Page 98 of Riot Reunion
“I’m going to have to spend a couple of weeks here to heal, but as soon as I can, I’m headed back to Sarah Lawrence. I’m going to catch up on all of the work I’ve missed, and I’m going to come down to Virginia to see you every single weekend—”
“Presley,” Pax says, squeezing my hand. He looks so, so sad, “I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve put so much pressure on you to give me what I want. To have the baby and to get married. To rush head-long into something without thinking it through properly, because I was scared about being long-distance. It was stupid, okay. Your dad was right. You deserve time to heal andliveafter what happened with Jonah—”
“What? Pax, no. Jonah hasn’t got anything to do with this. This…all just got really messy, but it’s like you said. It’s all behind us now. We can move on together—”
The second Pax sets his jaw, his eyes hardening a little, I know it’s over. “I’m going to Japan for six months. With Callan. He’s been hassling me about going with him to document this volcano that’s about to blow. And the cherry blossoms. And some spring festival. He’s got this whole itinerary plotted out. I told him no originally, but I think…” He lets out a ragged sigh, letting his head hang. “I hate that I’m not gonna be here to help you recover from the surgery, Firebrand. But you’ve got your dad. And I ca—” His voice breaks, his words failing him. I’ve seen Pax’s eyes full of so many emotions, but I’veneverseen them shining with tears.
“I can’t be here, crowding you, loving you, being…somad at you—” His second attempt at talking ends in failure, too. A solitary tear streaks down his cheek. He dashes it away, frustration bubbling out of him as he stands up.
This isn’t happening.
It can’t be.
He’s not saying what I think he is.
I open my mouth, and a sob flies out before I can rein it in. I was going to tell him to sit back down again, to talk to me, to iron all of this out with me, but another sob comes, and then another. Harrowed, Pax looks away, the muscles in his throat working. He shifts from one foot to the other, the most uncomfortable I’ve ever seen him.
“Please…” he whispers.
“You’re not going to Japan! You’re staying here. With me. You’re going back to Virginia, and I’m going back to Yonkers, and we’re gonna see this through!”
He shakes his head slowly. “Ican’t.”
“So youaregonna bail then? After everything you said? After all the shit you gave me about not giving you a chance to prove yourself?” The heat of my temper sends the words firing out of me like bullets. They strike home, each and every one. Pax flinches, anger flickering over his features but failing to take root. He just looks hurt, and that…thatkillsme.
“I’m done trying to figure out how to do the right thing here, Chase. You need to figure out who you wanna be, and where you wanna be, and—”
“I know all of those things, Pax!”
“AndIhave my own shit to work on, too,” he stresses. “I’m still a fuck-up, Chase. I havemajoranger issues. I tried to start a fight witha copearlier, just so I didn’t have to feel fucking scared anymore. I don’t even wanna live inside my own head anymore. I’m jealous and volatile, and I don’t want to coerce you into marrying me just because I can’t regulate my own fucking emotions.”
“You’re not coercing me into anything! You can’tcoerceme into doing something that I want to do. That’s not how this works!”
It’s too late, though. I can see it in his eyes. He’s made his decision. The instant I see his resolve harden, my heart shatters in my chest. The pain is infinitely worse than anything else I’ve endured in the past twenty-four hours. That didn’t kill me, butthisjust might.
“I’m sorry, Chase. I’ll be back at the end of May. If you want to talk then—”
“Seriously? Just get out then! Just fuckinggoif you’re gonna go!” I can’t really see his face as I scream at him. My tears have turned the world to a smudge of color.
“Presley—”
“JUST FUCKINGGO!”
He doesn’t go, though. He comes to me, cradling the back of my head in his hand. Drawing me to him, he places a long kiss against my forehead, his body shaking. When he pulls away, he whispers, “I love you. I’m sorry.”
And then he walks away.
40
PAX
Elodie Stillwater’sarm is bound up in a sling. The smile on her face falls the second I storm out of the hospital room. Sheknowssomething is wrong. Her eyes flash with concern as she gets to her feet, Carrie joining her. Chase’s sobs can be heard through the open door. The two girls hurry into the room behind me as I charge away down the corridor.
“Dude!” Dash follows after me, right on my heels. “What the hell, man? Did something happen? What are you—where the hell are yougoing?”He tries to grab me, but I break into a run. Outside, the day is in full swing, another bleak and miserable November sky looming on the horizon. I mean to run to the car and get in it and peel away before Dash can catch up to me, but I pass by a low brick wall, the bricks in the middle a fresher, brighter, newer red, and something loose, already rattling inside my chest, comes undone. I stagger to a stop, bracing, my hands resting on my knees, trying to catch a breath that just won’t come.
“Pax! Jesus! What thefuckis going on?” Dash knows better than to try and touch me now. He stands in front of me, and all I can see of him are his feet.
Gasping, I point at the wall. “I was sitting there that night.”
