’re alone. I can see it in your eyes. And you don’t hate them.”
“I do actually.”
“Bullshit.”
“I do. I just happen to also love them, so it all cancels out.” Why am I telling her this? Why am I justifying anything she’s saying with a response? She doesn’t deserve the truth, and I sure as fuck don’toweit to her.
